this post was submitted on 22 May 2024
922 points (98.6% liked)
The Onion
4576 readers
1548 users here now
The Onion
A place to share and discuss stories from The Onion, Clickhole, and other satire.
Great Satire Writing:
founded 3 years ago
MODERATORS
you are viewing a single comment's thread
view the rest of the comments
view the rest of the comments
Pickups for non construction purposes are the dumbest shit ever. You literarily have half the car that is useless for transporting people.
What if you have to help a friend move a couch once every 5 years? What then?
lol right? Surely you couldn't just rent one by the hour from Home Depot or some crazy shit like that... Oh wait, you can and it's like $20. There really is no justification for the vast majority of personal truck ownership. It's just a status symbol for trashy jerks. Although I suppose that technically counts as hauling a lot of trash.
If you actually need to haul stuff a van is vastly superior in most scenarios. The only use case that a pickup truck really makes sense for is for towing, but even then something like a range rover seems like a better option?
The biggest use case for a pickup over a van is loose materials like sand, dirt, etc. Ya know, stuff that suburban pickups usually aren't carrying because the owner doesn't want to get it dirty
Tilt trailers make transporting loose materials even better. Lower bed so loading is much, much easier, too. And these can easily be towed by sedans or vans.
Definitely, but we all know suburban pickup owners would be hiring someone to deliver the dirt anyway
I agree about trailers, but one full of sand will weigh too much for most American SUVs/CUVs let alone sedans.
I’m pretty sure cars and non trucks are vastly underrated for towing in the US though, since the same cars in Europe often have 50%+ towing capacities. The excuse is always that our highway speeds are higher, but I suspect maintaining high truck sales has more to do with it.
Hauling trash, debris, or brush works way better in a pickup. I want to be able to hose the shit off and not have it inside with me lol But i agree that a van is better than everything else
I have a 2015 Honda Pilot with a roof rack. Can seat 8 and tow 4400lbs (probably not both at the same time, lol). I can also throw full sheets of drywall or plywood on the top (within reason). I've hauled 1000lbs of stone in it. Has no problem with 10ft PVC pipe or lumber. Thing is a fucking swiss army knife of a vehicle.
Have you ever been in a high roof van in high wind? I like the idea of vans as I can load motorcycles and keep them hidden but almost coming off the road was terrifying.
Not really. You can haul things upright in a pickup, which you can't do in an SUV or van. If you're going to be hauling lots of sheet goods a van interior will get trashed immediately, and most will have to have the back doors open for full sized sheets. A truck bed will hold up quite well and you won't have to deal with tying back doors closed.
That's not my experience. I bought a rusty, old E350 cargo van for towing a boat, but it's useful for carrying materials. It'll fit 4'x8' sheets, and 10' boards diagonally. Most of the pickup trucks that I see around these days have 6.5' beds, and the suburban dad models have vestigial, 5.5' beds.
Ever heard of trailers? You can rent one of these for cheap and haul whatever crap without needing to worry about your car interior. And any old sedan can tow a trailer, not to mention vans.
Trailers work, but they're not easy to get in and out of wherever you're going. Most cars don't come with a hitch, so you'd have to add that as well. You don't just tow a trailer around for fun, so if you frequently find yourself needing to move something or buy something with little notice it's not a good solution. Then there's parking.
Listen, most people don't need a truck. Or an SUV. Or a trailer. And no one needs a truck with a hood that's 6 feet off the ground. Plenty of people use their pickup trucks a lot and the other options have massive tradeoffs.
I own a trailer because I didn't want to have to get a truck and I've found it inconvenient enough I'm looking at buying a truck in the next couple months.
Yeah that thing i need a license for and don't know how to back up because i was never taught. We should all do that.
I had an Isuzu pickup once. I bought it because it was the cheapest new car you could buy: $4995 MSRP if I recall. No power steering or power breaks. Manual transmission. I think it had AC and an FM radio. Its fine for transporting 2 people and I rarely ever had a need for more than that.
Rent a van
Well what if I need to prove my dick is tiny tho?
Dude real shit I work in construction and I can tell you that you don’t even really need a pickup for that either.
I mean it depends what you’re doing ofc but vans are what’s actually used as work vehicles for the most part. And those are generally company vehicles so for personal use you can drive whatever vehicle you want.
Yeah, trucks really were designed for hauling heavy trailers
Which even then a 350 transit can haul our tractor.
Really, the bed is only used for oddly shaped shit or stuff that is covered in mud. I was only in a work pickup truck as a new construction plumber, everything else has been a van.
I have a crew cab pickup (half ton), and yeah it has come in handy numerous times over the years. But I do agree those larger, “more rugged”, trucks are not for the people who own them.
"The only thing better than owning a truck is having no fucking reason to own a truck"
It's a statement. You don't need to work; but you still could if you wanted to.
What if I never transport people? WTF do I need all these extra seats for? A giant grocery cart in the back is much more useful.
Truck driver has no friends.
Forever alone.
The dream
And even for construction purposes, most trucks nowadays are kinda pointless. A 4ft bed is good for hauling like 1 bike placed diagonally, much less a typical sized piece of lumber or plywood.
Can't beg a place to sell you a 6ft bed unless you want to wait for it to come off the manufacturing line.
Don't forget you have to lift that bike like 4ft to get to the tailgate on newer trucks! Can't imagine trying to load a four wheeler on a newer truck without like folding ramps at least 2x the length of the bed so it's not a vertical fucking climb.
I believe it was in a not just bikes video, but he talked about how some large percentage of truck owners openly admitted they never use their beds for hauling.