Transfem
A community for transfeminine people and experiences.
This is a supportive community for all transfeminine or questioning people. Anyone is welcome to participate in this community but disrupting the safety of this space for trans feminine people is unacceptable and will result in moderator action.
Debate surrounding transgender rights or acceptance will result in an immediate ban.
- Please follow the rules of the lemmy.blahaj.zone instance.
- Bigotry of any kind will not be tolerated.
- Gatekeeping will not be tolerated.
- Please be kind and respectful to all.
- Please tag NSFW topics.
- No NSFW image posts.
- Please provide content warnings where appropriate.
- Please do not repost bigoted content here.
This community is supportive of DIY HRT. Unsolicited medical advice or caution being given to people on DIY will result in moderator action.
Posters may express that they are looking for responses and support from groups with certain experiences (eg. trans people, trans people with supportive parents, trans parents.). Please respect those requests and be mindful that your experience may differ from others here.
Some helpful links:
- The Gender Dysphoria Bible // In depth explanation of the different types of gender dysphoria.
- Trans Voice Help // A community here on blahaj.zone for voice training.
- LGBTQ+ Healthcare Directory // A directory of LGBTQ+ accepting Healthcare providers.
- Trans Resistance Network // A US-based mutual aid organization to help trans people facing state violence and legal discrimination.
- TLDEF's Trans Health Project // Advice about insurance claims for gender affirming healthcare and procedures.
- TransLifeLine's ID change Library // A comprehensive guide to changing your name on any US legal document.
Support Hotlines:
- The Trevor Project // Web chat, phone call, and text message LGBTQ+ support hotline.
- TransLifeLine // A US/Canada LGBTQ+ phone support hotline service. The US line has Spanish support.
- LGBT Youthline.ca // A Canadian LGBT hotline support service with phone call and web chat support. (4pm - 9:30pm EST)
- 988lifeline // A US only Crisis hotline with phone call, text and web chat support. Dedicated staff for LGBTQIA+ youth 24/7 on phone service, 3pm to 2am EST for text and web chat.
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It does seem like cis people have a particular way of "seeing" gender, and it's hard when the body or gender presentation you have conflicts with what you want people to see.
I'm rather conformist, it's very important to me to do everything I can to make my body and gender presentation match what people expect from a woman, so they see a woman. I don't really expect the average person to see a woman if I don't look like one, and I feel really awkward expecting them to think of me as and see me as a woman when I don't appear as one.
That said, I understand the frustration, esp. if you provide pronouns and the other person doesn't make an effort to respect them - at best it seems impolite and rude, at worst it seems hostile and violent.
I really hated early in transition the way I went from tolerating the wrong pronouns (in pre-transition) to feeling like no pronouns worked for me - if someone used my "preferred" pronouns (she/her) it felt like they were just being polite. (I wanted to be a woman, not be coddled in my delusions and politely referred to as a woman while nobody actually sees me as a woman.)
On the other hand, if someone used a different pronoun it felt like they were being either impolite, forgetful, or outright hostile. Before transition it was easier to just swallow the he/him and remain under the cover of being "normal" - but after transition it was like I "ruined" my gender and my gender was never "right", and no pronoun felt safe or appropriate.
After a year and a half of estrogen injections, my body has changed enough to fit within cis standards for a woman, even though I can't see it myself. The estrogen, and of course all the immense amount of work I have put into trying to pass (voice therapy, skin care routine, diet, exercise, education on fashion and makeup, etc.).
It feels weird now, like I'm no longer "trans" in the same way because I am gender conforming enough now. So instead of being overtly trans, my transness is a hidden flaw in my gender, something only a small number of people can see (usually only other trans people), and which is lying there waiting to undermine my womanhood for anyone who notices.
I don't know what your gender goals are, but I really feel for non-binary folks whose gender expressions fall outside of what is commonly accepted, it is just so hard to get "seen" correctly by people when you are trans.
As a trans guy who is sort of non-binary as a shorthand explanation and mental crutch for a complicated resting state of not physically transitioning because of my long-term partner's phenotype preferences I feel this so hard. My physical body does not sort easily into people's gender code. I ended up going with they/them pronouns more as a defensive move.
In my case it's the daily sacrifice in the name of love but fuck if it doesn't destroy my confidence regularly and feel like a fey curse.
