The Onion

A guide to raising birth rates from article.

Increase these : libraries, public schools, public parks, and public broadcasting

Decrease these: worried about whether he will lose his job,or if our kids’ school will lose funding, or if our neighbors will be deported, or if our gay and trans friends will be stripped of more of their rights, or if the air quality will get so bad that we will all be forced into being stay-at-home everyones,

Brilliant article that highlights many issues. (There are other issues, but this is a good list.)

Some women might think that being a SAHM means forfeiting their earning, intellectual, and social power for the sake of their children, who may not even like them very much or fare better with them than they would at a quality daycare. These women might also be worried that the current administration’s attacks on public education and policies that promote access to it for all children are somehow bad for future generations. But these women aren’t sexy, and they most definitely aren’t patriots.

Take it from me, a baddie with a body (that has been absolutely wrecked by bearing two children) who gave up a minimally lucrative career in marketing to raise her babies because her husband’s job paid much better and the cost of daycare and the prospect of getting into a good one seemed too daunting to pursue: There is nothing in this life that makes me feel more potent, sexual, or ready to triple the size of my brood than staying in my house all day with my children. Especially when they are screaming at me or each other over some deeply felt but completely illogical perceived slight, which is always. If it weren’t for the inconvenient distractions caused by libraries, public schools, public parks, and public broadcasting, I’d probably want to get down and get pregnant even more.

And since my husband and I are never worried about whether he will lose his job, or if our kids’ school will lose funding, or if our neighbors will be deported, or if our gay and trans friends will be stripped of more of their rights, or if the air quality will get so bad that we will all be forced into being stay-at-home everyones, we both feel so sexually supercharged at all times that we could probably resurrect this nation’s mystifyingly low birthrate all on our own. Which sounds like it might easily net us between six and ten thousand dollars, and at least as many medals.

Noice

Love the snark in the article

Mood.

Sometimes. I mean, I-

Mood

Sounds like my ex.