this post was submitted on 23 Jun 2024
483 points (98.4% liked)

Not The Onion

12551 readers
1533 users here now

Welcome

We're not The Onion! Not affiliated with them in any way! Not operated by them in any way! All the news here is real!

The Rules

Posts must be:

  1. Links to news stories from...
  2. ...credible sources, with...
  3. ...their original headlines, that...
  4. ...would make people who see the headline think, “That has got to be a story from The Onion, America’s Finest News Source.”

Comments must abide by the server rules for Lemmy.world and generally abstain from trollish, bigoted, or otherwise disruptive behavior that makes this community less fun for everyone.

And that’s basically it!

founded 2 years ago
MODERATORS
top 50 comments
sorted by: hot top controversial new old
[–] dhork@lemmy.world 135 points 6 months ago* (last edited 6 months ago) (2 children)

Moses : The Lord, the Lord Jehovah has given unto you these fifteen...

[drops one of the tablets]

Moses : Oy! Ten! Ten commandments for all to obey

[–] MrsDoyle@lemmy.world 77 points 6 months ago (5 children)

What's funny is that (according to the old testament) when Moses came down off the mountain with the tablets and found everyone worshipping the golden calf, he had a big hissy fit and smashed them. So then after doing quite a bit of murdering he had to go back up the mountain to get a second set. Exodus 32-34

I asked a religious relative how it was ok for Moses to murder people when he had only just be told by God himself "thou shalt not kill", and she said it was because the don't kill thing came further down the list than having only the one god.

[–] match@pawb.social 36 points 6 months ago

Asimov's Ten Laws of Holy Robotics

[–] rwhitisissle@lemmy.world 22 points 6 months ago (1 children)

As a note, the Israelites would in later generations go on to kill a shitload of people. It's one of those things where it seems like the Bible only really considers it murder if God doesn't sanction it. It's honestly one of the many sticking points that makes Abrahamic religions a hard sell for modern individuals. That said, if you look at it from a historical perspective, it really comes across more like a religious version of the Code of Hammurabi. It's less "don't kill" as a philosophical or religious position and more about sanctions against killing in a practical legal sense. A functioning society has laws that formally govern behavior and the Israelites were essentially an ecclesiarchy, with Moses being both head of state and high priest. The same laws that governed social life were always going to intersect with laws that governed spiritual life.

load more comments (1 replies)
[–] FiskFisk33@startrek.website 16 points 6 months ago* (last edited 6 months ago) (3 children)

The bible seems to consider it murder only if it's another christian.

[if someone] has gone and served other gods and worshiped them, [...] you shall stone that man or woman to death with stones.

-Deuteronomy 17:2-5

If your brother, the son of your mother, or your son or your daughter or the wife you embrace or your friend who is as your own soul entices you secretly, saying, ‘Let us go and serve other gods,’ [...] you shall kill him. Your hand shall be first against him to put him to death.

-Deuteronomy 13:6-10

[–] frezik@midwest.social 13 points 6 months ago (1 children)

Moses: WTF is a "Christian"?

load more comments (1 replies)
load more comments (2 replies)
load more comments (2 replies)
[–] subignition@fedia.io 19 points 6 months ago (4 children)

I love this because what if actually? What if there's literally a buzzfeed tier list of five things to do we're missing for a utopian society? And mankind fucked it like we always do.

[–] corsicanguppy@lemmy.ca 28 points 6 months ago

You want the Council of Nicea where a pagan edited the Bible by decapitating people expressing ideas he didn't want in it.

[–] NeptuneOrbit@lemmy.world 25 points 6 months ago

God gave plenty more laws in the next few books of the Bible. The famous commandments about not mixing fabrics or cutting your hair? Yeah Moses of the Ten Commandments is behind that book too.

load more comments (2 replies)
[–] Boozilla@lemmy.world 76 points 6 months ago* (last edited 6 months ago) (9 children)

Louisiana: basic literacy is not their strong suit.

