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this post was submitted on 19 Aug 2024
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traaaaaaannnnnnnnnns
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Had a job interview yesterday, fucking finally. It was one of those online ones which kinda sucked, I would have just preferred to do it in person. Idk how I did, I hope I get it but I'm not holding my breath
Also got my wellbutrin dose upped, probably going to have another week-ish of mania but I hope it's worth it, I'm fucking tired of being depressed
Things are looking up
Broke: Gender - questioning
Woke: Gender - uncommitted
Was thinking back about my time since I started my transition. One of the people I organize(d) with definitely started treating me differently! He got so much worse at listening to me after I transitioned, like to an almost comical degree. Recently he's pretty much ghosted. Kinda hoping he stays gone, but way too many people still seem fine with him.
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trans girl who develops a drinking problem because she heard bud light turns you into a woman
the less depressing/problematic version of this is trans girl who becomes vegan because she heard soy turns you into a woman and learned a lot of tofu recipes
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Iβm with my best friend at her first HRT appointment. She just went back. Iβm so damn proud of her. 
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Nobody shoulda given me access to leggings, it's terrible. It's like an entirely new level of looking at myself...
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I finally have the courage to let go of the past (throwing away accumulated ketchup and sauce packets that are so old they probably taste like shit) π
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dysphoria
I woke up this morning really upset that I don't look like a woman. I guess my brain tries processing gender stuff in my sleep because quite a few times now, I've felt one way falling asleep and another waking up. The times this has happened in the past have been positive changes I feel (like the one recently where I woke up feeling convinced I'm definitely trans. That felt pretty dang good.). But I just feel kinda awful right now.
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drugs
my wife really wants to try weed, amongst a lot of other drugs having grown up very sheltered. but she's gonna be so disappointed when she finds out yeah it just kinda makes you sit there for like an hour or so and say dumb shit you think is super funny, then you order like Β£40 worth of pizza and fall asleep. honestly one of the most boring crimes one can commit
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woke up hungie af, but I need to go to the supermarket if I want anything >.>
I do not wanna go to the supermarket
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Love to be back in my own home where I'm free to be gay and trans without being judged :3
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dysphoria, self-doubt, transition regret, and just general transition doom - sorry, i know that's a heavy list, but i'm really not feeling great right now comrades
i'm past a year and a half on E - when is it supposed to start working? i hear girls talking about how it's magic, and then i hear girls talking about how it's not magic but it's still a huge deal - is it truly either of those things, or am i just doing something wrong? i've never male-failed once in my life and girls talk about that like it's a rite of passage. reading Whipping Girl and having Julia talk about her magic inflection point three or four months in when she started getting gendered correctly all at once after starting to transition in her thirties and i'm over here clawing the rare she/hers I get exclusively from situations where i'm sitting down, in full make up, not talking, with a face mask on, from a distance. I meet actual queer people who genuinely can't tell I'm on HRT. I had a moment about a year in where I had my labs done and my E was too high, and I was talking about it with someone, and they said "isn't it amazing when it all starts to make sense?" and i had to say "no, like, I'm taking too much of it, it's not naturally high at all". i have cis man friends with long hair who get she/her'd more than I do. there's this, and there's failing every single trans bingo card that exists, there's the fact that I was conflicted but happy before starting to transition and now i'm just depressed and obsessive about it all the time, and it's really starting to take a toll. like really, is this the move? i was doing great as a guy. i really, truly, do NOT want to go back to that, i kinda don't think i could stomach it frankly, but in transitioning i've given up so much I was getting out of masculinity and gotten scraps, if anything at all, out of femininity.
what i want to ask is "when does it get better" but i kinda feel like the answer is "maybe never"? my T was 19 last time I got labs, it's been under 50 for almost a year. it just feels really shitty to be through the period when the majority of the changes are supposed to happen (unless i'm wrong and there's some big year two/year three bump? 
) and having next to nothing to show for it.
edit, literally 52 minutes later, same CWs but new enthusiasm
I am clocky and I'm hot 
maybe I'm just not used to the emotions E gives me, because holy shit these things turn on a dime, but like, i hope this can serve as inspiration that outlook changes a lot. I'm not feeling that much more pass-y but I'm a fucking hot piece, and while I may have shoulders for days and a thousand other things I've learned to instinctually zero in on in a mirror, I can also identify things in myself that I find hot in others and recognize that others see those things in me too?? it's so frustrating when some girls just... make it, even though I have so much joy in my heart seeing them do so, but it's truly not like passing all the time would be the one crowning achievement of transitioning either. there are so many things I've gotten out of this that I fail to focus on when I'm at my lowest. my exercise for the day is to list them here. 
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Uncritical support to being trans, one of the best things in the world π³οΈββ§οΈ
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getting diagnosed with autism/adhd as an adult is a bit unfortunate. definitely could have used that information much earlier in life lol
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Dick pill seller. I am going into battle and I need your strongest Rhino pill.
