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For me, it was “saying no doesn’t make me a bad person.” I was raised around extremely Christian people who emphasized that you should be there for everyone, even at the expense of self.
The problem is, people eventually take advantage of you. Also, when you finally say “no” to them, they act as though you’re a terrible person.
I had this recently. My parents wanted me to make a full hour round trip drive across town to pick them up in the middle of the night so they could save $50 on a taxi. I said, "No," as I have kids to look after now, and my mom launched into how I'm not family first anymore and after all the things she did for me as a kid, she can't depend on me to pick her up.
I stuck to my guns though. They conned my brother with the same story, but I set a boundary.
Wow, the “family first” remark, while you’re taking care of your kids, gets me. That’s so familiar.
It’s as if people hearing “no” from you, when you would normally just cave in and do whatever was requested, is an act of aggression from people. It’s strange… they become so hateful.
Good on you for sticking with your boundaries!
Agree with the other commenter. If she ever pulls that line with you again make sure you throw it right back at her. "You're right, family first. That's my kids and my spouse." Maybe she'll start to realize the family shifts as you age.
I've experience this first hand, and watched it from the other side. My mother is extremely "Christian", and that's one of her phrases there. To her, people helping her became an expectation, not an act of kindness. She was a single mom, and so people around town would help her out. Like our local appliance guy, he'd give her a deal on a new dishwasher - and then she would push her luck and ask him to install it. And then start calling him directly when the slightest thing might be wrong with it. And then for other appliances. And then for random handiman stuff. She of course never repaid him for everything he did.
Because he's a Christian, and so was she. So of course he was "happy" to do it for her. A few people eventually did tell her no, and she would immediately convince herself that they were bad people and that she "had to cut them out of her life" because of the negativity.
I once had an Excedrin get stuck in my throat sideways. That was a pretty uncomfortable several hours of my life.
It's easy to do when we're all surrounded constantly by the paradox of money meaning nothing at all, but also the only material thing that dictates the action and activity of everything past and future
Biggest Pill I've had to swallow is that no matter much I love programming and will continue my computer hobbies for life. I will never make a profession out of it. I'm slowly coping with the fact that all my work will ultimately influence very nearly nothing at all...
If it helps, you're not alone. I've spent decades of my life pursuing a career, and in the past five or so years I've come to realize I will never accomplish the things I used to dream about, like making an impact in my little field, etc. It's a really, really unpleasant realization. The only silver lining I can find for myself (and it is helpful) is that I can let go of the "must excel" and "must go above and beyond" mentalities. It frees up time and mental resources.
I'm not here to influence things. I was in the thick of it for a bit, but I'm here now.
I love coding. I get to do it for money. It allows me a nice little apartment in a nice environment and with my wife chipping in her half we're a little insulated from financial strife. A little.
That's it. I code, I eat food and live with a beautiful girl who seems to care for me, and we occasionally get to go see family or a strange new place. I'm flying as close to the sun as I dare.
Find peace in your existence and enjoy what you're doing, whether programming is the bread or it's the butter. It's all a means to an end of doing something you love for what little time we have here.
Since no one on here will ever know me…
It’s accepting that I have autism and that having autism is ok. My mom used “autistic” as an insult against me, the first time I remember was from age 5 as an attempt to control behavior she saw as undesirable. Running circles outside until I wore the grass out and flapping my hands about was something I needed to feel ashamed about according to her. And so I hid that and everything else she criticized so hard that I couldn’t accept that the reason I struggled so hard with a lot of things in my life wasn’t because I was just some innate failure but because I had an unaddressed condition that was she not only refused to help with but actively made worse.
To this day I still cannot do things like make eye contact, or tolerate being touched. But I’ve learned to not only accept myself for who I am, but accept that little boy who never understood why his own mother never seemed to be able to love him.
You can do everything right that people taught you. But you only start living when you make mistakes, fuck up, and find the places where you belong, and a picture perfect life doesn't bring you happiness; it's rather shallow and lonely.
That paired with the realization that my mental disabilities will make me lonely for the rest of my life and there's only so much I can do about it without having breakdowns.
"It is possible to commit no mistakes and still lose. That is not weakness, that is life."
That I didn't know who I was. My lack of self awareness hampered my growth trajectory, my maturity, and relationships. My first failed marriage was a pinnacle of this issue. Though, fast forward 5 years, I'm a vastly different person, know who I am and what I want and where I want to end up. I feel guilty for my ex wife and the impact I had on them. I hope they're happier where ever they may be.
That sounds super healthy actually. Good outlook to have. We all make mistakes, what matters is if we learned from them.
That no matter how often people said it as a kid, I'm not capable of anything I put my mind to. I'm not smart, I'm very very mediocre at best, and my interests don't align with my capabilities so my only options for work are things I don't generally want to do.
I only really had 2 goals in life, a third developed later, and I've failed at all if them. I wanted to be in a loving relationship (going on 40 and have been single for the last decade), to not be the person who hates going to their job every day, and eventually I started wanting to own a home because I found that I need space for the hobbies I enjoyed. It's a Sinatra song right, 0 out of 3 ain't bad? Something like that... Lol
When people told me I was smart as a child/young adult, what they really meant was I was showcasing a skill they lacked, which the overwhelming majority of people don't give a shit about an adult having.
