You're being extremely hard on yourself here; I say so because I struggle with the same thoughts and the same issues. Have you considered that you might have some mental health issues going on that could use therapy or treatment? Or that you might be neurodivergent? I'm autistic with bipolar disorder, and perhaps adhd. I believe that if it was a moral failing on your part. You wouldn't actually be so disturbed by the difficulty you have in applying yourself. People who don't care, just don't care imo.

I have an extremely hard time due to these things. My executive functioning is pretty fucked. Motivation is something I just don't possess, to the point of not even being able to leave the house even if it's to do things I normally like to do. I'll stand up to get ready to do it, and sit right back down, it's a constant fight. It's also extremely hard to keep routines, and some regular hygiene stuff has become extremely taxing or hard to remember. Doesn't help that we are living in a hellscape, that just exacerbates things.

I'm in a period of pretty severe burnout, and it fucking sucks. But I think since I recognized that I do suffer from cognitive difficulties that other people don't, it's helped me to be a little bit kinder to myself. When I'm kinder to myself, I beat myself up less and I think that helps me to do more than I would otherwise.

As most others said, this is definitely clinical depression.

I've experienced extremely similar things, and am just now coming out of it (and it may be too early to declare victory). I see you've been getting help and it is ineffective. That is pretty common, sadly. Psychology is still in the dark ages.

I don't have any perfect silver bullets for you. What I will say is that you are NOT broken, you're not undisciplined, you're not a piece of shit. We love you, and you're worthwhile.

It can start off very small. Literally just get out of bed for the day and shower. If that's all you can do, so be it. The notion that it's all or nothing, fail or success, is not true when it comes to mental health. Brushing your teeth for 30 seconds once a day is far better than not at all. Rinsing off in the shower is miles better than not even attempting. 10 push ups is a step toward truly working out.

These are all very small things, intentionally. You literally cannot just pull yourself out of it in one swoop. It's not possible for people like us (or anyone in this situation), and so you shouldn't be down on yourself because of it or expect to be able to.

This was really ranty and probably all shit you've heard before and I apologize for that. These things might not even work for you. I just want you to know that if you keep trying, it will pass. Change is constant - dialectics! You've got it, my friend. It may not be soon, but it will get better. And those better days are worth living for.

I can very much relate. It was like this constant depression that felt endless even though there were short breaks of feeling okay. I felt alien and very different to “normal” functioning people and basically lived exactly how you described.

Eventually I stumbled upon someone talking about CPTSD or complex post traumatic stress disorder, it’s basically like ptsd but caused by chronic repeated traumatic events. A lightbulb went off as I learned more about it and I realized that I was in deep denial about being abused and neglected as a kid. I basically internalized what I was told growing up about being lazy, ungrateful, ect. There was also a lot of physical abuse for disappointing my parents so I became obsessed with all the ways I wasn’t good enough. In a fucked up way it kept me safe as a powerless kid. Criticizing myself viscously allowed me to get ahead of what my dangerous parents wanted and put energy into heading it off before things blew up. It was a survival mechanism that was killing me in adulthood.

Obviously I don’t know if you have similar experiences but the way you talk about yourself rings a bell for me, and as lame as it sounds learning to care about and love myself somewhat has been the only way I’ve made any progress towards being happier. When you start to have empathy for yourself you start to want to do all those things to take care of yourself.

All that being said even if you don’t relate to this at all therapy or some kind of mental health assistance is probably the way. Also sorry if this makes you uncomfortable or comes off as armchair diagnosis but I’m passionate about it because I wish the info was available to me before I spent my twenties in self hatred. As it turns out most people are not this hard on themselves and I had no clue. Wishing you well ❤️

The feelings you described are pretty much a textbook definition of depression. I would strongly suggest seeing a psychiatrist and basically showing them this post. Not only because there are many options of effective medication that exist today, but also because depression is often comorbid with other mental conditions.

The longer you exist in this state, the harder it becomes to come out of it on your own. Mental health professionals exist specifically to help and guide you through it.

You're describing clinical depression. Seek medical assistance.

Executive disfunction is a nightmare, what you are saying here almost describes me to a tee too.

I'm not gonna say you have X or Y, but you definitely need to seek mental health evaluation. I know it is probably tough even thinking of doing that, I only managed to after years of being afraid of doing it.

