this post was submitted on 08 Mar 2024
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[–] Blahaj_Blast@lemmy.blahaj.zone 35 points 8 months ago (1 children)
[–] InRlyehDreaming@programming.dev 44 points 8 months ago (2 children)

"I hope this email finds you before I do"

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[–] ChairmanMeow@programming.dev 27 points 8 months ago (1 children)

"I'm going to teach you that having kneecaps is a privilege, not a human right".

[–] AceFuzzLord@lemm.ee 4 points 8 months ago

Tom Nook? Is that you?

[–] PP_BOY_@lemmy.world 25 points 8 months ago (1 children)

Half of these are just OOP's kinks showing

[–] humorlessrepost@lemmy.world 13 points 8 months ago
  • I will edge you then ruin your orgasm

Like seriously OP just go watch some toe sucking watersports porn on Bing.

[–] 2deck@lemmy.world 24 points 8 months ago (2 children)
[–] Stretch2m@lemm.ee 3 points 8 months ago

Take it easy there, Satan.

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[–] GBU_28@lemm.ee 17 points 8 months ago (5 children)

I will grant you immortality then lock you in a box

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[–] Kolanaki@yiffit.net 15 points 8 months ago* (last edited 8 months ago) (1 children)

I used to RP a character in Ultima Online that would threaten people with "I'm going to remove your larynx through your sphincter."

[–] hswolf@lemmy.world 3 points 8 months ago

Okay, I'll not comment on your comments anymore, I just realized that's extremely silly

[–] Snapperhead@lemmy.world 15 points 8 months ago (1 children)
[–] knightmare1147@lemmy.world 3 points 8 months ago

General well wishes with zero actual threat that come off as extremely threatening

[–] iamjackflack@lemm.ee 15 points 8 months ago (2 children)
[–] mojofrododojo@lemmy.world 2 points 8 months ago

I'm going to show your toilet #3.

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[–] NakariLexfortaine@lemm.ee 14 points 8 months ago

"I will stare into your eyes even after you blink".

[–] ShunkW@lemmy.world 11 points 8 months ago (1 children)

"I want to collect your shadow"

It's from the band Craft's song I Want To Commit Murder. Pretty great black metal.

[–] MagnyusG@lemmy.world 4 points 8 months ago

Sounds more creepy romantic than threatening, like something a stalker would say.

[–] Daft_ish@lemmy.world 11 points 8 months ago (1 children)

I always thought the idea of biting someone else's tooth out was unsettling.

[–] squeakycat@lemmy.ml 8 points 8 months ago (1 children)

Where have you heard that?! That's new and disturbing imagery to me.

[–] Daft_ish@lemmy.world 6 points 8 months ago

Just my head

[–] GabrielBell12fi@lemmy.world 10 points 8 months ago

There's a repeated line in "Once Upon A Time" that is supposed to be romantic, but taken from another point of view is very unsettling.

"I will find you. I will always find you"

[–] Dasus@lemmy.world 9 points 8 months ago
[–] Only_Slightly_Bent@lemm.ee 9 points 8 months ago

I'll hit you until I pass out

[–] DaCrazyJamez@sh.itjust.works 7 points 8 months ago

"I'm about to become the reason your children will have nightmares"

[–] Evil_incarnate@lemm.ee 7 points 8 months ago (1 children)

I will salt your papercuts.

I will grate your cheese.

I shall end your bloodline, with a spoon.

[–] mojofrododojo@lemmy.world 3 points 8 months ago (1 children)

I will grate your cheese.

I mean I'm making quesadillas so that'd be great... er, very nice of you.

the spoon thing tho that's pretty good

[–] littlebluespark@lemmy.world 2 points 8 months ago

"... Why a spoon, cousin?"

[–] SrTobi@feddit.de 7 points 8 months ago (2 children)

When asked what their biggest fear is most people say stuff like "spiders" and "heights"... And I'm always like "why is never anyone thinking about being tortured to death?" is there something worse? I doubt it

[–] rockerface@lemm.ee 7 points 8 months ago (1 children)

Being tortured almost to death is worse, because, once you recover, they can do it all over again

[–] tooclose104@lemmy.ca 4 points 8 months ago

Being tortured to death and brought back multiple times then set free. No amount of therapy will guide you out of the woods after that.

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[–] MadBob@feddit.nl 6 points 8 months ago

Where I'm from, there's the expression "you'd look good in a binbag", which is supposed to mean that you'd even look good wearing a binbag, but I've always thought it sounds like someone wants to chop you up and throw you in the bin.

[–] Cosmos7349@lemmy.world 5 points 8 months ago

I did once have someone come at me while saying "I WILL RIP YOUR EYEBROWS OUT"

[–] ThatWeirdGuy1001@lemmy.world 5 points 8 months ago

My personal favorite is:

"I will walk through you"

[–] medgremlin@midwest.social 5 points 8 months ago (1 children)

One of my go-to phrases is "Imma feed you to a cow".

[–] mojofrododojo@lemmy.world 3 points 8 months ago

this is a great threat, anyone who's watched cows eat, regurgitate, and re-eat, would be horrified.

[–] JayDee@lemmy.ml 5 points 8 months ago

"when I'm finished, you're gonna be in multiple time zones at once."

[–] KISSmyOS@feddit.de 4 points 8 months ago (1 children)
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[–] agent_flounder@lemmy.world 4 points 8 months ago

You will go nicely with the lamp base I just bought.

[–] Aggravationstation@lemmy.ml 4 points 8 months ago

One I've always wanted to try is "I will keep punching you until I break through your head."

[–] Seleni@lemmy.world 3 points 8 months ago

I always liked Digger’s threat to Herne: ‘and furthermore, should you hurt its feelings, I will smelt ore with your bones, understand?’

[–] littlebluespark@lemmy.world 2 points 8 months ago

I will unfuck your mother.

[–] Adalast@lemmy.world 2 points 8 months ago

My favorite: Don't make me shove a straw in your carotid to see how far I can make the blood fountain shoot.

[–] Hyperreality@kbin.social 2 points 8 months ago
[–] sagrotan@lemmy.world 2 points 8 months ago

"I'll send your teeth brush to the unemployment office" or "Carmine, you sit in the front seat, I wanna stretch my legs", I for myself like to use "you have my undivided attention now", freaks people out. Don't have to use it very often, one or 2 times in my life in earnest. Add Jack Nicholson smile for good measure.

[–] southsamurai@sh.itjust.works 2 points 8 months ago (1 children)

Eh, I wouldn't call those unsettling. Humorously over the top to me.

Something more akin to "I will fucking beat you until you shit yourself" is unsettling. Going with "I will shove a dildo studded with tacks in your ear" is just absurd.

[–] mojofrododojo@lemmy.world 2 points 8 months ago* (last edited 8 months ago)

"I'mma punch you so hard you're gonna forget tomorrow." heard this once tossed out, he didn't 'win' as other guy had ground game and it was quickly broken up, but it stuck with me. good ol barracks fights. everyone loses.

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