Lets get my old transition journals out. I have photos, of my progress for month 1 Month 3 and month 4 in this entry but later have month 9 and 12 but I think it's a violation of the forum rules to upload them however. "Old Selfies" maybe. Let me know if I'm wrong I will upload the photos with this journal... I can also continue if you want but this should be enough for now. While everyone is different you can expect some bits like this... Maybe.

Month 1 (I can feel it but nothing to be seen.) January 2008

I reported feeling tried, and strange like my head was crammed full of cotton wool, for 2 weeks it was hard to focus weeks my depression subsided over the month and I felt very calm. I could Feel "something strange" shifting inside me by week 3, My sense of smell changed, as did my sense of taste. I preferred salty foods more and my sense of smell became much stronger, My libido started to drop after week 1. My nipples were more sensitive and maybe looked slightly chafed. My own scent began to diminish rapidly, I already had long hair pre-hrt I noticed that I was producing much less scalp grease by week 3, my hair had become glossy and shiny.

Month 2 (The shape of things to come.) February 2008

"The Foggy headedness has subsided and now I feel much more emotionally switched on and like I'm experiencing my life for the first time. The first change, My nipples had grown slightly larger. a hard "nut" can be felt behind them sensitivity has increased in the area." I report my body and facial hair are growing slightly slower, my hair remains smooth and glossy for an abnormal length of time, my hair would before get greasy within 12 hours of washing, I report not having washed it for 4 days and it still looking fluffy and smooth. I make a comment about* "how long haired women recommended only washing their hair once a week to protect it's length but I couldn't understand how. clearly this is how."* I note another physical change, My skin is in patches starting to become softer, I noticed it between my toes as I rubbed them together doing my homework. Libido has completely vanished.

Month 3 (Signs.) March 2008

I undeniably start growing breasts most of this entry is devoted to this. By the midpoint of the month I noticed sensitivity increasing rapidly in my chest, my nipples have increased in size again, The "Nut" now the size of a small golf ball. "Roots" can be felt growing from the "ball" into my chest. I mention 3 instances of me incapacitating myself.* "when I was getting ready for uni, I pulled my backpack forward then let the straps snap back to seat the bag more centrally, it catches the edge of my chest by my armpit the pain is extreme and am staggered by it."* I also later have a door clip my chest, when opening it with my hands full and similarly drop the plate of what I was carrying. A week later I describe noticing my breasts for the first time, the night before I'd struggled to sleep because my chest was itching intensely, scratching and squeezing it caused a momentary shock of arousal... The following morning I shower... and our student shower is faulty, the shower-head has a tendency to "blow apart" when turning on. Which happens to me, I'm pushing my arms infront of me as I'm assembling the shower head when I noticed them, I have boobs, Very small. but undeniable.

Month 4 (Angst) April 2008

Less changes my transformation has slowed, my nipples got larger again and are "unusually large" for any passing male they poke out puffily. I try to present feminine I hadn't done so since I was 18 (I was now 22 in my journals my birthday begin in month 2) I look horrible, nothing like how I was before "alittle boyish but passably a girl" before. I become distraught that I might get stuck looking like a freak gender forced to disfigured breasts, I consider if I'd made a mistake and will I like an ugly caveman. my breasts haven't grown larger and my anxiety is quite bad this month. I want them to both get bigger and also not get bigger. (I was doing this in secret at university) I get severe dysphoria again about my face angsting at every slight particular focus on my forehead (I'm actually sensitive about this even today.) and how I should have just been braver and come out when I was 18 and transitioned then. I beat myself up more in this post. It's not a nice entry.

This journal continues upto 1 year and 2 months... and things get pretty spicy later when I get outed disowned then start passing... but I've already longposted enough :P

I'm pretty sure there are laws against gene editing your own gonads (Fears of tweaking your Germline genome to make superhumans)

But overall pretty cool, an arguably even more dangerous way to castrate yourself :P I thought burdizzo clamps were scary.

I have a psychiatrist report circa 2008 from a "Dr Wolf" the guy was a general psychiatrist for the NHS and I was sent to him in error by my GP rather than begin referred to a GIC.

It's an incredible document of pure insanity and colonial transphobia, Dr Wolf was the strangest man I've ever spoken to, absolutely obsessed with my transgender body and it's transformation, the whole document describes akin to an SCP. stooped in transphobia transmedicalism he openly cites the HBS and Kinsey scale he spends pages of the document voyeuristically describing my appearance in empirical detail weighing and measuring me with chest and waist measurements I have photos of what I looked like then I assure you I was passable cute geeky girl but this man was wild in his details. The most crazy part is he says all of it completely without malice and I think he liked me despite begin a crazy transphobe.

Referring to me as "Real name" although I'd already changed my name via deed poll. Mentioning my chest demonstrates significant "Gynaecomastia" "Despite my BMI height and build begin 'optimal' and within feminine norms" and that while he is aware that I'm a "Caucasian male age 21" he also says "Their outward appearance is convincingly that of an unobtrusive young woman" "their voice is somehow of feminine pitch and resonance. Definitely not that of a male. How they have attained this effect is unclear." "Their mood euthymic, friendly and polite. They are calm and direct in answering my inquiries." "The only abnormal belief I can ascertain is that they believe themselves to be a woman." Just insane shit like that as it gose on.

The final part cracks me up. "I believe This pleasant 21 year old student fulfils all diagnostic criteria of Transsexualism ICD10 F64.0 Sex Orientation Scale Group-3 Class-5 Transsexual (True type) Sexual orientation Kinsey scale (4)" I can only picture like an agency operative saying this to his guards as they try to contain me. I guess I'm not pretty enough to be "class-6" :P

So alot of imagined apocalypses are essentially power fantasies. The idea that some part of society is stopping you from actualizing some part of yourself. I occasionally imagine them too, the collapse of the state that wants to oppress me so that some other new non-oppressive state can emerge it's kinda a big part of revolutionary fantasy too.

It's just alot of writers want to actualize kinda crappy desires which honestly alienate me from the writers most of the time. Hence we get crappy apocalypse fantasies like zombie apocalypses. (A desire to indulge in righteous violence vindicating a gun fetishist while you consume as much as you can scavenge)

I have "until then" I'm just finishing my current pile of books before I move onto another VN, good to know it's probably going to be good as this loser hates it.