this post was submitted on 08 Dec 2024
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Feeling broken, worn thin. (hexbear.net)
submitted 2 weeks ago* (last edited 2 weeks ago) by Feinsteins_Ghost@hexbear.net to c/chat@hexbear.net
32 comments fedilink hide all child comments
 

I want to preface this by saying I’m not s*icidal. I’m not. I’m just tired of feeling this way.

I’m unhappy. I’m angry. I’m empty. I’m emotionally stunted. I don’t want to feel this way any more. I’m tired of waking up in pain. I’m tired of feeling like a stranger everywhere I go. I have no friends. I work 7 tens a week. I HAVENT HAD A DAY OFF WORK IN OVER A MONTH STRAIGHT! Im pushing almost 300 hours the last four weeks alone. I don’t enjoy work anymore. It’s six AM and I’ve been up since three, aside from the first twenty minutes I haven’t quit crying. I never see my kids anymore and when I do I’m so wiped out from work that I can’t do anything but sit down.

I don’t like the man I see when I look in the mirror anymore. I’m so desperate for some inner peace. I don’t know where to turn. Counseling doesn’t help because I don’t know why. I’m on number four in about 18 months. I so desperately long for a human connection with someone. Any one.

This place isnt the cause. But I feel like the time I spend here could be better spent trying to fix whatever is wrong with me. I don’t think I’ll be back. I won’t be missed. I’m not a likable person and I don’t think I have been for some time.

Anyway, take care yall. I’m so sorry for being an asshole. Please accept my apology and understand that I don’t want to be this person any more. I so badly want to fix whatever is broken in me.

EDIT - I called in to work. I’m taking today off. I’m going to go have a conversation with my sister about some of the stuff rattling around in my head. Tomorrow, I’m going to try and find another counselor, I think.

I’m reconsidering deleting my account, but I’m still going MIA a while. Thank you guys for the kind words. I’ll be back eventually, hopefully less stressed.

Bye for now.

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[–] robot_dog_with_gun@hexbear.net 22 points 2 weeks ago

pulling for ya.

that work situation should be illegal

[–] NephewAlphaBravo@hexbear.net 21 points 2 weeks ago

For whatever it's worth, I remember you as the guy who at least twice decided to walk off the job instead of turning off people's water. I want that guy to have a good life.

[–] Thordros@hexbear.net 20 points 2 weeks ago (1 children)

I don’t think I’ll be back. I won’t be missed. I’m not a likable person and I don’t think I have been for some time.

I would like you to know that I thought of you, recently. We've never interacted (I don't think), but I remembered a time you made me laugh, and that was nice. You are likable, and you would be missed.

If you need to take some time away you should. Please know that I love you. Come back when you are able. cuddle

[–] Feinsteins_Ghost@hexbear.net 10 points 2 weeks ago

Thank comrade. I’m glad to know that I haven’t been an outright asshole to everyone.

stalin-heart

[–] PM_ME_YOUR_FOUCAULTS@hexbear.net 11 points 2 weeks ago

Sorry you're going through it comrade. FWIW I don't recall having had a negative interaction with you on here. If you need to, you can just take a break and come back when you're in a better place. I hope you get there

[–] Wolfman86@hexbear.net 10 points 2 weeks ago (1 children)

What do you do for a living?

It’s a crap place to start but we’ve got to start somewhere.

[–] Feinsteins_Ghost@hexbear.net 12 points 2 weeks ago* (last edited 2 weeks ago) (2 children)

Lead residential plumber (new construction/service work) at a small four man shop. 8-5/6 plus on call hours.

Thing is, I like whaat I do. Or, I used to. But my phone rings all day long, and all night long. Not only am I lead, I set appointments for service work, answer phone calls while in the field, coordinate inspections, bid on new jobs, delegate daily who is doing what, etc etc. My work cell number is on the business’s cards, and correspondence. I have all the stress of being a small business tyrant without the small business tyrant paychecks. I think I’m a manager, but my title is just ‘journeyman plumber’ on paper.

That doesn’t even touch on what I do on the side- I’m about a year out from getting my master’s license and going to work fr myself. So I have all of that, on top of my regular digs.

[–] Lussy@hexbear.net 15 points 2 weeks ago (2 children)

It really does seem like things are going to get better for you. You’re meeting so many potential future clients and getting knowledge of how to run a business, and you’re on track to be your own boss given everything you’re doing to work towards that end. You’ll be fully prepared to work on your own. I frown upon the advice of just push through it but in this case, since you actually like what you do and seem to have so many other things going for you professionally, hold on for a little while longer.