[–] homesweethomeMrL@lemmy.world 22 points 6 months ago (2 children)

suit but agreed. Edumacation was never one of the original thirteen commandiments.

[–] Boozilla@lemmy.world 12 points 6 months ago

Ha! Corrected. Thanks.

load more comments (1 replies)
[–] baduhai@sopuli.xyz 18 points 6 months ago (3 children)

basic literacy is not their strong suite.

Oof.

load more comments (3 replies)
load more comments (7 replies)
[–] HubertManne@moist.catsweat.com 62 points 6 months ago (1 children)

I mean originally there were 15.

[–] bazus1@lemmy.world 91 points 6 months ago (2 children)
[–] fsxylo@sh.itjust.works 24 points 6 months ago (4 children)

My favorite joke from that movie.

I can't remember if it's the same movie, but the scene where Moses gets mugged is also a highlight for me.

load more comments (4 replies)
[–] Croquette@sh.itjust.works 19 points 6 months ago

... 10 commandments

[–] lemming@sh.itjust.works 62 points 6 months ago (3 children)

I very quickly checked wikipedia, because I couldn't easily identify the extra one. It lists all 16 of the 10 commandments... The table looks like different branches of christianity bundle some of them together (mostly various coveting) or don't even consider the first and last a commandment, so they always only count to ten. So it's an easy mistake to make.

But the fact that they couldn't even count the paragraphs is riddiculous.

[–] Jimmyeatsausage@lemmy.world 32 points 6 months ago (1 children)

Seems like the sort of thing people should know about a central tenet of a pillar of their identity...

[–] the_joeba@lemmy.world 24 points 6 months ago (5 children)

But then they'd have to stop eating shrimp, so...

load more comments (5 replies)
load more comments (2 replies)
[–] esc27@lemmy.world 62 points 6 months ago* (last edited 6 months ago) (2 children)

I read that as commandlets and now I'm worried Powershell has given me brain damage...

  1. if ((Get-God).Count -gt 1){Set-God -Identity "YHWH"}
  2. Get-Idol | Remove-Idol
  3. foreach($godsname in ((Get-God).Name){ if (($speech -like "$godsname") -and ($speech.vain)) {$speech = ""}}
  4. Set-Reminder -Start (Get-Date "06/29/2024") -Reoccurance 7 -Subject "Holy"
  5. Set-Person -Relation "Mother" -Honor $true; Set-Person -Relation "Father" -Honor $true;
  6. $murder = $false
  7. $adultry = $false
  8. $stealing = $false
  9. if ((Get-Truth $speech) -eq $false){$speech = ""}
  10. $NoCovet=(Get-Property -SearchDepth 2) + (Get-Person -Relation "Neighbor")
[–] Lets_Eat_Grandma@lemm.ee 19 points 6 months ago

i'm so sorry.

load more comments (1 replies)
[–] AeonFelis@lemmy.world 52 points 6 months ago (1 children)

The text of the Ten Commandments ... shall be printed in a large, easily readable font.

Comic Sans it is.

[–] ChickenLadyLovesLife@lemmy.world 19 points 6 months ago (8 children)
load more comments (8 replies)
[–] pineapplelover@lemm.ee 48 points 6 months ago (4 children)

How the fuck is this not illegal?

[–] NikkiDimes@lemmy.world 42 points 6 months ago (5 children)
load more comments (5 replies)
[–] ZILtoid1991@lemmy.world 26 points 6 months ago (1 children)

It's illegal, but good luck with the current supreme court!

load more comments (1 replies)
[–] Maggoty@lemmy.world 25 points 6 months ago

Clearly it's not religious since they added another commandment.

[–] HobbitFoot@thelemmy.club 15 points 6 months ago

Just because it is illegal doesn't mean you can't do it.

[–] andrewth09@lemmy.world 46 points 6 months ago* (last edited 6 months ago) (3 children)

They broke the 10th commandment into two commandments. There should have been a semicolon after 10a, not a new line.

