I'm not sure I should start this conversation and I've been rewriting this a lot lol. But I could use some relating and opinions from fellow internet leftists
Ok so, to keep it really simple: I happened to share a meal with somebody I really liked. I have interacted casually (no flirting) for about a dozen minutes total and we exchanged contact because of shared-interests (not dating)
Now my brain is fried
I'm thinking about her way too much and it gives be bad vibes, she probably has no idea and I can't imagine the sheer horror of realising that someone is thinking this much about you after so little interaction.
I want to be a well-behaved straight (kinda bi but that's beyond the point) guy, I'm trying to be an ally to the feminist cause, so, failing this spectacularly at behaving normally in relation to women disgust me. I know I can't remove the patriarchy from my body but I damn wish I could.
It's less about fucking up and more just about being highly uncomfortable with things that are inherent, innate, and immutable aspects of my existence.
Taking your account at face value, usually there is a reason that we hate or are uncomfortable with things. Assuming they are truly immutable qualities, it's probable that something conditioned your reaction to them and near-certain that it can be conditioned differently. Reality is dialectical, things change whether we want them to or not, so we may as well make use of the fact that we ourselves change as organisms and as people over the course of that dialectic.
It's in the form of internalized bigotry usually.
I harbor a lot of self-hatred over my race, my queerness (especially my transness), and my neurodivergence.
I have developed a strong tendency to refer to myself with very disparaging terms as a result of this self-hatred.
I'm too "abnormal" to feel like I do not deserve to be hated. There aren't enough people I relate to for me to have a frame of reference of how people like me are supposed to be treated.
For this reason, I see myself as an exception who may be a person that actually deserves hate both from others and from myself.
I think if you recognize it as internalized bigotry, that's a positive indication that your relationship with those feelings can change. I think one way to look at it is that we, as communists and as people who want a kinder, more equitable world, believe that people being different doesn't make them any less valuable as humans. Surely, if you met someone with some bizarre deformity that you've never seen before, your reaction would not be "there is no place for this person, we are not like them," you would seek to engage with them as human beings because that's the one really important commonality. Am I mistaken?
I know, at the very least, what to call it, but I don't think I can say for sure that my feelings can change.
The funny thing is that I don't look down on any other person or even sentient non-humans. I think they all deserve respect, but I place myself below all others in the grand scheme of moral consideration. I often feel like a monster, a threat, and a detriment, but I try not to be.
I want to make others happy, but I don't know if I deserve to even do that.