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Imagine being afraid of the ‘friend zone’
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this post was submitted on 31 Aug 2023
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chapotraphouse
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Yes it is a real concern. And honestly, I think leftists are terrible at giving dating advice, especially when it comes to men. There are some considerate leftists that actually give concrete advice (like start exercising, find clothes that fit better, maybe trim the beard so it looks nice, get a good haircut or shave it completely if balding, try to look people in the eye instead of looking down all the time, learn small talk, learn banter, learn how to express romantic interest, find that difference between confident and creepy and know when you've crossed it, etc.) Most of the "advice" I see is just "don't be a r!pist!" and "don't harass women!" Like bro that's obvious, but to the guy that's constantly getting rejected, especially when apps like Tinder make it so the a few super good looking guys pretty much clean house (and this dynamic absolutely spills over into offline interactions), there needs to be better advice.
When this advice is lacking, or people dismiss these young men because "there are so many other problems why would I care about MEN!", this can lead to alienated young men finding their way into reactionary spaces. In this case a little prevention is worth ten tons of cure.
And lastly, I'll say this, it's completely disingenuous to remain "friends" with someone after you've been friendzoned if you initially had romantic feelings for them and those romantic feelings still persist. Unless your feelings magically also changed to platonic ones, then there's a relational imbalance that will always linger. It's better to just say "hey I like you in a more romantic way and even though you want to be friends, perhaps it's better that we don't hang out."
This kind of pre-emptive antagonism between people in the dating pool only makes it gradually more antagonistic over time.
It's already rare enough for cishet men to have nonromantic friendships with cishet women; making it more antagonistic over time by normalizing fear and anger about "friendzoning" only makes that a little worse for everyone as time goes on.
I expanded on what I meant in the rest of the sentence (since you only quoted part of it and not the whole).
Yeah I agree that the fear and anger shouldn't be normalized, but we should also normalize being open about our feelings and not suppressing them and remaining "friends" while still holding hope that it will become something more (which I also think can be super dangerous). I expanded on that in a reply to someone else if you wanna see it.
No arguments from me here.
This is still possible, and I have done it, no scare quotes needed.
Now this is the toxic part that fucks it all up and makes the friendship impossible if it's held that way.
It really is possible to be attracted to someone and accept that the other person isn't attracted back and still be nonromantic friends. I have done it, and I still have those friendships many years later.
So I think that there needs to be more advice on how to do this, as I've rarely encountered someone who's successfully navigated it as you have. Maybe a separate post on how to do it? But anyways, should people want to pursue that option, I think it's something that the individual needs to assess based on the strength of their feelings. If they are not emotionally ready for this kind of change (and from what I've seen a lot, maybe most, cis-straight men aren't), then I think not seeing the person anymore might be the better option. Otherwise if they really want to try to make a friendship work (and actually try to be friends and not try to "get in" later) then I guess your advice would be helpful.
There's an entire field of therapy and self-help that covers this, called radical acceptance. It isn't something that can instantly be picked up as much as something that is practiced and improved upon. Accepting the reality that the other person is not romantically/sexually interested and accepting that one's own romantic/sexual tensions will not be fulfilled to that person leads to a release of tension and the growth and flourishing of other positive emotional experiences that can then happen with that person. They won't become romantic/sexual, and by that point, it won't matter to you.
There's entire libraries worth of books on the subject, and I assume a browse of the highest rated ones is a place to start. Therapists also offer basic training courses for how to observe one's lived reality in the moment, how the body feels, how the mind feels, being instead of doing so to speak.
If it is too much for someone to be friends with someone after a romantic/sexual offer is turned down, so be it, but being honest and forward about how that feels is the best thing to do no matter what happens next. The worst choice is to try to remain "friends" while hoping for some kind of romantic/sex opportunity later.