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Imagine being afraid of the ‘friend zone’
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this post was submitted on 31 Aug 2023
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chapotraphouse
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I don't buy the misogyny arguments here. I remember being a teenager, and that shit feels desperate. Everybody else is hooked up and they seem so happy, and you've found someone you feel like you can really connect with, but they don't feel the same. So you've made a big deal of it in your mind and when they say "I think of you more as a friend", it feels like a full-on breakup.
Of course, you still have to get over it, just like a breakup. Learning to deal with that stuff is part of growing up.
Even as an adult, couples tend to hang out with other couples, and it can be challenging to be the single person in a group.
I know some people go too far, wallowing in self-pity over being friendzoned, and it can poison a person. Maybe it seems silly from the outside, and you think they should just get over it, but I think people deserve empathy and support as much as possible. Ideally we can help people work through their shit and not let this little blip in their lives come to define them.
Okay I'm done rambling. Thanks for reading.
What part of "you've found someone you feel like you can really connect with" excludes being friends or queerplatonic partners with that person? Ideally all your friendships should have a deep feeling of personal connection and love.
While I agree principally, I think a good percentage of people in the world reserve that kind of intimacy for their romantic partner, or select one or two long-term friends already in their life. So if they're unwilling to have a romance, I think the odds are very small that a deep personal connection will then bloom.
So then we're back at the issue that people hate being friendzoned because they refuse to value friendships
I think people hate being friendzoned because others' ideas of 'friendships' likely doesn't match include the level of personal connection they want. It would be cool if everyone was willing and able to have deep personal connections with their friends, but I don't think it's reasonable to expect it. I don't think reserving deep intimacy for a specific few people is the same as 'refusing to value friendships'.
It's a fair way to live one's life, but it will mean it's not unreasonable for other people to be disappointed when told they can't establish in that deeper connection.
I think you summed up my thoughts on this better than I could ever articulate. It’s like it’s become a thing now to take any negative feelings about romantic or sexual rejection and ascribe to it the label “incel” just because some / many people deal with that rejection in unhealthy ways.
I found myself in the friend zone lots of times in my single days. It sucks and it hurt. But I didn’t go online and whinge about it or say all women are bad or whatever or let it mutate into anti-social behaviors. I maybe felt down for a bit and then moved on, nbd. That’s how I bet most people deal with it.
Yeah it definitely is a shitty feeling, and those that try to convince you it's not are honestly trying to gaslight you (whether intentionally or not).