Counseling doesn’t help because I don’t know why.

You’re working 300 a month

[–] Wolfman86@hexbear.net 11 points 2 weeks ago (1 children)

75 hours out of 168 a week…That’s crazy init? I wouldn’t have thought that was allowed.

[–] Feinsteins_Ghost@hexbear.net 11 points 2 weeks ago (4 children)

Toxic masculinity being what it is, I get shit from some of the younger guys (I’m 46) about how if I can’t hack it I should go be a janitor at a school. If you can believe that.

[–] InternetLefty@hexbear.net 7 points 2 weeks ago (1 children)

Sounds like years of ass breaking labor 7 days a week has predictably turned them into bitter people!

[–] the_post_of_tom_joad@hexbear.net 4 points 2 weeks ago* (last edited 2 weeks ago)

Those guys never change their attitudes either, you'll find em gripe-braggin how much overtime they pull and how they youngins' don't hustle while limping their broken bodies around every job site.

[–] context@hexbear.net 6 points 2 weeks ago

age discrimination laws exist for a reason. it sounds like more than anything else you're overworked and burned out. i've been there and honestly it sounds like you have more to deal with than i ever did. i don't know that i have anything helpful to say other than i hope you get through this.

[–] the_post_of_tom_joad@hexbear.net 4 points 2 weeks ago* (last edited 2 weeks ago)

I'd totally be a janitor at a school.

I want to get to know the crevices and warts of old buildings. I wanna work alone, get high and listen to metal while mopping. I want a weird haircut and have the kids make fun in whispers but be a little wary of me. I want to have a tinkering project going in my basement office at all times.

[–] Wolfman86@hexbear.net 3 points 2 weeks ago

At 75 hours a week you have every right to complain. If idiots want to work themselves to death that’s on them.

[–] Feinsteins_Ghost@hexbear.net 5 points 2 weeks ago

Than you for the kind words. My head is a mess right now. I appreciate it.

[–] Wolfman86@hexbear.net 6 points 2 weeks ago (1 children)

This sounds really shit at the minute, but if you’re a year from working for your self (Setting your own hours, not answering the phone if you don’t want…) surely this is going to get better?

Otherwise, look at other roles.

[–] Feinsteins_Ghost@hexbear.net 9 points 2 weeks ago (2 children)

I am looking at other roles, getting back into commercial new construction. The city I live in now has an opening for plumbing/mechanical inspection, and Ive got an application in there. Both of those have well defined start/stop times, job roles, etc. The pay is about the same.

Problem is, I have cancer and a couple other health problems. I cannot have a 3 month lapse in medications. I’m not sure I’ll survive three months sans insurance. My insurance also makes the meds ‘affordable’. I’m saving some money, but I’m nowhere near ready to pay out of pocket yet.

Work is likely the bulk of why I feel the way I do currently, but even then it’s some of my personal life. I have never felt more disconnected from my fellow humans. Thinking back recently - I don’t hold doors for people any more. I don’t say thank you to strangers. I don’t look people in the eye any more. I’ve quit helping neighbors. I have withdrawn as much as I can without it affecting my ability to pay bills and keep the roof over my children’s heads. I no longer recognize myself.

Something is wrong and I’m too stupid to see what it is so I can fix it and I’m desperate to change it.

I don’t even know where I am going with this, or even why I’m doing this. I am essentially a stranger to everyone here. I am sorry for this.

[–] Wolfman86@hexbear.net 9 points 2 weeks ago (1 children)

You’ve no reason to apologise mate. I’m sorry I can’t offer more help.

But I think that the reason you’re feeling like this is cause of how much you’re working, guilt of how little you’re seeing your children (You’re providing for them and legitimately doing what you can, so you shouldn’t feel guilt. You aren’t one of those dads who sees his children when he can be arsed.), and your illness. How is your cancer treatment going and how far through the process are you?