And please don't be so though on yourself, it's easy to take blame for everything, if you really were a coward you wouldn't make this post. You clearly care about this and want to change, and that shows strength and a will to turn your life around.

I don't think forcing yourself to change is gonna do you good, instead take it slow.

Something that is really helping me over the years is realizing that much of the reason I have these issues is because of something outside of my control, even when something doesn't look like it is that. Also being kinder to myself, instead of thinking I'm dumb or a idiot for doing or not doing something and beating myself over it, I try to accept it and realize this stuff happens, telling myself it's gonna be ok and I try to take it easy. It is really slowly changing my self image, but it is a change nonetheless.

It's not a linear progression tho and there are gonna be times when it gets tough, but it is possible to get better, I believe in you, comrade.

For me, when I start working out, it improves me and my live in multiple ways. Apart from the obvious health benefits:

• it makes me want to eat well
• it forces me to take hygiene seriously, because you don't wanna be unwashed after having worked out
• it encourages me to have a good routine because I work out early in the morning
• it helps me quit smoking and drinking because it gets in the way of gaining muscle
• working out helps improve mental health because of some neurotransmitter/hormone/science bullshit

If you are in a rut you should think about getting into some kind of exercise routine. Simplest one is joining a gym and maybe getting a personal trainer if you can afford one. You can do other things too, like cycling or rock climbing so feel free to explore other options.

You will be useful to the revolution if you don't feel like shit. Your parents will also appreciate you looking after yourself. So I highly recommend it.

For the past two years I barely worked out because of a back injury. Now I have almost completed the rehab and worked out for four days straight and feeling really well. My body is sore from neck down (except the core). It feels great. I am not an expert. The weights I lift are very modest and I also work out alone (the exercising itself and deciding the workout plan) by myself. But if you are hesitant feel free to shoot questions my way. I will try my best to help.

Don't have much to add, and I don't want to sound like "just take a walk bro" but I was going through some similar stuff a while back, and what worked for me was the following. Obviously, medical help is always best.

First I carefully and deliberately dropped all the meds my leech of a shrink put me on based on a horrible misdiagnosis. Obviously don't do this without a lot of care and consideration, but it was an important bit of the journey because both being on chemicals and dropping them clearly affected my brain.

Then I spent a whole lot of time walking around in my city trying to understand it first hand. Y'know, finding spots where homeless people are safer, where to forage food, places where actual nature still exist and where it has either been destroyed or turned into those sterile settler grasslands. I'm not from around here, but I don't think people from car-heavy settler cities ever truly know their city on a deep level.

This helped both build some love for the region but also hatred for the impacts of the societal organisations. Parallel to that I researched a lot about how to safely and reliably kill myself (not as an immediate desire, bit for curiousity), and noticed it'd be incredibly expensive.

But honestly, the part that really helped along with all of that was the people. Due to neurospicyness I don't really enjoy friendships so this is not some mushy "love gives life purpspose" thing, but actively throwing myself at the problems of people around me really made life make some sense.

I guess since I already decided my life had no worth to myself, it can at least serve as a tool to help other people who actually enjoy living have some worthwhile ones. This obviously isn't the only or best way to this, but thought I should share.

Hope you find a way that works for you somehow.

As some other comrades have said I think executive dysfunction is something to look into. If you can get evaluated for ADHD I definitely would try to. I have struggled with extremely similar issues and Covid especially compounded that, but about a year ago I finally got my shit together and got an ADHD diagnosis and medication to treat it. I still have a long, long way to go to achieve the things I want to but I can firmly say I have accomplished more in the past year of my life than in the five previous to that.

Progress is going to be slow and incremental, sometimes nonexistent or outright in reverse but it can be done I think. Hopefully you can access some half decent resources where you are.

You might want to chat with a licensed therapist, if you have the option. If you're having difficulty with motivation and things don't make you happy like you feel they used to (plus the other things you said), you might have depression.

If so, things like exercise and diet can help a lot. But they may not always and talking to a pro can really help.

I empathise with so much of this.

Except: stop being hard on yourself for not meeting some threshold of usefulness to revolution. You're in burgerland. The fact that you have class consciousness is already a W. Maybe in alternate timelines there's versions of you with higher paying jobs, paying their mortgages or maybe even owning property and driving a car. I guarantee to you all those versions of you are libs, and if any of them have class consciousness they're either capitalists or they're in denial about it. Those other versions might look like they're individually winning, but they're contributing less to humanity winning than you are.

