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The urge to come out is becoming unbarable (lemmy.ml)

submitted 1 year ago* (last edited 1 year ago) by Gush@lemmy.ml to c/lgbtq_plus@beehaw.org

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Hello, it's what the title says. I feel like this can't go on like this, i don't have real friends and that's purely because of me not feeling like showing who i really am in front of others. I'm surrounded by people whom I wouldn't want to even talk to, because they are bigoted or merely ignorant. Instead, I think that by coming out I can get more chances to meet new people with whom I could feel comfortable talking to about my passions and ideas without being afraid to reveal my sexuality. This could also be a way to sort through the people i know around me and understand which one deserves sticking with me and which not. But this could be a bit dangerous, not to the level of risking being beaten up (maybe) but there is the risk of being marginalized by those around me, but then again if this could help me find real friends then maybe it's kinda worth it. What do you think about this? Has it ever happened to you that you wanted to come out but were afraid of the consequences?

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[–] malcolmlucker@lemm.ee 14 points 1 year ago (1 children)

I was very afraid, so much I didn't consider (and maybe you neither) that it doesn't have to be an all-in event. You can come out person by person, or if there really is nobody you trust, reach out to other queer people, organizations or online communities. They will always be responsible with not outing you, because we've all been through this. Exchange with other queer people helped me a lot with accepting myself and just the joy of being among people who "get me".

I know the fear of losing friends and I don't know you, so it might be warranted, but hiding your true self to not lose friends is also a terrible pain you're afflicting to yourself.

[–] Gush@lemmy.ml 6 points 1 year ago (1 children)

The fact that i'm shy doesn't really help much... best i could do is to join some online communities but that's not gonna cut it in the long run. By the way what do you mean by "they will always be responsible with not outing you"?

[–] aphlamingphoenix@lemm.ee 5 points 1 year ago* (last edited 1 year ago)

They mean those people understand that being out is dangerous for some people in some scenarios. They've likely been in those scenarios before, or they know someone who has. They're sympathetic to your concerns about being out, so they won't go blabbing about it to others without your consent.

They are responsible with your secret and the trust you've placed in them.

[–] Kolanaki@yiffit.net 5 points 1 year ago

I was afraid to tell my parents, but when I finally did they didn't react at all how I thought. They are pretty Christian and my dad always made gay jokes so I thought they'd disown me or something. Instead they took me out for ice cream.

[–] sculd@beehaw.org 3 points 1 year ago (1 children)

The most important thing you need to consider is can you support your own life. If the answer is yes, coming out is much less risky because you can just move away and start a new life in a more liberal place.

Otherwise you need to consider more carefully.

[–] Gush@lemmy.ml 5 points 1 year ago (1 children)

I live in a country where luckily disowning your child and leaving them without a house just because they're queer is not part of the culture, and i know my parents would be ok with my sexuality

[–] sculd@beehaw.org 4 points 1 year ago (1 children)

Oh! That is great news! Then you should seriously consider talking to your parents first, and then go from there.

Having family support is really important. After that, consider slowly talking to close friends who would be okay with your sexuality to build a support network for yourself.

[–] Gush@lemmy.ml 3 points 1 year ago (1 children)

If i have to go safe, there is only one person in my class that could be cool with that... i can't be sure about the rest. Doesn't seem like a big support network... maybe that's a start?

[–] sculd@beehaw.org 3 points 1 year ago (1 children)

That would be a great start!

I understand the urge to just come out to everyone but its important to ensure you get the support you need.

When I came out I did it in private setting, one by one, so I can get their individual reaction and intention. Lost a few "friends" but also found surprising allies. Made by life much easier after that.

[–] Gush@lemmy.ml 3 points 1 year ago

Man sometimes i think i was born too early, i wish i was in an era where queer people could just live normally without these concerns. Thank you for the advices, much appreciated