Just a gentle suggestion that not physically transitioning for your partner's preferences is probably not healthy or OK, I know it's difficult and you have to figure that out yourself - but I encourage you to seek counseling and find a way to help your partner see that being trans is a genetic and medical condition that for your health and well-being you really shouldn't ignore and forego treatment on, esp. for something like their preferences. Not all trans experience is the same, but it's probable that medical transition would significantly improve your life.
Also, I hear you re non-binary and they/them being used to just make it "easier" or more understandable for people, which is so ironic considering it sounds like you would be able to conform to people's gender expectations and a binary model better if you were free to ...
Either way, I'm sorry for your situation, that's rough 🫂
In the nicest possible way - don't. This is not your call and this is not good advice. The relationship is 16 years old and a been a constant sense of comfort through a number of life's traumas and bumpy roads. I would happily take a bullet for him any day of the week and my choices are not founded on nothing. He can't help having a phenotype preference any more than I can and the decision I made was in regards to a wholistic assessment of what my values are. He is very aware of the nature of transness and your assumption that what works for you is the best path forward is not welcome.
I accept the conditions under which I live as imperfect but preferrable by far then losing a partner with whom I share my burdens.
Yes, of course you're right that this is not my call.
I am aggressively in favor of medical transition in these contexts not because I dogmatically believe it's the best for everyone (I know for a fact it won't be - there are plenty of trans people who respond poorly to HRT, for example), but because so many people who would benefit and arguably need gender-affirming care do not seek it for various reasons that we would never consider reasonable for any other medical condition. I believe it's our culture's anti-trans bias that makes it so easy for trans folks to sacrifice their well-being and delay or refuse treatment.
On an epidemiological level I think this results in worse outcomes and great harm & cost for society (suicides, drug abuse, etc.). So on principle it seems like good clinical advice to suggest people with gender dysphoria take it seriously and get treatment. That doesn't mean it's simple or that you as an individual are absolutely compelled to follow that clinical advice, esp. when the costs are so high.
That said, I respect your boundary and don't feel the need to convince you, as I said it's something you have to figure out for yourself, and I have already admitted it's not always the best path in the end.
Sorry for over-stepping and creating stress, you shouldn't have to set that boundary with me and I need to think more on how to best approach providing a different perspective without coming across as too prescriptive.
I appreciate the apology. As a suggestion it's best to ask clarifying questions before handing down judgements about what counts as healthy for someone or offering advice. As a long term non-medically transitioning person I receive a lot of unsolicited advice about how to live my life from people whose circumstances are much more clear cut. It comes across often as quite condescending when someone extrapolates from a very small snippet of personal information that mine were not carefully thought out and reasoned choices that are made daily.
The choice to transition medically isn't a simple medical question and in my mind should not be out of hand treated as if it were a straightforward form of medical treatment to restore function. The question we should be asking ourselves is always "are the decisions I am making wholistic towards the outcome of making my life the best it can be." For a lot of people the decision to medically transition is a no brainer, there is nothing keeping you but for some it comes with a slew of either/or sacrifices that impact other valuable aspects of the human experience. For some of us there isn't a good solution without pain of some kind and the only choice we can make is what is preferable to endure. The reasons other people have to make are their own to make and not seeking "treatment" is not a metric of whether they take their situation "seriously".
There is a very big difference between how people carry pain endured for little to no reason versus pain that is the willing price paid for something cherished.
Of course, I'm sorry - I want to keep things wholesome. ❤️
That's a good idea, leading up to it rather than starting with it.
That makes sense. I've heard similar stories about how binary trans people will tell non-binary folks about how they might not be non-binary, etc. - there is a lack of awareness of how many of these conversations you are having to field with others.
To be clear, I didn't mean to imply you weren't carefully reasoning or thinking through your decision ... rather, my perspective is that any person that asks their partner to not medically transition because of their phenotype preferences doesn't have their partner's well-being as their priority. It comes across as a red flag to me, and I can't see a way it can be justified.
If I put myself in the shoes of the person whose partner is transitioning, I can't imagine ever feeling right asking the person not to transition. I can imagine the pain and grief of losing that relationship, or even sacrificing and staying in the relationship for the person even if it means losing that part of the relationship, but I can't imagine asking them to not transition, or even without asking, being part of the reason that person doesn't transition.