[–] Feinsteins_Ghost@hexbear.net 8 points 2 weeks ago (1 children)

This is my fourth bout with skin cancer. Two basal, one squamous, but this one is Merkels cell sarcoma. It’s localized to my shoulder. I just recently had the punch biopsy, and MOHS surgery to remove it. Right now I’m not on anything exotic yet, but I may end up having the lymph nodes in my neck dissected. That’ll be coming up in the next few weeks. I think it was caught early (it was found on a three month checkup from just having basal cell removed from my cheek/nose) enough that I’ll survive, but merkel cell is fucking aggressive once it take hold. That’s not to mention the dysplasia/Barretts esophagus issues I have. That one is gonna be the one that kills me when it goes tits up.

Good news is I blew thru my out of pocket, out of pocket max, and out of network deductibles about six months ago so most of the visits are fully covered, 90% of my meds are covered fully. My employer offers UHC, so hopefully Brian having his chest turned into a canoe will give me some unexpected benefits.

[–] Wolfman86@hexbear.net 5 points 2 weeks ago (1 children)

Is there someone you know that you can talk about all this to in person? That would surely help.

[–] Feinsteins_Ghost@hexbear.net 5 points 2 weeks ago (1 children)

My sister gets off work in a couple hours and she has asked me to come over when she does so we can talk a while. I really do need to give a voice to this stuff I think.

[–] Wolfman86@hexbear.net 3 points 2 weeks ago

You really do. I hope you work something out.

[–] PM_ME_YOUR_FOUCAULTS@hexbear.net 7 points 2 weeks ago

You're in survival mode. Do what you have to do for yourself and your family and for God's sake forgive yourself for failing to live up to whatever standards you've set for yourself

[–] the_post_of_tom_joad@hexbear.net 9 points 2 weeks ago* (last edited 2 weeks ago)

I've seen you and think you're cool. Dun remember why but i trust my judgement. Therefore ipso facto you are wrong, i will miss you.

Some of what you're feeling is definitely colored by your exhaustion. I don't care if it's frowned upon, if you can afford to take more days off going forward then you must. Is this possible? .

I am on the same path, (oh no, makin it bout me) though i actually was suicidal. These recent days are maybe the first in... 5 years(?) where i haven't thought about my special pill bottle at least once a day. Wtf, like i really turned a corner, found a tiny clearing, whatever chuckycheese-ass affirmations phrase you want. it's real. It's real! Even though i never once had faith I'd get here. Fucking never lol. Still kinna surprised if that's not clear.

So take care brother, listen to yourself and your family and i'll see you when you come back.

[–] miz@hexbear.net 8 points 2 weeks ago* (last edited 2 weeks ago)

I always found you likable, and you were a great sport about my esophagus joke

[–] SorosFootSoldier@hexbear.net 6 points 2 weeks ago* (last edited 2 weeks ago)

I appreciate our back and forths via DMs and the solidarity you showed me when Wolfie passed and giving me mutual aid. I do not want to see you go. I wish there was something I could do with your work situation because that sounds so frustrating (and frankly illegal?). Please don't go and please consider sticking around, you make hexbear a better place. Sorry this sucks, I'm no good at begging people.

[–] HumanBehaviorByBjork@hexbear.net 5 points 2 weeks ago

I don't think you're an unlikeable person. But I think online communities like this can act as a bandaid over the wound of alienation.

[–] plinky@hexbear.net 4 points 2 weeks ago

meow-hug take care comrade

[–] InternetLefty@hexbear.net 3 points 2 weeks ago

I find as I get older that I spend so much time groping for a reason to explain why I am feeling the way I feel when 95% of the time I am just tired, hungry, sick, or some combination of the 3. You're going to be okay, and you can probably feel better by managing your time more, going to therapy, going vegan vegan-tofu , etc, but the biggest thing is that you need to figure out a way to work less. Have at least one full day off a week and see how that makes you feel. It may be hard but shit, you only have one life to live, and you can't spend it grinding yourself into dust. Good luck meow-hug

[–] corgiwithalaptop@hexbear.net 3 points 2 weeks ago

I'll miss you comrade! cuddle

If you see this, please be well <3

[–] infuziSporg@hexbear.net 2 points 2 weeks ago

I really like you. If you lived [redacted] miles north and [redacted] miles east, I think we'd be good friends in-person.

I've done 70-hour-a-week work commitments with no days off for a month before. It really messes with your brain; I had a really emotionally/spiritually dark time of my life when I was doing those. Maybe the only people who can put up with it are the CEOs and grifters who count their corporate lunch and their time on social media as part of their work. Maybe even those people come pre-hollowed.

Wishing nothing but good things in life for you, beloved informative compassionate plumber dad.