(10a) Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's house.

(10b) Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife, nor his manservant, nor his maidservant, nor his cattle, nor anything that is thy neighbor's."

[–] tacosanonymous@lemm.ee 38 points 6 months ago (5 children)

10(Revised): Don't covet thy neighbors' shit.

[–] bradorsomething@ttrpg.network 21 points 6 months ago (1 children)

10.0.2 fixed coveting of cattle to match other items in coveting domain

load more comments (1 replies)
load more comments (4 replies)
[–] ChickenLadyLovesLife@lemmy.world 25 points 6 months ago (1 children)

nor his manservant, nor his maidservant

"Slaves" in the original, but of course we can't allow any hint of three thousand year old shit not being strictly relevant any more.

load more comments (1 replies)
load more comments (1 replies)
[–] postmateDumbass@lemmy.world 30 points 6 months ago* (last edited 6 months ago) (2 children)
  1. Thou shalt not math.

PS: this is what happens when the commitee watches Spinal Tap too many times.

load more comments (2 replies)
[–] numberfour002@lemmy.world 28 points 6 months ago (7 children)

I mean aren't numbers invented by Arabics anyway? What's the point at ending with 9 and 10 when they could go full 9 and 11? /s

load more comments (7 replies)
[–] lurch@sh.itjust.works 27 points 6 months ago (4 children)

there's a base n joke somewhere in there

[–] Jimmyeatsausage@lemmy.world 15 points 6 months ago* (last edited 6 months ago)

That means something totally different in Louisiana than you intended...

load more comments (3 replies)
[–] LEDZeppelin@lemmy.world 21 points 6 months ago (1 children)

Home many of these commandments their lord messiah Trump violates on hourly basis?

[–] Lost_My_Mind@lemmy.world 14 points 6 months ago (1 children)

Oh, it's ok. Christians have never read the bible. They just make it up individually.

load more comments (1 replies)
[–] Denjin@lemmings.world 20 points 6 months ago (3 children)

I wonder if the poster they have to put up will show a picture of Jesus. Evangelicals sure do love those graven images.

load more comments (3 replies)
[–] RizzRustbolt@lemmy.world 19 points 6 months ago (1 children)

What do you mean "Thall shalt not horn in on thy husband's racket" isn't a commandment?

load more comments (1 replies)
[–] RickRussell_CA@lemmy.world 16 points 6 months ago (1 children)

I believe the last two listed ('Thou shalt not covet...') are considered to be the same commandment, although they appear as two separate verses in the Bible.

[–] Hope@lemmy.world 17 points 6 months ago* (last edited 6 months ago)

It varies, actually. See the numbering section on Wikipedia for a breakdown of how different traditions have broken down the list into ten items.

[–] FlyingSquid@lemmy.world 13 points 6 months ago (1 children)

For those who do not know, in Exodus, Moses gets pissed off, smashes the tablets people today call the Ten Commandments, goes back up the mountain and Yaweh has him carve new ones with different laws on them. Those laws are the only laws called "Ten Commandments" in the Bible.

They include:

Three times a year all your men are to appear before the Sovereign Lord, the God of Israel. [Good luck with that]

Do not offer the blood of a sacrifice to me along with anything containing yeast

“Do not cook a young goat in its mother’s milk.

As the end of the chapter says:

Moses was there with the Lord forty days and forty nights without eating bread or drinking water. And he wrote on the tablets the words of the covenant—the Ten Commandments.

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Exodus%2034&version=NIV

The Bible cannot be more clear on this point, but it's always ignored.

[–] Linkerbaan@lemmy.world 13 points 6 months ago

“The first offspring of every womb belongs to me, including all the firstborn males of your livestock, whether from herd or flock. 20 Redeem the firstborn donkey with a lamb, but if you do not redeem it, break its neck. Redeem all your firstborn sons.

load more comments
view more: next ›