The game's story:
"Hmmm...well, I have to hand it to them. This time they've managed to come up with a decent storyline that doesn't involve the usual golden bananas. Only joking kids! This one's worse than all the previous efforts put together! I know you probably aren't expecting a best seller, but wait til' you hear this load of rubbish..."
The pause menu/status screen:
"I knew they'd have to have something like this. The Kongs will be so weighed down with all the garbage they have to collect, I can't see them getting past the second level. You can view all this silly nonsense and some other stuff I don't understand by pressing START during your game."
Multiplayer:
"It's true, I'm afraid. They've gone and included one of those awful multiplayer modes that seem to be all the fashion these days. This means you and some other whippersnappers can huddle round your flickering screen and play a few games that I reckon were thrown in at the last minute and will be average at best."
The Nintendo 64 controller:
"Arrgh! What is that thing? There are too many buttons... and this wobbly stick-thing feels like it's broken! I can't believe players use this silly controller contraption to play games!"
Under header "Cranky's Tips":
"Tough luck kid. I've been told to keep my mouth shut, as they want to keep all the good stuff for a money-making strategy guide. I'm sure some of it will appear on that newfangled "internet" thing as well, so I suggest you take a look-see there. You could also ask your friends, assuming of course you've got any. If all else fails, you'll just have to play better."
His role in the game (He gives you new abilities):
"Now don't you go asking me for a potion of gameplay, as even my genius can't rescue this game from it's rightful destiny in the bargain bin."
Funky Kong's role:
"Lazy, rude and loud he may be, but Funky the monkey stocks the necessary firepower you're gonna need to blast your way through the collection of mediocrity known as the levels."
"Funky stocks the following shooters, all of which can hopefully be upgraded, if you can get that far into the game without falling asleep."
Golden Bananas, the main collectable:
"If you find more than ten, I'll be surprised." (There's 201 in the game.)
Animal Crates (Which allow you to play as different animals):
"I just hope they've included poor old Winky and Expresso this time instead of that bone-brained rhino that always seems to get in the games." (Winky and Expresso are, in fact, not in the game while Rambi the rhino is.)
Bananaport Pads (Which teleport you around):
Let me know if you find a bananaport that can take me out of this sorry game, and I'll be there in a flash."
Switches:
"The best switch is the one on top of your N64..."
Tag Barrels (Which allow you to switch characters):
"Players less skilled than myself (i.e., all of you) will also be relieved to find that your energy is replenished during a visit to these barrels, too."
Deep in the manual:
"Sheesh, you must be a real lame player if you're still reading this booklet. You obviously need all the help you can get!"
She a woman, nonwhite and criticized video games.
That's literally all it took.