If feel like us guys are at a disadvantage here. All our lives were are told not to complain unless we bring a solution, not to cry, get up, keep moving.

Then suddenly the thought pattern we have been trained on all our lives turns out to not be healthy for supporting others and it's a hard transition to make when we want so desperately to help and are asked not to.

Not saying it's wrong, just hard.

Rubber ducking, not just for programmers. Listen, acknowledge what you're hearing, ask open ended questions (not leading), and learn from and about their experience. You'll grow closer and both people can gain a lot from it.

For anyone struggling with this, two hints that might help you frame your role better:

1. Listening is the solution. By trying to solve what your SO told you, you are actually trying to solve the wrong problem. Their real problem is that their brain needs to say things aloud to someone in order to correctly process it's own thoughts. Therapists make a frickin' living off of that quirk of our brains and it's the actual problem they come to you with. Even better: By listening you can not only advise on solutions, you can be the solution! Neat, huh?

2. Listening and solving aren't mutually exclusive. If you stick to listening first, your SO might actually come to a point where your advice is wanted. Pro tip: Once their thoughts slow down, ask if they want to hear what you think about the issue. From my experience, the answer will be "yes" very often. That way, your thoughts will actually reach your SO and not get blocked by frustration outright. Yet, as with everything else: No means no. So if you get a no, don't try again, shut the fuck up, alright?

I was way too old when I learned that you should ask if someone wants advice or just wants to vent. "Are we fixing or bitching?" is what I ask my best friend nowadays and it's made us less likely to butt heads when one of us just wants to talk shit to get it out.

I (37M) recently caught myself getting frustrated when my wife offered solutions to my ranting. I just wanted to complain and not be told all the ways I could have avoided the problem in the first place. I finally understand.

Sometimes people just need someone to listen to them bitch and moan. Sometimes we don't need a solution, sometimes there isn't even a solution.

As a problem-solver, it isn't only women.

This could also be an issue of this:

The difference between empathy and sympathy

In my experience some people struggle with empathy a lot more than they realise. And the "solutions" they offer are just ways for them to try and get out of an uncomfortable conversation. There are better and more honest ways to do that.

Most people, especially women, crave connection. We want to feel seen and understood. Cutting us off to provide a quick solution feels as if you really just want us to shut up so you can go back to whatever you were doing.

I forgot who, but someone told me i should ask; "do you need an ear or a solution" whenever people come rant about anything. Best tips i heard in a while.

Wow. Just wow. This is such an eye-opener. I mean, with all the comments here.

I had no idea this was a common thing! Up until now I thought only my girlfriend was like this.

Also, this makes me understand a Christmas present I received many years ago. I never understood the meaning of it and never knew from whom I received it and why (so I couldn't ask about it), it was just under the Christmas tree next to a book I received. This "gift" was just a note on a piece of very thin wooden sheet, it said "Is it necessary to find a solution to every problem? Can't we just enjoy the problem for a little bit?"

Now it kinda makes sense, although I still don't know why I received it. Yes, I am a very solution-oriented person, but I'm also very introverted, back then I didn't have a girlfriend, I had no friends, I didn't even talk with my family much, and honestly, I couldn't even really find solutions to problems in the first place. I have no clue what made someone give that to me.

"Before you start, are you looking for solutions, or are you looking for someone to listen?"

This is an essential relationship skill/concept. Learn it and watch all your relationships improve.

I get annoyed because the "solution" they offer is usually the most obvious thing that anyone could come up with in 2 seconds. It's like, don't you think I've already thought of that? I wouldn't complain about something if the solution was simple and obvious.

My mother is a steel woman, rational and calm, no bitching, no crying, there is a problem? fix it. You need something? say it, don't expect others to guess. Words are empty, you care? See what that person needs and help them. Not a fan of corny things, you want love? There is this delicious food, and a hug, now grow up and keep going.

Aaand everything she taught me, has put me at odds with every women I have dated.

You're not getting it. The listening is the help

Eeeeehhhhhhh I have a feeling Lemmy is going to skin me alive for this but I can't help myself.

It's not about the nail.

https://youtu.be/-4EDhdAHrOg?feature=shared

This meme is pretty belittling to the wife in this scenario and it's kind of fucked.

Rule #1 of being in a relationship is learning to listen and empathize with your partner. Just sit, and listen quietly, and tell them "that really sucks, I am so sorry, I'm here for you" It's really that simple. Most of us are techy and leap to a solution because that's how our brains are wired but they just want someone to listen. Just listen

Venting is important as a support person. Sometimes it really is just being there for the person.

some many years ago my wife and i had a conversation about this.

sometimes it needs to be communicated to me that she wants to vent. this is different than seeking solutions to a given problem.

I'm a problem solver. I know how to solve those problems!

It took years of marriage before it was pointed out that's not what the complainer wants.

Whenever I complain, I usually already know what needs to be done to solve the problem(if there is a solution). Venting is honestly more for emotional affirmation than anything else.

Of course, if I would suggestions or help, I would not hesitate to ask for them.