I'm trying to be better but I'm terrible some days and better others, my willpower day-to-day isn't at all consistent enough to help. I'm always depressed and tired, even when I take my meds and get good sleep.
I love to imagine myself as I would be if I had the willpower and energy to tackle each day. What it would be like to be able to make friends as an adult without having anyone from college, highschool, or childhood. What it would be like if I could go about my day with confidence in my own ability, knowing I can back it up. What it would be like to live in my skin without wanting to scream all the time even when I'm happy. What it would be like if I was enough for myself.
What it would be like if I was just good enough to be okay. I wish I could be okay
How about ya'll?
I know many people are like me in one way or another, and asking if there are is kind of pointless, but I just want to hear from people like me. I don't want to be alone.
But I also know that these things are literally mostly the fault of the banal dystopia wearing down our will to live every day. As well as that despite all this shit you still believe in us, in the potential of humanity, is an act of love so pure that one who feels it cannot be evil. I will not accept your self hatred, you are a good person, just one thats been worn to pieces trying to pull them back together.
deleted my matrix account and lemmygrad account on a fit of breakdown, it is hard carrying yourself forward every single second, and every 100 seconds I start tearing up. I go to uni, attend 2 hour classes everyday, eat, buy food for the night, come back. I sometimes game, its CS2, which means its a comfort game, which I've been playing since 2017, but I don't have fun, because again, I'm all by myself. It is sometimes fun hearing the voice chat in casual and people are shitposting, or when a person does something funny in game while trying to clutch. Wish I was a part of that though, something more than just my own individual presence. I think I'm going back to 2019 again, where I was confused and alone, trying to deal with shit I did in childhood and adolescence that I couldn't bring myself to forgive. It's like Marx said, first as tragedy, then as a farce. I struggle going to social events, I think everyone I've managed to hold up a conversation to now hates me. the queer club is pretty apolitical, which sucks. Dm'ing people and then moving on to hanging out irl is what suits best for me, I've tried doing that with that club, but sadly resulted in no replies or ultimately me getting ghosted. I wish there was an ounce of spark I could see in others irl, who want to talk to me. I refuse therapy and medicines, I can't deal with support anymore that relies on the very superstructure that is directly affecting my material reality. My partners are separated between two countries in the imperial core, and it is really hard dealing with the individual loneliness/suicidality, and the collective part of getting depressed about the shit that goes on everywhere.
take care of yourself though, you're doing a great job, and I'm proud of you. I believe in you. Sending love <3
glad to hear from you comrade, thought you left fully, wishing the best