Hi! I've been extremely tired this week and nearly forgot that I was hosting one so I'm writing this last minute! I couldn't think of anything so I'm going to write about one of my hamsters who is not Biggs; Meredith
Meredith was another hamster of mine from a few years ago during the early days of COVID, and she was the absolute sweetest little creature I had ever met. Very friendly, very gentle. She loved exploring anywhere I put her into and never bit me ~~okay she did once ever~~. She was an absolute sweetheart and bundle of love and was with me during some of the rougher parts of my life
She unfortunately died very suddenly out of the blue one day at a terribly young age showing no symptoms of anything wrong with her prior, which breaks my heart to this very day
I never had her as long as any other hamster of mine but I don't think I had any other hamster touch my heart in quite the same way. I miss you, girl
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Had a lighthearted message here and was going to write about my hair, but I ended up ripping off the bandage so to speak
the main stuff (CW: anxiety, depression, dysphoria)
Realizing just how much these three can make havoc, along with autism, has made me realized just how much I overthink things. I thought I had some seriously messed up stuff going on in my head, and talking to a couple of people made me realize that I do! It's just, rather than what I feared it could be, it was mostly this cocktail of anxiety, depression, dysphoria, and autism. Literally overthinking myself into such mental distress, and yeah it's all still there and tangible, but also anxiety is making me think that I'm being logical when I'm simply not. It did not take long for the people I was talking with to contradict my own thoughts, things I could not see at the moment, things I had convinced myself were intrinsic to me and natural. It's trauma, of course it is, but I was failing to account for how it was impacting me, and I saw trauma and ran with what made the most sense, although it was under extremely heavy anxiety, so there was literally no reason to be had there. I'm... working on myself, and I'll get to where I want to be. For now though, I need to focus on centering myself, and that just means dropping trying to be someone else and trying to be in places that might trigger me. Hence, a break I am taking. I've found I'm very easily triggered as of late, and it made me feel incompetent, and I have been beating myself up over it. Things bubbled over talking to people, though, and now it's all just sitting on the surface, issues and traumas I thought I had overcome, emotions I am feeling when I told myself I was already feeling emotions again. I wasn't. The past year proves this, compared to now.I am in a better place now. I'm getting better every day. It might hurt, or be uncomfortable, I might burst into tears on the regular, I might have to rely on people, but that's not a bad thing as I work through this. And until that point where I do work through most of this, I'm not making grand statements about myself, not putting myself in labels like I've tried to do for so long, tried to fit in. I'm simply me, and that's perfectly alright, it's in fact great. No more hiding, no more bottling things up, no more trying to be more than one person at once. I am just me, the me that I want to be, my favorite me, and the me that I will take with myself into the future.
I don't know when I'll be back from my break TBH, this foxwolf is tired, very tired. I'm kind of set with people too, but that doesn't mean the people on here or on tracha aren't nice people. I just think I need time to myself, I need to set new patterns, put in an effort to become the person I want to be. And I think that means letting go, shutting myself out from all the aspects of social life that stress me out, and just let myself incubate. I'll still chat with people 1:1, but I've found that group spaces lead to more stress, a need to fit in, and I really really do not need that. I'm me, quirks, inconsistencies, and all, and I've spent way too long comparing myself to other people, trying to be people I'm not. It's time to take my first steps into a life of my own making, my own design, my own liking.
More thoughts came out here than I originally intended, this was just going to be a post on my hair while making a joke about posting on Luna while listening to Cult of Luna, but I've realized what I need. A farewell, either for now or indefinitely. I'm due for a megathread post at the start of June, so I think I'll make that my last week with you all, both here and on tracha. From there, I'll probably delete my accounts. Keep my posts, keep my history, but finally say my farewells. It feels weird, pulling myself away when I put so much effort into putting myself out, but I need to figure out who I am on my own, without group influence, without perceived standards and insecurities and jealousies and everything else.
Thank you all for this past year and a bit. I mean it, I would have taken much longer to figure out I am trans had you all not been here. I have met some absolutely wonderful people on here and on tracha, and one who has absolutely changed my life. I feel bad leaving this place behind, but I have to keep in mind it doesn't have to be forever. I can return under a different name, one I likely won't link to myself. I'll also probably stay on matrix, for those who want to reach me there. Still taking a break, and might go through an account reset of sorts, but I'll be there, even if I'm lurking in groups. Feel free to DM me, really, my matrix links are on both of my profiles here, and for those who have talked to me before and want to reach me again, I don't want to cut it all off.
Part of making this announcement is to manipulate my anxiety, in a sense. I can't go back on this, and I've known I've needed this for a bit now. I'm not isolating either, I'm due for a grass touching (in that I should do things IRL, trust me I touch grass). Thank you all, I'll say for a second time. It's been wonderful, and know that this isn't goodbye. Maybe I'll be back one day. Maybe I'll still be active on tracha. I'm still in DMs for sure. It's just hard to tell where things will go from here.
I'll not be posting again until it comes time to do my megathread on June 2nd, 2025. It's a biggie, the acknowledgement of my own existence happened a year ago in a couple days, and the date of the mega itself being the day I came out all at once. Until then, stay safe everyone, and be the versions of yourselves you want to be
Signed, @AshenWolf@hexbear.net & @Luna@hexbear.net
Wait, what? What is pup talking about?
I've done it now
/j
Said I wouldn't post again, but as much as I don't hide that I have two accounts some people might now know, so here's your confirmation.