I would have never transitioned if I followed this logic, tbh. I underestimated and fundamentally did not understand the significance of HRT to my health and well-being until after. Now I balk at how I used to live, I don't know how I survived.
Hmm, this is surprising to me - I am not sure I know anybody where transitioning was a no-brainer. Transitioning is usually an extremely difficult decision to make even with ideal circumstances. Many people lose their jobs (most trans people I know IRL lost their jobs when they transitioned). Many lose their family, their spouse, and face a long, painful, and expensive transition process without adequate support. We also live in a context where transitioning is subject to political scapegoating and persecution.
I consider my own transition conditions extremely ideal, and even so I rationalized myself out of transitioning for years to protect other people in my life, and in the end I did lose family due to transition.
It never seemed to me like you weren't taking transition seriously or you weren't putting thought into your decision. Usually, actually, I think people who don't transition as a sacrifice for people in their lives are doing the opposite - they put a lot of thought into it, and usually they are making the difficult choice to prioritize others. This is not a bad thing in itself, I think the opposite mindset (not considering the impact on others) would be disturbing and would come across as immature. No, you strike me as mature and like someone making difficult sacrifices for someone you love.
I feel quite emotional reading your message. It reminds me of a part of Little Fish by Casey Plett where an older Mennonite woman turns out to have been a closeted lesbian her whole life but who stayed straight out of religious devotion, and when confronted by a trans woman about her sexuality, she says:
You're not doing it for religion, but out of love for your partner. But you are not weak, it takes strength.
People make sacrifices in their lives, and it takes that strength to do so. To come out of the closet or to transition can really seem selfish. At least I always thought of transition that way, as selfish. I held on to that responsibility for a long time.
It was only when I learned that by not transitioning that I was hurting the people in my life that the logic reversed, and I realized I had a responsibility to transition. Yes, for my well-being - but I didn't care as much about that as for the well-being of others in my life who were suffering because of me.
My experience is probably not relevant to you (even if it's not surprising when other trans people do have similarities anyway). Regardless, I respect and understand your choice, I made the same choice for over a decade. I would still be making that choice, if not for a very particular set of circumstances that happened to me.
I wish you the best. Thank you for being so patient with me as I stumble and fail to handle this well. You're really kind. ❤️
There is again quite an assumption here mainly that my partner somehow asked me to not transition, that again I am somehow being coerced to stay by a domineering voice.
This was a discussion, a frank one, where I clarified with him what the potential outcomes of a medical transition were in terms of our relationship and decided on my own. It was not something he was comfortable asking me to do on his behalf and even after making my decision he took some time to feel comfortable on his end with it because his concerns and lack of self confidence of being "worth it". People have approached him in the past with the attitude that he's doing me a disservice and it ruins him for at least a week.
You are also conflating my comment about medical transitioning being a no brainer with transitioning itself. I have still transitioned socially and have been impacted in losing career advantages, family and friends for my choices. All transitions carry risks regardless of the medical component and when you frame it in this way where it focuses on medical transition as the majority of the risk or defining portion of transistion it implies that non-medical transition doesn't count as transition. Any transition should be approached as potentially having serious reprocussions. In many cases of my friends who have medically transitioned the decision to medically transition was ultimately a lot less difficult than the decision to socially transition because by the time they got there they'd already experienced bigotry and yes, their lives have gotten markedly better since... But they also do not pity me and that is the tone of what you give off here (particularly in quoting a book about a womam dealing with religious trauma and internalized homophobia) the sense that you aren't simply empathizing or sympathizing with the aspects of my choices which are difficult but that you veiw those choices as harmful or misguided.
I am glad that you found happiness and comfort in your transistion. It's obviously a great fit. Maybe rethink your approach to non-binary folx as it seems like you bring a little overmuch of your personal baggage with you.
Yes, in the absence of awareness of your situation, I make various assumptions or guesses about the situation. I had considered that your partner never asked you to not transition, but what happens I think is that all the other conversations I've had with people whose situation seemed similar to yours get conflated or generalized, and so I respond as though you are one of the many others.
This is of course a gloss, and that is unfair to you since it makes assumptions that aren't true and aren't relevant.
At some point I think I was aware of the irrelevance of my words to you and your situation - or at least aware of the likelihood of that.