That life is truly a neverending struggle. Sure, you get to enjoy some of that struggle, and you can take a break every now and then. Nevertheless, the only time you're truly free from it is when you're dead.
No, I don't plan to end it immaturely. Please don't put me on suicide watch. I still have my people to take care of. 😅
That I actually do have a bad temper and do get angry very easily, that my anger does not justify my verbal/physical reactions (nor was I 'right' just because I was angry) and that these reactions will hurt those I care about/those I don't care about but still didn't deserve my violence, which is a surefire way to end up in jail (perhaps) and in Hell (more likely).
For everyone who has similar issues, try to remember two things:
For me it was the discovery that my parents were shitty people on the narcissism spectrum. I had no clue, because when you grow up in a toxic environment, it's your "normal" and all you know.
That trauma is not an identity and if I want to grow as a person I have to resolve that trauma and let go of the past.
I dissociate and fawn pretty much constantly in most social situations. I do not feel in control. What most people know me as is a bunch of trauma responses. I feel like I'm watching myself have conversations and making "decisions" from another room.
It took me a long time to admit this to myself.
That not only am I not a good person, it's mostly impossible for a person to be truly good. Even knowing what good is, in its entirety, is nigh impossible. The best that can be done isn't necessarily within my energy and/or skill.
There are wrongs that cannot meaningfully be righted.
Doing a little good some of the time is the most I can ever aspire to.
That just meaning well or having good intentions, are not enough. You need to actually show up and make time for the things, and people, you value.
Thinking of a great friend who had the courage to break up with me, and tell me straight up it's because I was a bad friend to them.
Pardon my language, though I heard this in an interview with Jimmy Carr, and it rather highlights this for me quite well:
I'm paraphrasing, though it was something like "if you've seen five cunts before noon, you're the cunt".
My sapphic brain wasn't tuned to understand that quote properly at first. Instead of seeing an insult, I thought, "Wow, that sounds like a busy, but amazing, morning."
I've started noticing that I'm echoing some of the bad habits of my father, either behaviorally or genetically, I'm not sure which. I'm determined to never go down that path because I've seen what it's done to our family. I've made some changes that will hopefully head that off. If those don't help, there's always professional help.
Still, depressing to realize.
The realization of how truely alone I am when everything started collapsing after our house was sold and how my parents who supposedly were suppose to love me, don't love me and how I do have daddy issues because of this and I am not exactly as strong mentally as I thought of myself to be.
I only exist to care for the people I love, and without them I have nothing else to organize my life around.
My ADD is far worse than I thought and I should have noticed that decades ago.
The biggest pill was that I am not intelligent. I was just studious and invested enough time to pass exams. People not doing what they should do is not them being stupid but me not grasping the full picture.
The second biggest pill that I am still swallowing is that I am not a good person. I try to behave in a good way, but it's manipulative and not authentic. People don't like goodness if it doesn't come from the heart.
I need to get a grip when driving and not let others upset me so easily.
That I come from a highly dysfunctional family and my entire personality is a reaction to them. I knew they were dysfunctional but I was in denial about their impact. Connecting with my true self had been a bitch.
I realized at about 20 that I can really hurt people by trying to whitewash reality and sweep the bad away.
I also have a hard time making friends and then maintaining those relationships. Would like to get better, but apparently not enough to actually do so? We'll see. Life is searching.
Yes... quitting all your jobs and becoming homeless is much better then getting abused 80 hours a week by your 3 employers
But there can be a better way.
I gotta spend less time on lemmy
Alcohol isn't everyone's friend, I was an alcoholic at 18, and refused to acknowlege that fact and kept denying it in the face of all the evidence. When I finally asked for help and quit drinking at 45, I realised how much of a mess I'd made of my life. Thankfully I've been sober since (going on 7 years now). Addiction is not a joke people.
That I wasted over a decade trying to figure out what was wrong with me on my own before I finally got professional help.
I really am kind of messy but it's because I work so much I don't have time to do anything properly at all. I always feel frantic.
I'm horrible at acting in my own best interest and will say no to opportunities because i don't feel like i deserve it or that I'm capable of doing something.
That I have a tendency towards addiction with drugs. I've been high (marijuana) more often than not for the past decade, with spurts of alcoholism peppered in throughout my adult life. I also had a phase for about a year where I did shrooms once or twice a week.
I still struggle with my consumption, but at least now I'm aware that it can easily get to the point where it affects my life too much and can cut back when I'm starting to feel like I'm getting sucked in. I think I'll always be an addict of some form or another, though.
Anxiety and taking care of others before I take care of myself.
i've recently had to accept that my neurodivergence makes managers, supervisors, etc. uneasy about me despite my stellar track record and the sole reason why i was able to maintain continuous employment was because of my high demand skill set; which means that employment will become increasingly difficult as i continue to age.