this post was submitted on 06 Jan 2025
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Trans Megathread for the Week of 2025-01-06 to 2025-01-12 - Children of Time by Adrian Tchaikovsky
(hexbear.net)
Children of Time is a 2015 science fiction novel by Adrian Tchaikovsky.
In the distant future, humanity seeks to create new habitats for itself on distant planets, terraforming them and seeding them with life. Dr. Avrana Kern is heading one such project, orbiting the tentatively named "Kern's World", where the plan is to release monkeys 
infected with a nanovirus that will accelerate their evolution. Through an act of sabotage from an anti-technology group that has also destroyed much of Earth, the monkeys are never released, and the virus instead infects a species of spider, Portia labiata. The book follows the evolution of the spiders and their eventual civilisation, as well as a remnant of humanity that fled to Kern's World hoping to find paradise.
also children of ruin and children of memory, the sequels, are really good
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yapping about dysphoria, I don't actually know if this is coherent
Shaving takes so much work. And as much as I guess it's for me, like, it bugs me that I've been prioritizing self-care, self-reflection, self-exploration essentially since COVID and it hasn't had the desired affect of me becoming more of someone that people naturally want to be friends with.I thought working on myself would demonstrate value or something, like my classmates at the time would see that and want to help. That's what I did for them, I would help if I thought someone needed it. Maybe I'm overthinking the concept of attracting or manifesting, or whatever. Like, I don't know if I understand what makes people want to stay in touch, I don't think that's an emotion that has been directed towards me. I don't know if I register socially, like I'm not viewed as someone who can be invited out for pizza, or texted,, or whatever.
But I can put zero effort in, go a week without shaving, wear sweats. Or I can moisturize, style my hair, and pick out all kinds of jewelry. I feel as though I'm overlooked, regardless of how I try to present. I just keep wondering at what point I can have, point blank, the conversations I want to have.
I often wish I were a woman, but I also don't think I know a goddamn thing about women, but ALSO know it's not great to be like "women are a separate category that confuses me" internally. So I somehow feel invalid no matter how I approach this.
I think I'll feel this way until a member of the local LGBTQ+ community catches me in a big cartoonish net because I see no way to solve everything about myself on my own. I think I'm at the natural endpoint of being a man, lmao
I feel like I'm caught in some sort of Ouroboros where my problems just keep feeding each other. I wish I could just like, see what happens in the minds of well adjusted people. I wish I could load a save where I already have someone who is gonna notice if I disappear or am not doing well.
I truly feel like if I were able to explain the exact intricacies of what I'm discovering to be a Russian Nesting Doll of trauma to someone, that person would be compelled to help. I keep saying this, but please talk me down if I'm talking crazy. I want to be told that I'm an idiot if these things are stupid. To let me sit in the wrongness for this long is unfair.
I relate a lot to not knowing how to navigate things on your own and wanting someone to help you (or even do it for you)
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I don't think that's a correct expectation to have. I don't think most people would pay attention to like, your legs being shaved and think they should talk to you more. I think in general that kind of thing doesn't matter too much, I mean being attractive helps but I'm not sure the extent of it. I think what makes people want to stay in touch is them enjoying being around you, whatever that means for that person. Having a deeper connection once that is there is probably also important, how deep/personal people want to be depends a lot on the person and how they perceive you though.
Maybe you could clarify, what things about women don't you get or think are different? I haven't been friends with that many people but the biggest difference I could put a finger on is women seem more willing to talk about personal things. That kinda just tells me not to talk about personal issues with guys, its kinda good news if you want to be/friends with women in my opinion.
I personally am probably not a great person to help with trauma, although I am of course willing to listen, but I think this mega is a good place to explain it if you wanted to. Other people definitely have, and you can hopefully get input from people with experience dealing with it. Vs like talking to one particular person, maybe they aren't able to help. Especially if its gender related, honestly can't imagine trying to get the majority of my support on gender stuff from cis people irl.
I don't think you're an idiot or crazy. I think it'd be good for you to expand on some of what you've said, even if you aren't 100% able to communicate your feelings or if they aren't the "right" way to think about things.
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Outing myself as a weirdo who does notice when people make small changes, I guess? I notice how someone does their hair, what accessories they have, etc.Semi-related, but it's also like, I notice how someone walks, how the mood of the room shifts. I think to take someone only for what they say is to ignore a lot about who they are. There's a lot that happens in an interaction before you speak.