I think this is part of why I said things like if I put myself in the shoes of your partner and imagined even if not asking just knowing I was a reason for someone not transitioning - it's not that I absolutely ignored that possibility, I just didn't know whether it was the most likely possibility.
So yes, assumptions were made - but part of that is because I don't wish to pry or confront, to engage directly on your circumstances is not my goal, instead I just react to what you have disclosed so that I'm being transparent about my own hang-ups, faults, reactions, and so on - partially because I think I want this feedback from you about how to be better, and for that you need to see how I'm thinking in the first place.
You are absolutely right that I made bad assumptions, and I'm sorry for that. The assumption that your partner asked you not to transition was never so "solid" or sure on my end, but I can see how it comes across that I'm thinking it anyway.
I also think there was some conflation of medical vs social transition, but this was again just a generalization or a gloss, handling each separately didn't occur to me as much in that situation, and maybe generally, for various reasons. To be honest, I think even if we split the two and talk about "social transition" and "medical transition", we are still glossing and generalizing. To be honest a lot of this is just about the economy of language and thought, I am happy to be super narrow in my concepts but I think it can be tedious to read, and overly verbose - two things I already skew towards in my writing. Not every trans person has the same "medical transition", for example, so often when I'm talking about "transition" in this context, I'm really talking about the (offensively assumed) "missing component" of HRT, even though the term otherwise implies much more (even HRT itself can designate different things, and depending on the route of administration and the dose, HRT can have dramatically different results for people and mean different things for people).
So, to continue in my thought-transparency (sorry, maybe this is not useful to you), I socially transitioned before I medically transitioned, and my own experiences certainly skew the way I think - particularly what I experienced was that social transition made my life worse in many ways and maybe wasn't the best choice, while HRT was life-saving. Truly, HRT was the most clinically relevant component of the whole transition experience as far as I can tell. Social transition for me was just a way to force myself out of the closet and prevent further refusal to transition.
So this is pretty much my perspective too, in conflating social and medical transition I think the challenges of social transition were generalized and put together with medical transition.. So of course I agree with you on everything. Surgeries can be quite painful and difficult to get through, but at the very least I think HRT is quite wonderful, and makes life easier and better. That's the fundamental point I'm trying to get across here: it's so great, you and every other trans person should at least try it to verify whether it's also a life-saving medication or not. And again, that mindset is built on the empirical evidence we have that not doing it results in worse health outcomes and deaths while doing it alleviates those risks.
Oh, I didn't feel pity at all, lol - sorry, maybe that would have made sense, but you just don't know me and it makes sense you wouldn't understand. I think what I'm feeling is maybe a connection to my pre-transition self and all the sacrifices they made, basically I haven't really accepted being trans and I'm still occupying a mindset of believing what I've done is selfish and wrong, and so I basically glorify your choice to sacrifice for your partner by not medically transitioning (note here I'm making more assumptions, I have no idea if you have taken medical transition steps, maybe you just haven't had surgeries but you've been on HRT and this whole conversation is just me making really dumb assumptions). I don't feel sorry for you, I feel envious - I spent a lot of my life being "good" the way you are now, making that kind of huge sacrifice and carrying that burden. In all my self-loathing and guilt, I think I miss that - my fucked up psychology seems to feel it's much better to be a martyr than to engage in self-care. The change in that perspective has not been complete.
I do think your choice is probably self-harming, but what you miss is that I think this is maybe a good thing still. I can't help but still operate under that old logic, I am skeptical that taking care of myself this way is really justified. That said, I'm pretty sure that's just my desire for punishment and suffering, and it's probably not healthy or good - or even related to you, tbh. Sorry, I really am, I hope by being so transparent I'm helping somehow, but I worry it's just indulgent and wasting your time.
So, I am confused, I thought this started by talking about how you use non-binary as a quick gloss of your gender, but that seemed to imply your actual identity isn't non-binary, it's just the result of this compromise you have made about transition ... was I mistaken about that?