You're a commie in burgerland. You're no coward. The currents of capitalism are so strong that it takes more work for you to stand still than it does for libs to swim in the direction they think is 'forward'.

When this storm passes, consider doing some self-crit about this self-hate. There's a lot of good advice in this thread but you're the only one who truly understands your circumstances enough to know which advice is the best for you, and you're the only one who can choose to follow it.

Gonna add onto the clinical depression train but also suggest maybe get an ADHD eval

Don't get yourself down comrade, you're doing a ton of great work on lemmy, and while this isn't irl organizing, we do have the potential to change the public narrative in a positive way. If we even manage to convert even one liberal to communism, either through our technical labor or our communist agitation, then that is a victory we can be proud of.

I've also had to take a break from irl organizing, because I tend to take on way more work than I can handle, and know I'd be too overburdened and can't handle the extra work right now.

I can only conclude that I am this way because I always refuse to take personal responsibility.

I don't personally believe mindset is ever a real problem, the only problem is that we haven't yet formed habits to acheive what we want for ourselves. Habits are formed by repetition, not willpower.

I encourage you to write down 10 or so long term goals, put it on a piece of paper, and stick it on your wall. Then recheck that list periodically, to see how you're doing on it. Make sure it's things you actually want and like doing. If one of them is "learn to cook", pick out some things you've had at restaurants that you enjoy, and youtube recipe them. Shoot for making one meal you like a week from scratch.

Or if one is "get in good shape", then create a weekly workout regimen, there are tons of swole and fit comrades who can give pointers who've been doing this for years. My one was that I wanted first to be fit, then to have low body fat, then to have a strong upper body, then to get a six pack. Rather than shame or willpower my way through these goals, I slowly formed consistent habits, that I check off in my todo app.

If you want to read more, pick out some books you want to read, and start out with say 10 minutes a day, no internet, reading only. Once the habit forms, you can increase the time if you want to.

I recommend a todo app either like tasks.org, or loop habit tracker... something where you can set recurring habits, and feel satisfied when you check them off. Even for things like hygiene, they can really help you form habits.

You are not a coward comrade, you're just correctly seeing things you'd like to do to improve yourself, and are failing bc the willpower and shame method doesn't work.

I feel a bit like this but not nearly to this extreme. When I’m tired (which is basically every school day) I tend to only be able to do the easiest thing in front of me. If I have my phone I’ll keep scrolling or checking notifications, if I have a book I’ll keep reading. If you can find it within you to actually grab a book or even play an audiobook while you play a game the inertia will be more productive. You could try keeping your phone outside of the room and read when you go to bed. For another disciplined thing that doesn’t require movement, I suggest meditation. Obviously, this should be in conjunction with dealing with the underlying issues, but I hope it does some good.

This is 100% mental illness. You can't overcome it with ideology. I can't tell you if it's depression or ADHD or what but it's something, You gotta go get the professional help that you need, comrade.

Hi, I'm a student studying therapy. I just learned about this yesterday!

The emotion of discipline is "resolve". If you are having a problem learning how to be disciplined, or cultivating discipline in your life, you should figure out how to have resolve. Learn what it feels like.

Resolve comes from when you really want to do something. You feel excited and motivated to do it. In order to develop a discipline, you should find something you feel resolved towards and take a "snapshot" of that feeling. Remember it.

Every day, every morning, think about that feeling, and pick something small to apply that to. Try to intentionally do that for about a month. Develop discipline for something small. Then, as you get better at that, you can level up to more difficult things to have discipline with.

This is going to sound silly but it isn’t. Start working out. A lot. An insane amount. It won’t cure you but it will help a lot.

I see myself becoming this as well. I have some joint injuries/arthritis that put a stop to lifting and proper exercises for a while now I just lay around all the time. My job saps what little mental energy I have left. I barely get anything done. It sucks. There's a part of me that WANTS to not be this way but it's so fucking hard to get motivated. A year or two ago and I was doing so much and lately it's just... It's just gone.

I think, imo, you really just have to force yourself out of it. It's takes just putting all your will behind it. I have broken out before and will be better for a while but it's tough. K owing that it's a problem is at least the first step in ripping yourself out of the suck.