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Yeah, the people I thought of as my closest friends essentially wanted space but wouldn't tell me that. So I don't know if I fully believe people when they say they want to talk, or let's stay in touch. What you're describing works great, assuming you aren't being lied to. If I could trust that someone who said "let's stay in touch" was actually going to try and stay in touch with me, then things would be different.I think of "interest" and "care" as being passive or active. There's passive interest or care, "I'll listen to you if you show up" "You can always talk to me about that" or active interest or care, "I'll check in if you don't show up", "Last time we talked about this. How's that going?" If you're passive, you wait for their problems to come up. If you're active, you see how the other person is doing with their problems.
gender
I have never known guys to like, want to talk about things. Guys sit there and are like "oh, huh." Guys don't ask questions, they don't express interest beyond grunts. Like, I told my closet guy friend last time we visited I wanted to be more open, and he got super uncomfortable. We haven't talked since. We might still be close..? We might!That's what being a guy is.
Women seem to just be more willing to relate. Women are more willing to express themselves honestly, tell friends how much they care or when they're being dumb. Stick up for each other in real ways, more than empty platitudes. Men want to acknowledge your problem and for if to go away the next time they see you.
Men want to talk about things in their line of vision, and not much else. I understand men to avoid talking about feelings that they haven't settled within themselves. I feel like women care more about helping and supporting one another. Men are programmed to abandon one another.
I don't think that I think that women have it figured out, but there's so much about being socialized as a guy that makes me feel invalid in having emotions and desires and expressing them and wanting that from my friendships. I literally am like, "oh, I'm a guy who means well, that means I creep women out and should never annoy them with whatever my deal is". And it's hard to ever be intimate with a limiting belief like that.
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Relatable. I’ve spent a decent amount of time trying to perfect myself, and made lots of improvements, but I see other people be hideous in my own perception and yet have plenty of friends. It doesn’t matter how you look as long as you talk a lot in a socially respectable way about socially respectable things and reciprocate emotions, and people in long term relationships have apparently been doing so for a long time to maintain them. People talk about boring pointless things and have asymmetrical emotions most of the time, and I don’t feel like putting in effort for now. When I did put out effort to repeatedly invite neurodivergent people it kind of worked, but I am not used to such a thing in went crazy. Such a thing may happen again and I may do better, but for now idk.spoiler
I guess my problem is that a lot of social niceties read as disingenuous and deceptive to me, and it's like, how does one trust anything to be genuine? If someone is smiling at you and then talking behind your back, how do you trust smiles?Like, my topics of conversation were actively shut down in the last time I had a social circle, so I just assume that that's what'll happen if I speak freely. It's gonna be a fucking problem for someone. On a base level I assume nobody wants to hear about it.
And some of the socially acceptable stuff is stuff I can't relate to, like friends who are all in the same stage of life, or classmates who are all undergrads while I'm way older.
I don't have commonality with anyone anymore. So finding these socially acceptable things that are also of interest to me is like, impossible.
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I have never really masked, so I don’t question people’s motives most of the time, I just don’t care or expect friendship. Finding someone with common interests is indeed very difficult. My last friends weren’t interested in philosophy enough. Before that I talked about politics a bunch assuming if I knew enough people would understand, and some of them did, but they didn’t want to talk about it all the time. Other autistic people have boring pointless interests most of the time. I s’pose I should get organized eventually, but that takes spoons.spoiler
Okay. To me having no expectations feels like I'm surrendering myself to the worst possible outcome. The lack of a clear positive outcome kinda gives way to infinite negative ones.spoiler
One must work toward one’s goals, not simply hope for them. My view of expectations is anything specific I hope for or expect will not happen (in the way or timeframe I expect). The time when such things happen is out of our control so we should just do whatever we can do today. I have general hope more than specific hope. Maybe this is another autism binary: must think through all the specifics vs refuses to think about all the specifics (I have been on the first side but had to give up).spoiler
I can see how overwhelming this feels for you, personally I've always hated being noticed or offered help or advice lol. When people at cafes or hairdressers or wherever start recognizing me and saying my name, I stop going. I do NOT want to be noticed. I'd rather be in a sea of anonymity. I still say "nice hair cut!" to my coworkers when they come in with new hair, or the same for a new piercing or lip filling, whatever. But that's more a social obligation. My favourite shifts are when we don't talk for 12 hours, that's what I would prefer.I'm not sure what you're hoping for, someone to solve all your problems? Or explain everything that's up with you? In terms of your gender or whatever, that's not something someone else will ever be able to "solve" for you. There's no elder in the lgbt community who can rescue you. And you don't even need reacuing! You will have to make that journey more or less solo, or at least as the leader and captain, even if you're exploring with other people. If you want to be non binary, you already are (same with binary trans femme) - you're not a man who's failed, you're a fully formed non binary person. Same goes for being a binary trans woman. I think what you're feeling is totally normal and understandable even rational, but to get to where you want to be what you'd likely need is more like an LGBTQ+ support group rather than passively waiting for someone to rescue you.