And yeah, a lot of personal baggage comes up with the trans stuff - I am projecting like crazy, making bad assumptions, etc. but I think the fundamental message still holds. Maybe an awkward analogy would ~~make this interaction so much worse~~ help explain my perspective: imagine someone had cancer throughout their breasts, but the cancer had become dormant. Let's say there is empirical evidence that this situation could result in increased risk of dying early, maybe the body isn't as healthy with the cancer in it, maybe the cancer could come back at some point - the analogy here is the way that the "wrong" hormones in the body cause depression, anxiety, suicidal ideation, etc. - it's biochemical, the brain is altered by it. Let's say the dormant cancer messes with the body and mind too, and so you won't have the same energy, happiness, or general well-being unless the breasts and cancer are removed. It's a stretch, but we can imagine it, right? So, what I hear a lot of people saying (not just you, mind you - this is part of what's going on here, I'm interacting with lots of people in marriages who refuse to transition, socially and / or medically), is that their partner really likes their breasts, they are attracted to and attached to their breasts, and if they have their breasts removed it will be devastating to the relationship. Their partner won't be attracted to them anymore and it will spell the end of the relationship. They can't help that their partner is sexually attracted to their breasts, and so they have to choose between keeping the dormant cancer-ridden breasts and the risks and health consequences that come with it, or they can have the surgery and risk losing their relationship.
I just don't find keeping the cancerous breasts a reasonable option, ever. I think the trans issue is actually worse than the cancer, because it has to do with identity and who you are - living as someone else for a relationship is worse than just leaving dormant cancer in the body.
My view is that the only reason we think it's reasonable to keep the cancer is because we have been acculturated to believe it's wrong to transition, that it's a betrayal of the spouse, and that it's not that helpful medically. But that's just not what the empirical evidence shows.
I think this might be my struggle with black & white thinking, there are a few things going on with me. I might also feel like I had to justify my transition and that requires an extreme position, otherwise I have to admit I could have been like the Mennonite and gone the rest of my life without transitioning and I should have just toughed it out.
Anyway, my point is that I'm not trying to apply this to you as much as I'm trying to show my hang-up, I guess I'm hoping for you to complicate my view, to show me why I'm wrong. Maybe you can't do that, maybe it's wrong for me to expect or ask. Either way, that's how I think about this, and nothing you've said makes it make sense.
Of course, on the other hand I completely understand your perspective, that a partner is like your life blood, more important than even your own self. I would do the same.
Hm, we feel that us fey would not do such a thing. However, if it is as such we would gladly undo it for you.
A shiny rock or two would be payment enough.
I’m eleven years deep into HRT. I try my best to present binary female, but some sort of quantity prevents even my fellow trans people from giving me anything other than he/him without incessant prompting.
I have a call center job and I know my voice passes just fine. It’s probably all in how I move my body (which isn’t well—who knew being a stroke victim also removed gender?)
Anyway, I look like this on an average day:
You look well within the norm of women to me (cis woman). 🤷🏻♀️ Probably because you are one.
Haters gunna hate, especially if there’s anything “off” about you (sorry for the phrasing, I hope you know what I mean), such as having had strokes. I’ve been accused of being a man before (likely personality-based), and it’s wildly uncomfortable. I’m sorry you have to deal with that, as I’m sure it’s much more impactful for you.
I will offer that you may want to consider a different hair styling, maybe waves/curls or something like long side-swipe bangs to help frame your face rather than having your hair straight and fully pulled back (kinda more common style on long-haired men, ime). It wouldn’t be any more work than you do now to style, really, and should help accentuate the feminine aspects a bit more (being a totally feminine haircut). I have fine, straight hair, and it’s a pain to do anything fun with other than basically the style you have now, but with a good stylist to get you the cut you want, something like below would probably look fab on you. I’m probably biased tho because that’s sort of the cut I have, just without the volume, and in black and gray 😉
These days I just keep it pinned up in a rhinestone-studded French clip, with the bangs swept to the side, but not ear-tucked. Takes 2 min and looks nice.
My right hand doesn’t really have much in the way of motor control, so my hairstyles naturally tend to more simple stuff. Plus, the longer I attempt to look at my face in the mirror, the more of a migraine I get, as I can never quite resolve what I’m looking at. (The notch you see in my glasses over my right eye helps me to pin the approximate location of my head in reflections and such.)
So I usually just wear a medium bun and go with a clean presentation, or I let my hair fall in the back. Once in a while I’ll just let my hair hang loose, but it’s long enough it gets in the way.
I generally like just looking simple and presentable.
