this post was submitted on 18 Sep 2024
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You're getting a lot of "You do you, bestie!" in the responses and I'd like to gently push back on that. As someone who shared with them the false liberal thought that "there's no ethics of cognition/feeling," I have since come to learn that there is and it can be kind of important for your mental health to recognize that, depending on what challenges you experience to begin with. Some cognitive patterns can have a negative impact on you inherently (negative self-talk is a classic example), some can more directly get in the way of doing positive things (read any testimonial about porn addiction), and some will make you more prone to harm others (pedophilia, for example). Counterproductive thought patterns can catch people by surprise at various points in their life, but they shouldn't shrug and say "You do you, bestie!" and then indulge in those patterns.
That said, I think you're fine, this sort of thing wears itself out in a matter of days normally and, if it hasn't, you should probably seek more serious advice. In the meantime, rather than beat yourself up for having a crush (beating yourself up is another negative pattern), it would be much better to simply try to redirect your thoughts to something else. If you are incapable of refocusing after you've had the moment of lucidity needed to realize you should refocus, then that's another sign that it's a more serious issue. That said, there is probably nothing serious about it.
I agree about shame and you'll notice I mentioned something to that effect (beating yourself up). I think the line between "problematic" and "unhealthy" is a bit hazy, since problematic thoughts tend to be anti-social and anti-sociality is unhealthy.
Understood
still doing it regularly
A lot of people do. I'm not trying to make a condemnation, it's just something to work on. Like with the OP thing, since I'm no therapist, the main suggestion I can offer is "Try to focus on other things". If you fuck something up, don't waste time kicking yourself, think of how to fix it!
It's less about fucking up and more just about being highly uncomfortable with things that are inherent, innate, and immutable aspects of my existence.
Taking your account at face value, usually there is a reason that we hate or are uncomfortable with things. Assuming they are truly immutable qualities, it's probable that something conditioned your reaction to them and near-certain that it can be conditioned differently. Reality is dialectical, things change whether we want them to or not, so we may as well make use of the fact that we ourselves change as organisms and as people over the course of that dialectic.
It's in the form of internalized bigotry usually.
I harbor a lot of self-hatred over my race, my queerness (especially my transness), and my neurodivergence.
I have developed a strong tendency to refer to myself with very disparaging terms as a result of this self-hatred.
I'm too "abnormal" to feel like I do not deserve to be hated. There aren't enough people I relate to for me to have a frame of reference of how people like me are supposed to be treated.
For this reason, I see myself as an exception who may be a person that actually deserves hate both from others and from myself.
I think if you recognize it as internalized bigotry, that's a positive indication that your relationship with those feelings can change. I think one way to look at it is that we, as communists and as people who want a kinder, more equitable world, believe that people being different doesn't make them any less valuable as humans. Surely, if you met someone with some bizarre deformity that you've never seen before, your reaction would not be "there is no place for this person, we are not like them," you would seek to engage with them as human beings because that's the one really important commonality. Am I mistaken?
I know, at the very least, what to call it, but I don't think I can say for sure that my feelings can change.
The funny thing is that I don't look down on any other person or even sentient non-humans. I think they all deserve respect, but I place myself below all others in the grand scheme of moral consideration. I often feel like a monster, a threat, and a detriment, but I try not to be.
I want to make others happy, but I don't know if I deserve to even do that.