What's the help you want to come your way? Because, to be honest, it's probably better coming from therapy or psychiatry rather than waiting to make a friend passively who can do therapy with you. It sounds like you're dealing with considerable amounts of anxiety and overthinking and thought spirals - having a partner or friend or external validation isn't the solution to that, if that's the problem anyway.
For you, I think you're dealing with a whole lot of stuff that's keeping you from taking more actionable steps towards getting to where you'd like to be. It's totally valid to feel overwhelmed and stuck or like you can't be understood. You're putting in effort though which is important! I seriously think the biggest thing you could do for yourself is joining a real life LGBTQ+ support group or advocacy group, whatever, in addition to therapy. I can imagine you feel like you don't have permission, well consider this your official invitation. This is useless advice, but try not to get so caught up in how you're perceived - people are very bad at actually gauging what others are thinking and overestimate how much others are thinking of or about them. I wouldn't attribute malice to people just falling out of your social life or shutting you down in conversation (did they really literally say "actually Wendy we're not talking about that and we're shutting that down" or did they move on because they couldn't contribute or had a different topic in mind).
I do understand the depth of pain your feeling even if, personally, being able to move invisibly and having people forget me is something I actually want lol
Someone willing to listen and discuss them consistently would be fantastic. I mentioned gender dysphoria and suicidal ideation to my last therapist multiple times and she'd just kinda make a pouty face, and wait for me to say more. Which, it's like. I need someone to be asking me questions to draw out my thinking. This therapist did not do that. One of the five people in my life I've even mentioned any of my issues to.
uhhhhhhh don't know how this makes me feel, the solo journey is part of why i'm going through it. like, how am i supposed to solve my life by myself. i have literally been trying this since 2019/
After five years of social withdrawal and ideation? I'd love to feel some community. I'd love to know that if I disappear in the blink of an eye, like if a pandemic ended goddamn fucking everything, that it won't be like I was never there. I'd love to find someone just as confused as me who I can bounce my insane thoughts and questions off of, but if my time here has revealed anything to me, it's that nobody is as confused as me.
idk, I've been staring at this screen, I meant to eat like 2 hours ago. I need a support system. The help I want? Someone to encourage me to fucking eat. Like, if I freak out after typing this comment, I don't have oh can i call this person or oh that person. I'm just sitting with these thoughts
I personally have trouble relating to you about this specifically because what you're suffering through and talking about is actually ideal to me. I'd rather vanish and have no one bother me. But that's me.
Yes, you may have to cycle through a few therapists before finding one that works with you how you need and who you vibe with. It's not a try one and then hope it works out, you have to keep firing them and going to new ones until you get to someone that works with you. That feedback would've been great if you could give it to your (next) therapist. When I'm in a therapeutic relationship with a patient, I'm not perfect for everyone, but silence and leaving space for people to feel things can be powerful - I would suggest rather that your last therapist was likely trying to have you process a big admission like suicidal ideation, Ive told people things like "wow that sounds very intense, tell me if you have a plan or method yet" instead of open questions to that kind of admission. That might not have actually been a big deal for you, but they wouldn't know necessarily if it was or not. Also, she mightve just sucked lol, they aren't all good with gender dysphoria (my therapists I've vetted if they're cool with lgbt people). If you try again and find a therapist that does something similar, you are 100% allowed to fire them and find another or give them the feedback that you felt like they needed to ask you questions to draw out more.
I'm sorry if it's uncomfortable that in all reality there is no one who can rescue you. I'm not saying it to dismiss your struggle or pain. What you're going through is a personal journey because no one else is going to be able to live your life. Your life isn't really a thing to "solve" for whatever solving it means - if what solving it means having a relationship or deep friendships or being more secure in your identity, those things can come but no one else can swing in and fix it for you. You'll have to be continuously active in this journey, there is no part where it gets "solved" by passivity or by signaling in your own way that you want help (seemingly without actually saying the words very often? A lot of what you talk about seems to be very passively and subtly hinting you need help vs asking or taking actionable steps).