This is textbook depression ~~and I'd suggest talking to a therapist and trying to find an appropriate medication.~~ have you been open with the shrink about how you're doing?

I've been there and I'm still kind of there, but it gets better.

Short term, taking walks is a good idea

Not much to add but re-emphasizing the usual: small things add up. I know it's cliche but it's cliche for a reason: diet and exercise (again, tiny changes are realistic and attainable and sustainable) go a long way in the medium term.

See yourself not as a failure but as someone who has been caught in a self-fulfilling feedback loop. You have much greater potential than your current existence, you yourself have said how you were once more functional. If it took you years to get here, it might take a long time to build new habits. As long as you can maintain the will to change, cherish the small victories and don't give up when you have hiccups or speed bumps or back slides or even nose dives if they happen, as long as you keep trying, eventually your will will reach a critical mass, reverse the inertia, and you will slowly find yourself in a position you can be more proud of. Be patient with yourself, it is not antithetical to being firm or disciplined. Your desire for change shows you are already in a better frame of mind and will have better success than most.

Trust me, my life ate total shit in 2022-2023, I'm only barely starting to see the results of attempt and re-attempt and re-re-re-re-attempt to stop the death spiral. Do not let the fog make you blind to a better future you can slowly build, the fog and its lies about you are not truth, they are delusion.

Also, some minor radical change goes a long way in tandem with small victories. Like, I don't know, I once took 4 days where I didn't speak to anyone and refused to use technology, I basically just writhed inside my head the entire time, but it was a good thing, fuck the internet. Same thing with sobriety.

Best of luck comrade.

You gotta have something to look forward to which is edifying and socially satisfying. You're in a great position to get into a new sport from the sounds of it, actually. Have you tried rock climbing, jiu jitsu, kickboxing, or getting into swimming? Just something that requires using your body and building confidence, giving you something to get better at, which means you look forward to actually going out and doing it.

Actually thanks for posting this. My situation is different but I'm in a rut too. Let's get better together!

Edit: oh yeah, I've got ADHD and definitely recommend getting professionally evaluated for that. Getting evaluated for mental health can help you reframe your difficulties with being effective, thus alleviating some of the guilt and shame, making it easier to stick with healthy habits when things don't go how you intended, which is inevitable but ultimately not insurmountable.

Ok I'm 30, I've been here before, you can't help any movements or orgs at your best potential unless you get your mind right, comrade.

I've been in your position, let's start with some healthy fundamental routine building. Start with working out (if you're able physically) whenever you want, morning or night. You don't have to start with anything crazy, hydrate, stretch, do this: 10 push ups 10 arm leg raises 10 leg lifts 10 crunches 10 burpees (if you can start with 5 if too heavy) Then go run a mile (when you get better at this you can add more than a mile). I recommend this because you don't need a gym, so there's no excuse just do it in your backyard and run out for a run in your community, you don't need to drive anywhere.

This will help clear your mind and raise some inner motivation.

Now I don't know what country or region you're in but if you have access to an education (state funded) start considering something that could interest you to study in academically. If academics aren't for you maybe something you can be trained or certified to do ( an EMT or lifeguard, these are just examples). Don't feel overwhelmed by this I'm not asking you to figure out your career or something you wanna do for life, just something you can apply yourself healthily.

Again don't know where you live but if you have health insurance or access to any program for therapy I highly recommend that as well.

I rarely cook myself but do your best to make healthier choices with your meals. If you have access to food stamps program in your region apply for it.

Don't feel bad this is just the inner work needed to make a positive change in your life. Self care isn't all about spoiling yourself, that is a capitalist myth to promote consumerism. Self care is the act of inner work, to set your mind right. Self awareness is key but it is not the hand that turns the key lock, opens the door, and shuts it's behind us.

If you want a recommendation to read, I highly suggest Autobiography of Pablo Neruda, I am reading it in Spanish but you can find it in English. It is about the Chilean Poet, Pablo Neruda who was a beautiful writer and a socialist who has a very interesting journey of life.

If there's anyway I can help to advise you feel free to PM comrade, sometimes we all just need a Mr Rogers presence.

Coming from someone who self manages ADHD without meds (by choice ),I am constantly in mental inner turmoil 🙃