Since you're venting, I'm venting, just hoping it comes off less rude and more idk relatable I suppose?

It's been about the same for me as well. Been thinking about yeeting myself into traffic or anything similar. Like I have a partner, but we've got lots of issues and been having a lot of resentment towards them especially since they never actually respected the fact I wanted an open relationship and to explore my sexuality, and to add to that we don't really fuck as often as I would like[this has been on the decline even before the bombshell further up] , and he hardly tops anymore it's usually side or ride if we do...That's one of the biggest gripes I've been having right now and now what meager looks I have had, have dried up for now until I get finances in order, go out in the sun more, and take more vitamins. Additionally if I wanted to have the touch of a woman,I feel like I've got to complete a whole checklist first ( don't be a creep or too overtly sexual[x] I'm not interesting[x], funemployed[x], I'll yap too much about politics [depends I guess but usually not the best idea, x], not as handsome as I once was[x], I'm 5'10" so that's ok I guess heights never really been an issue so there's one checkmark[✓], peen is pretty dece but isn't crazy huge so there's another checkmark [I guess?✓], weak af because of poor diet and not working out[x], 3 broke ass teeth[x], $0[x] [there's definitely more that I'll think of later I'm sure, but fact remains, I ain't shit and never gonna be shit]) IDK it's a little incelious thinking but I definitely feel far far far from desirable to anyone right now but especially women. And idk it's a bummer. At least instead of ending it I'd embark on a trip from Florida back to my home state of Massachusetts just to not fucking roast 3/4 of the year. Wouldn't really care if I made it at that point but I'd try a little. Atleast using a bike it'd only take 6 days but considering I'd have to rest, I want to assume 10-12 days. Tbf idk what I'm doing here still either, I should've found a hole to crawl in and die back in 2020. But here I am. Being a nuisance to gamers and making em rage, doom scrolling, and hoping against hope my partner gets sick of me so I can figure out myself instead of basically putting myself in a box whenever I'm around him and policing what I say so I don't hurt any fee fees and sometimes it really really makes me want to scream, especially when it seems like he's trying to shut me down (and it usually feels like I'm being monitored at all times, so much so that I'm writing this as he sleeps, like idk if it's a me thing being avoidant ). Have a pretty strong feeling I have BPD and he's a narcissist and we may both be somewhere on the spectrum. But can't really know that for sure without a proper diagnosis, but no $$$. (Nuke incoming... to preface it, Ive been wanting to be single and have told him I want us to go our separate ways for about a month, month and a half) Like I think it was about two weeks ago we got into an argument and all the fuck shit he's done kinda flooded back into my consciousness and I began acting like a dick, I realized I was being a dick, so to not escalate the situation further I just stfu and he wanted me to speak, and to urge me to, he started shoving me around my room into my desk chair. Eventually it got to the point he put me into a full nelson, I tried maneuvering in such a way to get him to release me with no dice. But I was still holding on to a small glass and so after falling from the bed with an extra 290ish lbs [I'm about 180lbs] on my back onto my shitty concrete floor, I again maneuvered myself in such a way that I was facing the ceiling, I asked to be let go, and once I was ignored, I banged the glass against his elbow until it shattered and slightly cut my hand, waited and asked once again to be let go and once I was ignored again, I stabbed him in the elbow. He threatened to call the popo and I dipped with nothing but what I dressed myself with before I left and later secured a bug out bag at a Walmart and attempted to perform a Death March, basically covering that same distance, about 1500mi, but somebody at the library told me I should go back and have the LL kick him out and honestly, I shouldn't have listened. I didn't need the things I left behind and because a) I haven't paid my rent [because of mold and general LL BS] b) my partner isn't really welcome here[ mainly because he has a habit of pulling my strings to just turn me rabid...] c) I was sweet talked by my [situationship] partner and I felt a little guilty about how things transpired and d)LL is trying to sell the house and there's no written lease and as a result of everything my move out date is the 25th as of now. [I may or not sue but IDK all of what I need to know and.... It just feels like a whole shit show. ]And because it's so close I'm doubtful I'll be able to find a place and or transport my things to a storage unit... I just should've never fucked around with him way back in 2021 and never ever let him back into my life when I had had enough the first time around. So yeah... Tbf to myself the only real way I could've avoided him completely would've been to move out of state since he had stalked me using different numbers and on Grindr after our last breakup, he says he wasn't stalking me since he could've showed up to the job I last worked at or came in through my backyard since he had a gatekey, but y'know cyber stalking is still stalking... It's been feeling like limbo for awhile. If he could be a workout partner it'd be slightly different/tolerable (probably not though) but he has a bad back he refuses to get surgery to fix and because of that he'll keep making the injury worse and worse, add to that he has asthma whenever he exerts himself physically. Which isn't really a bad thing but I could be all but bedridden for months and then I can get tf out of bed and walk 20 miles on a whim with just a nasty sunburn and feet blisters as a consequence. So it just feels like we're just at two different levels. And I want someone to match it or barely outclass me when it comes to fitness to build both of us up. I know that's kinda hard to ask for in a bear sometimes but idk man. It's frustrating. Mums been dying and did get surgery for melanoma (I think... or she's still being scheduled... I really should spend a good 3hrs talking with her) but I've been kinda ignoring her which I know is terrible, but he doesn't want me talking about what went down (which if I know my mum she'll commend me about it or say something along the lines of the apple not falling far from the tree) and I'm sure she'll be saddened by the fact I'm still around him and I don't want to deal with all of it right now. It's just been feeling like I'm in between a rock a hard place and it's been overwhelming and as a result I've been as much of a potato as my absent fathers irish blood will allow. I just never feel like I make the right choice ever and it sucks so much ass. But again here I am. Still breathing as fucked as the situation is. Again I can't express enough how enticing free rent and The Forever Nap ™©® would be right now. But still I get up and do what little I must to stay alive. I think it has to do with wanting to see America on fire from it's injustices it's committed and partly due to wanting a fascist pull the trigger themselves, having to work for that kill. Even more than that though, I feel as though I still owe recompense to a few people and need to do some kind of good in the world. Being as privileged as I am, being from a first world country it'd also feel selfish (to me). So the only capacity in which I would do such a thing would be some revolutionary sacrifice(or some sappy bs like that, but in Terraria).

So it's really just up to you and how you feel. I can't say to do or not do what you feel like doing. It's not my call because I don't know how bad life is hurting you right now. But there are plenty of comrades here ready to listen and help as much as they can, whether through kind words, encouragement, or mutual aid. When first writing this I already saw a few already very kind posts about what you're going through and hope it's been enough for you to reevaluate your feelings. And hey if you do decide on The Forever Nap ™©® there's no shame in it, we do however need as many hands as possible if we're to see revolution through in our lifetime, even as ineffectual it may feel at times while living in the 7th circle of capitalist hell. I hope as much as everyone here you decide to stick it out for as long as you can tolerate though. I'm not sure how you nor the rest of the comrades will feel about my own take and or shittily lived life but really do hope me venting about the shit I've been dealing with helps in some capacity and offers more perspective for you.

Much love and hope you feel better soon.