But this journey doesn't have to be dome completely alone, which is why I think you'd benefit from an irl trans/lgbt support group including and especially the one at your college you likely have even though you've mentioned many times feeling too old to relate to the typical student. It's there for people like you, that's where you can go to talk about your feelings openly because a lot of those people are likely going through very similar things as you or will at least lend a helpful ear. And keep seeking therapy, I wish it was as simple as the first person you find or were assigned to but it's not. It's probably going to take a while - but that's the kind of person you can go to to talk about some of your feelings without judgement on the other side and who can give you more actionable advice and real tools to deal with things like social anxiety or depression (if that's even what's going on).
As for eating, I wish someone could be in charge of things like that for you. Maybe you're the kind of person that even likes having someone else be in that kind of yotal control over you. But that kind of letting go should be a gift to give away, not something you need done to you in order to survive and thrive. It's not an easy or straight forward struggle, you will have to learn and figure out what works for you. Potentially you may need some kind of medical treatment if something like anxiety or depression is affecting you. I obsess and ruminate and have thought spirals because I have OCD, it is possible to get out of those ruts because I had to in order to take care of myself, my ex (at the time), my cats, my patients, etc. For me, I needed medication and 18 months of therapy. I don't know what you might need, but I'm telling you it's not waiting for someone else to jump in and figure it out for you - as nice as it sounds!
Ooh, I did! It was a life-altering trauma. I learned I didn't want that.
Honestly, I've spent a *lot *of time alone with the ideation thoughts.
I had to process them by myself, because I was alone at a summer camp when they started. I never really talked to people about it but I learned to find my way back towards wanting to live. So for me to bring it up to another human being is because I want to bounce that idea off of someone. I don't say things with the goal of having no reaction. I brought it up because I wanted it to prompt discussion. And that's how I approach my posts, I don't say things hoping to be ignored!I truly thought everyone has cues and tells that their people pick up on, and say "oh wait he didn't do this today something must be up". At this point all I can turn to is anecdotal evidence, like a group of friends in childhood reacting to someone wearing his "sad shirt", all saying "Oh no everyone! He must be sad, let's give him a hug!", or one time i saw someone look sad and their friend walked over and said "you seem sad." Or are those the two instances of indirect social understanding in Recorded History.
I just wanted someone, boots on the ground, seeing what I see, validating some of what I feel. I see now that I'm expecting too much from people.
For sure, with a closer friendship or relationship people will pick up on cues or hints like that. My ex didn't (we're exes for a reason) but I did date someone who could which felt like she was a mind reader lol. Expecting people who aren't close friends to pick up on your cues is probably not as reasonable, sometimes they will but want to keep what they think is a polite distance vs jumping in and assuming you might ACTUALLY be down and be proverbially screaming for help. If you want someone in your corner validating you, it probably isn't going to be acquaintances. A support group should pick up - maybe not right away but over time - a therapist should pick up.
I think you can make friends who will over time get closer, understand your own particular cues, understand that when you're doing that that you want active help and not to be "polite" by ignoring it. It'll take time and some of it might be you have to take the leap to asking them to and being explicit about your needs - which absolutely can be frightening especially if you're anxious that they'll ignore you or cut you out or reject you in some way for doing that. Other than friends, having a therapist could help a lot with validating what you're feeling, giving you tools to deal with what's going on, help modify your thought patterns from a spiraling or circling or ruminating to something that'll let you move on cleanly.
Since you're in college, this is one of the times you can make friends through taking classes or going to groups. It isn't as easy as, say, kindergarten where you could literally ask someone "want to be friends" and then get a close friendship out of it lol. But it is a little easier than the working world. I know you feel you can't relate as well because they're younger than you, but you have stuff to offer with more life experience and your own unique worldview and experiences. You'll have to text more often first, a lot of people feel they initiate more than the other person and therefore the other person doesn't like them, but that's more of a perception than an objective reality - they usually don't even know you might initiate more. I met my friend in nursing school because I sat with her in our first classes and we did a lot of group work together (she was very good about my pronouns even when I wasn't passing even a little). Now I went to her baby shower and we're going to Seattle together and we talk on the phone and text each other, it all just takes time to grow and you will likely have a harder time if you view it as transactional - as in "if I text x times first, they must text y times first or else it doesn't count" or "if I text x times first and invite them to board games and we have a good time there, then they must help me deal with my emotional problems or else we aren't friends"