askchapo

I suspect I’m autistic and have adhd and have usually felt a sort of “but why” instinct to all gendered expectations put upon me. This is how I feel with all sorts of social pressures so I’m not sure if it’s a function of dysphoria specifically. I identify with my body and pronouns but that’s about where it stops.

Middle school was probably the only time I didn’t feel confident enough to just handwave the malign pressure boys can put on other boys. That middle school thing of being left alone, having friends and not being bullied being (or seeming) incumbent on walking a fine line and not looking uncool.

High school was great, I was as weird as I wanted to be. My sibling and dad also exhibit traits of autism and weren’t at all interested in putting gendered expectations on me; again I don’t know if the possible autism is the reason it just feels like analytical thinking is paramount in my family. Way later in adulthood I have a boss who does schrodingers jokes saying shit like “men don’t read manuals”, but I’m completely comfortable calling him a boomer and rallying my colleagues against his bad boomer opinions. I have no aspirations to his cliched vision of masculinity.

I saw demigender or Demi-boy as a possible name for someone who feels kind of male. Maybe that’s me? Or is society just building a huge house of cards on top of the concept of masculinity that doesn’t serve but a very small subset of men at best? Apologies for the ramble.

Through an incredible mixture of lack of education (or understanding on my part) and very likely "toxic male" disgust at regular human functions when performed by their feminine counterparts, I was unaware of menstrual cycles until I had a girlfriend for the first time. Very early 20s. I never revealed this information to her either, but I was internally fascinated at this entire "secret" held by ~50% of the population that I had no idea about.

I know people will probably think I'm exaggerating, so all I can say is "I'm not." I didn't know how tampons worked. I had no idea really how often women have their periods. All I knew was vaguely like "Women bleed sometimes and it causes them to be..." well, fill in the blank there. Stuff I had picked up from popular media, basically.

I have to credit her (my ex) with dealing with what was surely a nearly comical amount of ignorance. Probably something women who date men are used to. She had to teach my dumb ass all about getting pregnant (the times women can/can't mostly). And things like "It's messy. There will be blood. Possibly everywhere."

Thinking back now, it really is fucking hilarious that I had no idea. I promise you with 100% certainty that there are a ton of teenage to young 20 year old men right now, possibly even reading this, who also don't know or have the vaguest possible conception of menstrual cycles. I don't know what more kind of education would be required. Maybe this is something guys, especially ones without sisters or young cousins around, just don't encounter until they have a steady girlfriend and reality becomes unavoidable. I kinda get the impression though that there are tons of 40, 50+ year old men who have whole-ass wives and maybe daughters who still refuse to learn about periods and what's going on. They just put up a mental block and go "nope! Don't talk to me about it! Just let me know when it's over!"

To really tie this all to the main question though, that's the type of "harm" I can say I had. Just this general avoidance of bodily functions being discussed by men allows us to be, well, full grown men and still totally ignorant of things we absolutely need to have a decent understanding of. When I hang out with or am sort of just existing near my girlfriend and her friends, or she tells me what they discuss, there's a lot of openness and frankness when it comes to "gross" functions. Men will make crude jokes, but the dynamic is different it feels like. I don't know how to really word it, but basically women are forced to "grow up" and don't get a choice about it. Teenage girls are thrown to the wolves. While men get to be boys forever. It's just acceptable to not take things seriously and not know elementary things. In fact knowing things and showing some level of empathy is seen as "being woke" (or "gay" in the bad sense of the word) or whatever. You're pretty actively discouraged from caring about women's issues.

This shit affects men, too. Like abortion being illegal in places in the US 100% harms men. Not to make this all about men, but for the purposes of this discussion. Men have to deal with the consequences of a pregnancy as well. Especially if he and the mother don't want a child... yet she can't do anything about it. Or if you do want a child, both parents let's just say, but the pregnancy has complications, needs to be terminated, but no doctors will touch her due to ambiguous laws. And she dies. I'd say that affects men a great deal.

This culture of acceptable willful ignorance by men prevents many men from ever being "men" in a way that I'd define it anyway. Basically someone who isn't afraid to stand up for and defend the marginalized and "weak" in society. It's created entire generations of emotionally stunted, ignorant, and frankly, just being real, pathetic boys in man-sized bodies. You can listen to any right winger now days, and it's literally the mind of a 14 year old boy inside of a 35 year old man-body. Ex: Andrew Tate or Ben Shapiro (I'd posit neither of these man-boys know how "pussies work" still to this day, which I think probably proves enough of my long winded comment. They don't need to. If they ever expressed the knowledge that they do, they'd get mocked by their right wing peers for caring)

I've been doing so much thinking about this ever since that book club started. I have this rule of thumb about not declaring something a gender issue if it's something that both shitty men and shitty women do. So, for example, the major through lines of my thoughts about how I feel disposable I believe are capable of being transposed onto a woman's POV. I think most people have had feelings like those around them don't believe they are worth being listened to. Therefore ones sense of self is developed in spite of those people is a tale as old as time. For example, there's the power fantasy (that sometimes comes to fruition in my line of work) that you could have listened to me earlier for a reasonable price and now you have to pay a fuck-you price now that you're imperiled. That doesn't have a gender attached to it as far as I'm concerned.