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CW dysphoria but not bad really, kinda funny?
spoiler
(me smelling bleach cleaning the bathroom)
Hell yeah, this rules, I just wanna be pureeee
(me smelling chlorine anytime I'm near a pool)
WTF this sucks, now I'm suddenly 12 again and sad and uncomfortable about not wanting to take my shirt off for some unknown reason 
(they're pretty much the same smell)
I remember when I was young (early 20s or so) I read an explanation of gender dysphoria, and not really understanding it thought "why don't you just drink a beer or something to cheer up lol" not realizing that's what I would go on to do, over and over and over, every day, for years π«
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late as usual
can you really say you've transitioned if you haven't accidentally smashed your boobs against something yet?
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Angry today. Maybe too much, maybe I hurt some people. But I'm also mad at several. Trying to avoid hurting others now though. At least until I'm calmer.
Tried listening to one of my little positive self-care audio clips from when I was voice training and it helped but it also made me feel I should start working on my voice again.
Fuck it I'm doing it now, I need to put this energy somewhere.
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Finally doing self-care and working on my body after years of neglecting myself 
Why does this shit have to be so expensive though. The only cruelty free + vegan 10% urea lotion that I could find was like 30 bucks when you account for shipping and taxes. It sucks but if it takes 30 dollars for me to no longer be self-conscious about my strawberry skin legs that have been bothering me for years then so be it
Out of the two paths of not transitioning Iβm kind of glad I just boymoded and hide in my room instead of repressing.
In some ways it sucks because itβs more my fault for not, but Iβm glad I was able to get on some level of hormones and be part of the trans community online the whole time.
Just joined dress gang today. Thrifting with my transmasculine friend is very productive for both of us! 
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I must admit that I donβt read theory as much as Iβd like to and I also know nothing about books/literature :( But I want to start reading about gender theory (from a marxist perspective). What was the book that was stickied to this com a while ago? And is that a good book to start or does anyone recommend something else?
Also feel free to recommend any fun fiction books that have lots of trans representation. Iβm not a huge literature nerd but I do love a good story thatβs a bit easy to read (I used to enjoy scifi and fantasy)
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My apartment is 17Β° this morning (63Β° for the yanks) π₯° it's finally cool enough to wear sweatpants inside, now I don't have to walk around naked just to survive
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scene shows me running in slow motion as a car explodes behind me
Fem narrator voice with thick Brooklyn accent: "As far back as I can remember, I always wanted to be a lesbian."
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Just found out my last staff party is at a pool. Ugh. Gonna be so awkward being one of the people there not in swimming stuff but it's either that or I skip it entirely.
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Shared a cute fall/winter outfit with my family chat yesterday. My mom and sister are being super supportive (my brothers too but they're not into fashion lol).
Kinda feeling like I have a big sister. She's the baby of the family but she has way more experience being a woman than me!
And she asked what size outfits I like because she wants to get me some clothes. Feels really nice :)
Fresh news mega is majestic, they are struggling chat. Desperate news nerds 
I'm about to spend 24 hours with my father, this may have been a mistake, but its a 'good' test
wish me luck
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I just want everyone here to know that Iβm posting less frequently not because Iβm touching grass but because Iβve been filled with creativity & painting a lot
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discussions of severe mental illness specifically ocd, self-harm and psych wards mentioned
Do people outside the OCD community even know that severe OCD exists and what it's like? I feel like this isn't common knowledge unless you're somewhat clued into the OCD world. I think even people who realize OCD is a disorder and don't use erroneously use the term to describe being organized don't know about how severe OCD can get. This thing is a spectrum from "life-disrupting but still functional" to "bedridden". Like, both my ex-girlfriend and my current best friend told me about periods of their life where they had OCD (or at least symptoms of OCD) but which passed for them. Meanwhile I'm out here with my life disrupted 24/7 by OCD and right now this is like, the best my OCD has been in several years.
When I was in my worst periods of OCD hell I genuinely felt like I was losing my grip on myself and reality. I spent days in bed just thinking and doing compulsions and spiraling. I considered checking myself into a psych ward because I was so scared of myself. The reason why I failed my first semester of college was because I couldn't read the assigned texts without my brain screaming at me because my class texts had become a focus point for my OCD. My brain could barely think any thoughts outside of OCD thoughts so I lost cognitive ability. I was self-harming as a compulsion. I was completely non-functional as a person.
I've heard a lot of other stories like this from other people with OCD and yet I feel like nobody knows this? Nobody knows that a common OCD experience is literally the feeling of becoming so convinced of the worst by your thoughts that reality starts to unravel around you? I wonder if I should make a post in the neurodiverse comm about OCD because I swear even well-meaning people do not know shit about this disorder.
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I may not be chappell roan, but it's my mission to get the youths Hot To Go to the polls
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Appointment done, my anxiety is gone 
and replaced by a new one that the post office employee made some mistake and it will end up not being acceptable 
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