Fuck phones. What overpriced POS should i get as replacement?

She is beautiful and i love her.

cross-posted from: https://hexbear.net/post/431481

I recently inherited a chicken coop & small flock from a friend that had to give them up. They've got a big-ass yard to forage in with lots of grass, tree cover, and all the pumpkin plants they can destroy because i wasnt planning on having chickens when i planted them. Still learning birdcare, but half of them have learned to love headpets and are as fat & happy as I can keep them.

However they've also attracted rat snakes & racer snakes to the coop. None of the snakes in my area are big enough to eat a full grown chicken, but it's stressing the chickens out and they keep trying to eat the eggs.

I dont wanna hurt any of the snakes, they're adorable and dopey, but im grabbing a 4 foot frightened snake out of the coop everynight. I keep sealing up new gaps and they keep showing me new ones. Its getting kinda old & I'm starting to wonder if its a different snake every night or just a few really persistent lil guys.

Is there a way to get them to fuck off? And how do biologists tag snakes? Is there like, a little thing i can clip into a scale or is it safe to hit them with a dab of paint or something? Cause if its just the same 2 dumbasses i keep greeting everynight i can just drive them to a nearby lake what i imagine snake heaven would be.

I recently inherited a chicken coop & small flock from a friend that had to give them up. They've got a big-ass yard to forage in with lots of grass, tree cover, and all the pumpkin plants they can destroy because i wasnt planning on having chickens when i planted them. Still learning birdcare, but half of them have learned to love headpets and are as fat & happy as I can keep them.

However they've also attracted rat snakes & racer snakes to the coop. None of the snakes in my area are big enough to eat a full grown chicken, but it's stressing the chickens out and they keep trying to eat the eggs.

I dont wanna hurt any of the snakes, they're adorable and dopey, but im grabbing a 4 foot frightened snake out of the coop everynight. I keep sealing up new gaps and they keep showing me new ones. Its getting kinda old & I'm starting to wonder if its a different snake every night or just a few really persistent lil guys.

Is there a way to get them to fuck off? And how do biologists tag snakes? Is there like, a little thing i can clip into a scale or is it safe to hit them with a dab of paint or something? Cause if its just the same 2 dumbasses i keep greeting everynight i can just drive them to a nearby lake what i imagine snake heaven would be.

Surely someone beat me to this

No, Phallussy

lmao tiddy birds

Look at those fat Canadian dipshits, just waddling around, scaring children & shitting on the sidewalk. Truly admirable work, but they should still be available for public consumption. 1 in 6 Americans are facing food insecurity and food deserts and these sky deer are running around parking lots like they don't have predators to worry about. Because they dont.

I understand we cant just let every stupid fuck with a gun go wild at your local sump pond; Which I why I propose installation of WiFi enabled public goose traps near all drainage ditches & retention pools. This way you don't wait to wait all day in a hunting blind outside Walgreens, but can simply check your Güser™️ app for the closest available bird. The trap will release the bird for you as soon as you swipe your local library card into the reader, promoting literacy, allowing the homeless to have first dibs, and making sure your town is only sourcing local ducks, preventing goose runs & hording.

"But Zoift" I hear to object, "I dont want to eat geese that are full of my local landfill's runoff."

First off, fuck you, microplastics build strong glands. Second, just catch one & grain feed it for a week to flush out the gut and you're looking at some primo bird. After simmering them for stock, the bones can be returned to the source, ensuring a steady flow of calcium back to the environment for future egg production & to help the secondary possum industry.

This is completely unironic, i want to eat those geese and i don't understand why nobody else has yet.