I actually have a few friends I have spoken to in depth about emotional topics, so I don't have the typical talking point. I think my emotional maturity was delayed by inherited beliefs about gender norms and currents of sexism, but I always got to talk through it. I have issues with authority because I didn't really get that relief from my parents or authority figures in my youth. It's weird though - whenever I see a woman being super standoffish or I get a match on a dating app from someone who touts themselves as super talkative who only gives one word answers I don't feel harmed. I feel pity. Like some kind of gender norm or conditioning has clouded you so profoundly that you can't even see me when I'm right in front of you. Like I'm not the victim, you are. You have to do some quick calculation about my visage and you get some number that I'm too big a risk to engage with so it's better to cringe out. It's so funny because if your friend introduced us and we were in the exact same position you'd open up and we'd have a perfectly good conversation. I could even point to a moment where a woman was roasting my tinder profile with her friends only for them to recognize me and invite me over to play Mario Party. It's all so deeply unserious for me - as Itachi said "appearances and preconceptions aren't going to tell you anything[1]."

I feel like the beneficiary of patriarchy because I'm able bodied, strong, and unburdened. The car mechanic is fair to me. I don't have an implicit fear of violence that gets reinforced as I walk around. I was joking around with a guy I only kind of know at a party recently. He wanted me to lose in Smash, I won, I flipped him off, and he grabbed my finger. He says something to the effect of "do you know what I could do to this finger?" I go "idk," keep giggling, and move on. The remark did not register with me, plain and simple, until I reflected on how it was a threat of violence (of dubious seriousness). I fight and study fighting enough to know that the answer is actually "not much, you'd much rather have the wrist."

If I've learned anything, it's that I'll be humble and thankful for being who I am. I'll use it to advocate for communism and advocate for reading One Piece. And, of course, make sure that the people who come into my life to share my values, time, and space are appreciated with all the strength I can muster

I have always been fairly emotionally intelligent and it’s something that my family and authority figures always tried to beat out of me. As a kid I didn’t hesitate to express my feelings or even cry when sad which apparently meant I was a sissy, the ‘emotional child’, wuss etc etc. I learned to suppress it to avoid the critiques, but as a teenager and young adult rekindled my ability to fully and freely express myself. And my god why is it normalized to try to force men to have no emotion. We’re human beings it’s ok to feel

I've a hard time to put it into words, but yeah the not being able (or wanting) to behave as a supposed male made a big dent in my social life, I suppose that's not the only reason but it is a big one, I just never felt at place and a lot of cishet male behavior just grosses me out tbh. I think modern society doesn't help, masculinity just doesn't make any fucking sense anymore, it's just a mishmash of contradiction

Also my mom thought I was gay for not having a gf at one point but it was fairly harmless lmao

Again I suck at expressing myself on this subject rn

::: spoiler CW: Mentions of abuse and violence

I cannot make mistakes, which means whatever I do I did on purpose however the recipient perceived it.
Not wanting to have sex with a woman makes me gay. If I am with a woman and I am unable to reach an orgasm, then that means there is either something wrong with her or me. Being good friends with another man means that I am gay. Being good friends with a woman means that I want to fuck her. If I don't show feeling then I am stunted. When I show feelings I am mocked. If I participate in a discussion with a woman then I am talking over her. If I don't participate, then I am timid and not a real man. If I am afraid or scared then that's a funny thing. I cannot be molested. I wasn't molested when someone got me super drunk, took off my clothes, drew on me, grabbed my junk, filmed it and shared it with others in our school. I cannot be molested. I have to "man up".

I have to be "a real man". Nevermind what that is and also that thing is toxic (it is, but the people who recognize this still tell me to be a real man in other words). I am constantly expected to be the adult, calm, rational, patient, protective, all-encompassing, all-capable paternal platonic protector. Whenever I step out of this role I am mocked. I am mocked for being lonely, I am mocked for being with friends.

On another level: While I acknowledge women have it hard, it can be very difficult to hear women talk about men in public. The "mocking" I talked of is not the mocking I will talk of now. I know the "imagine if you said x instead of y" is a bullshit thing, but I really do wish women would do this with how they talk of men at times, because sometimes it seems like they think they're incapable of reinforcing patriarchy. That goes for here as well. In leftist groups I'll see women, frankly, shit on men in very harmful ways and it's tough. I exist now in a weird superposition where I am both benefitting of patriarchy, with all the expectations that brings, while also no longer being in a patriarchal position (such as it was ages ago), but if I try to have that recognized then my beneficial position is brought up to dismiss my other positions.

