I ate the onion here, just for a moment.
this post was submitted on 04 Sep 2024
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The problem with Dementia Donnie is that this kind of rant is plausible. You didn't eat the onion, the onion is becoming a real news journal.
Exactly. I can't trust anymore oniony sites to be satire because we're at that point in reality.
Same. The problem is all manor of oniony posts sound like a “normal” Trump Tuesday.
Fucking same, had to actually check.
They're getting too close to reality, I had to check the source
Same. But there actually are movements to get rid of sugary drink vending machines. It has been done in some places, thought he could be referring to that.
They removed sodas from our school vending machines and replaced them with yoohoo and other non-carbonated drinks with the same sugar. Carbonation is not the problem! Now they've put sodas back, but only diet ones, so I'm not sure that's better.
Too early to say for sure, but artificial sweeteners might be bad for kids.
Their bodies are still calibrating on how sweetness translates to calories.
Diet sodas are very sweet but provide no calories.
So their bodies might take it as a general rule either that very sweet things are safe to consume in excess, or that their expected intake always falls short of their actual intake so they should overeat across the board.
Again, it’s too early to say for sure, but there are enough plausible concerns that I wouldn’t automatically assume it’s fine.
Is this really satire if it's indistinguishable from regular news?
I just recall having a soda vending machine in highschool and being told students weren't allowed to use it. This was placed in the lunch room next to where we all sat, not a teacher's lounge.
We had a designated smoking area if you were 18 though.
How long ago was this? 18 year olds smoking must've been 50+ years ago
Was the 90s, before the nationwide ban on smoking in public places and restaurants. Which I think happen very shortly after I graduated... I recall a protest about allowing smoking on campus at college.
Anyhow the highschool I went to wasn't exactly with it. Basically was in the boonies and under the radar of national regulations. I kind of feel like they just let the seniors use the space to avoid conflicts with the aggressively redneck families that populated the area. Same went for all the lifted trucks waving confederate flags, no one was about to start that fight.
Somehow, I also forgot those existed. They were everywhere in the 90s.
Sobe vending machines please and I'll vote for you, SIR!
The flavor name "lizard fuel" always amused me for some reason.
Haha Their branding was somehow so effective.
I definitely had that lizard energy when I would drink those as a teen sitting around my room g*ming for endless hours without movement. I would drink the carrot one, I thought it would help balance the damage I was causing to my eyes from so much screentime, only found out years later that was British propaganda. My eyesight sucks now.
I definitely had that lizard energy when I would drink those as a teen sitting around my room g*ming for endless hours without movement. I would drink the carrot one, I thought it would help balance the damage I was causing to my eyes from so much screentime, only found out years later that was British propaganda. My eyesight sucks now.
Oh that takes me back, I did the exact same thing with that exact same flavor. 
Carrot Comrade. 
Only if they are in the original glass bottles.
Naturally! They had cans? Haha
They switched to plastic. 
Oh, some protein. I don't remember those.
Wow, that brings back memories. Discontinued in 2003? I guess we were among the last classes to enjoy its sugary goodness at lunch.
Finally, he floats a policy I can get behind! Add dunkaroos and Sobe and I'm in.
They rebooted dunkaroos, and you can get them on Amazon. Prepare to be disappointed tho. The cookies were not as good, and more importantly not shaped like kangaroos. I'm also guessing OG dunkaroos had a bunch of hydrogenated oil or something in the dip bc the frosting sucked too compared to what I remember. I've thought about getting the chocolate one, but I don't want to be let down again.
Dunkaroos Vanilla Cookies and Vanilla Frosting with Rainbow Sprinkles, 6 ct https://a.co/d/dRh98tf
We had a Snapple machine
With that emulsifier that was just banned in Mountain Dew and other fruit drinks I find it hard to believe Fruitopia will ever come back. My first temp job ever, way back in the late 90's, was literally shaking bottles of Fruitopia to make them look homogeneous.
Gotta have your daily nutritional amount of bromine!
Honey mustard chicken with bacon and a fruitopia from Quiznos is my nostalgia 90's meal
Fruitopia
Orangina
Next up, opposing candidate promises personal pony identification system for all citizens.
Bring back OK Soda or there's nothing to discuss.
Whatever happened to Allsport?
That stuff was my jam for wrestling team hydration