I got beat by two of my ex-girlfriends "for fun". Never anything that left bruises, punches I could take. Not punches I wanted to take. Once I lightly shoulder-tapped my ex after she had hit me five times, I did this after telling her that I did not want to be hit, please stop, please realise this is unpleasant, please stop, if you do it again I will shoulder tap you. This was entirely unreasonable of me and I've been told so by more than just her. The verbal abuse I have taken is something else too, and it feels like it's just expected. Women need someone to unload on, sometimes their partners are just so annoying, it's almost a quirky little trait that they can be kinda toxic and unreasonable! Imagine if you had a friend and she told her her boyfriend "lightly hit her" from time to time when he was annoyed with her or just bored or whatever. "It's just for fun!" Imagine if she told you he would be entirely unreasonable from time to time and just expect her to understand that he was in a bad mood or whatever.
When we are told a man acts in this way, then we are rightly horrified. If a man complains about his girlfriend treating him like that however... More than likely he'll be called a boomer complaining about his "bit*h wife" or something like that. I know it sounds silly, but it really does get to me that women can complain about men in public (which they should) and get celebrated for it, but it doesn't really go the other way. And pointing this out I feel the need to underline that I know and understand women face immense hardships, systemic issues and all that, but it's just... It feel like it furthers the point I am trying to make. I dunno. Please just at least trust that I am coming with good intentions.

Fatherhood terrifies me. My cousin and his girlfriend left each other because she has an addiction issue. She tried to kidnap their child at one point. She has done drugs around the child. She almost won custody despite this (my cousin doesn't even drink and by all accounts he's a good guy. He does all he can for his daughter, he works extra hours so she can afford to ride horses and stuff.)
My uncle never lost custody of his kids, but his ex-wife moved to another country with their two children. Nothing the courts were willing to do, tough shit.

Part of me still thinks this is a fishing post to get us all banned but I'll bite.

I know I'm a generally above average handsome dude, always benefited from that in different ways so I can't complain about looks much. But I still have it in my brain that I'm not because I'm not the tallest, buffest dude by any means. When I was a kid I was skinny as a twig but then started going to the gym and got fuller but only like a toned-fit build, not a yolked monster like most dudes want to be, including myself. It's just not possible for my genetics or build, I think. Kinda weighs on me that I'm not as strong as others, even though I do surprise men and women with my strength for my size. But I don't look it, which is my problem internally. I can honestly whoop some ass if needed, and have, but I get anxious about size differentials and potential conflict that will go badly, especially if I'm with a partner. I grew up watching Arnold and Stalone tear it up and that's what I think a man looks like. I have that an eternally youthful, attractive, very friendly guy look. I also hate it because everyone thinks I'm significantly much younger than I am so men OF MY AGE OR YOUNGER dismiss me, discount me, or generally ignore me until they find out. And I only know my looks are good because I somehow am able to attract and keep women that (I think) are beautiful and way out of my league. If it wasn't for those experiences over the years making the realization finally dawn upon me, I wouldn't even have the self-esteem to have begun this by saying I'm handsome because I wouldn't believe it. I just started dating someone who, I think, is absolutely gorgeous and looks like a model to me or something and I'm still completely stupefied every day that passes that she wants to be with me, much less be my serious girlfriend. And it's not just her looks, she's just such a sweet person and so fucking funny and wants the same things as me and I just think she's perfect. I'm still waiting for her to tell me she changed her mind and found another more attractive, better-off guy to be with instead. I die of butterflies everytime she's sweet or affectionate to me. She laughs at the face I make every time. I still don't really believe in myself in that way deep down. I just fake it, I guess, or I objectively think it's true because people tell me and because of my experiences but I don't subjectively believe it because I don't look like what I think an attractive, gritty grown man looks like.

And I'm very well educated but I've never really had a highly valued social status job or career. I make decent money now and I'm actually in a "good" field but not wealthy or "middle class" by any means. That weighs on me because I know I'm fairly intelligent and knowledgeable, I don't doubt myself there although I'm humble enough to know that I don't know quite a lot and need to learn from others, but everyone thinks you're a meaningless idiot if you're not a doctor or an attorney or some big executive. Basically, if you're not the boss then you're just a grunt. They really treat you like shit, which—apart from my politics—is why I always try to be extra nice and courteous to workers. If you didn't leverage yourself into a status career with money, at whatever cost, then you fucked up and there are better men who did. I honestly could have but just dedicated myself to struggle and organizing in my young adulthood because I rejected and hated capitalism, but no one cares that you care. You're just an irresponsible failure who didn't sieze the moment you had to get yours so you could "provide" for your future family. That does make me feel like I fucked up sometimes, especially as I age and the comrades I had move away or drift apart and I end up feeling like that revolutionary fervor dies down for nothing in the end. The only comrades I regularly engage with are all of you on Hexbear and that's it. I know it's still worth it in the end, we're not Communists for our personal gain and I know I've made a difference in the lives of individuals and maybe in history in a small way, but part of me does feel like I messed up when I'm struggling with money or realize I can't do certain things with my life or be respected as a human being because I didn't pursue a status symbol career which would've probably inevitably resulted in some murder-suicide.

I'm also not White so I'm sure race plays a part in all of this too but I won't get into it because it's hard to know how and where to tweeze those apart, but I know it exacerbates everything I said.