Those styles look amazing with side-swept bangs, tbh (I know because I do them, that’s what the French clip is for - replaces the hairbands for my buns. Just twist and clip, cuz I’m a lazy bitch).
The only effort you’d need to put in to styling that you don’t already, is to use your brush to separate some of the bangs chunk from what you pull back. Literally that’s it, and depending on your hair, that might just naturally happen when you go to sweep it all up, meaning it’s zero extra effort. They are wicked easy to maintain and live with, imho. And if you keep them a bit longer, you don’t have the annoying hair-in-eyes thing.
Just, you know, something to consider :) I also tend to prefer the clean and easy look, I just have a really large forehead I got made fun of a ton as a kid/young adult, so needed something to sort of downplay it. This ended up being the best of both worlds for me.
I mean, there are probably things you could do to fem it up more if you wanted.
These are just suggestions, not criticisms.
Based on that photo, your lashes are very light colored, but even with my dark lashes I like to use a crimper and apply mascara whenever I go in public - you could try that out and see - it can make a big difference.
The forehead, nose, and chin also appear masculine. I use contouring makeup to diminish my nose bridge and lift my cheeks and diminish my neck and jawline.
For my forehead, I cover mine up with bangs. In general I try to direct attention to my eyes - so for example instead of a red or dark colored lipstick, I might use a light-colored pink tinted lip balm.
I can't see your eyebrows well, but having those worked on by a professional every few months and tweezing to maintain between appointments can really help fem up a face. Your hair is so light you might look at using a brow tinting brush to darken the eyebrows.
I also avoid turtle-necks because of the way they frame my neck, and certain cuts of shirts that direct the eyes to the wrong places, e.g. preferring v-necks to crew necks. I want to divert eyes away from my neck and shoulders, and towards breasts and hips. Wearing a long piece of jewelry can help with this too, as well as avoiding boxy cuts or ruffly shoulders, and avoiding anything that exposes the back.
The pattern of the clothes and the colors also make a difference in proportion and composition and the way the eye is directed.
I also think cycling my body fat has been really helpful, and I tend to have more body fat than most, which helps by giving me larger breasts and hips, and the fat on my face is distributed in a way now that is more feminine and gives a softer and rounder appearance.
Anyway, there's a ton more to discuss, but these are just some ways I tend to feminize on my own.
You don't have to feminize to be valid, but you might find it helps people see the woman you want them to see. Still, there is a kind of toxicity there - I'm not saying passing should be your priority.
I actually can’t perceive my own face well enough to apply makeup :(
My fusiform gyrus is shot.
hm, do you know anyone who would be willing to do your makeup for you?
I know you can always go pay someone to do that for you (e.g. in the U.S. you can go to a Sephora to get a make-over), but sometimes girlfriends are willing to do makeup for fun, if I were there I would totally do your makeup for you 😊
either way I'm sorry to hear about your fusiform gyrus - do you know why it's shot? That doesn't sound great 🫠
I’ve actually survived two strokes and walk with a cane. The right half of my body is generally a mess, but my rehab has done well for me. At least I can walk!
Also, insofar about me from the neck down, I’m intensely sex-repulsed and have zero breast matter going on. I use slight padding to give gentle curves there, but nothing major. So showing chest generally can’t happen with me looking even more masculine.
Honestly, I may as well keep playing the hand I’ve been dealt, because there’s not many other options for me.
And really, I don’t have any cis people I talk to without a cash register within touching distance.
Two strokes, trans, and yet still pushing forward against the shit shoveled your way. You are objectively kicking ass despite the hand dealt & that needs to be said.
Some great tips above that I won't try to clumsily add to, but you have my best wishes. I hope you get to where you want to be.
for real, she's crushing it - I am amazed 🤩
That is mind-blowing. It is impressive you have survived two strokes and are still walking and talking, let alone with style and doing so well.
You definitely don't have to emphasize breasts, it's just one way I happen to feminize and honestly for me it's rarely that I feel sexualized or busty, but instead the gestalt is just that it "looks better" by not emphasizing my more masculine qualities. I just don't want to look like a man, so those strategies help. It's unfortunate feminization is sexualization in Western / Christian society - we are made to feel uncomfortable in our bodies if we feminize, and are judged if we are too feminine as being manipulative and sexual.
Either way, you have a sense of your preferences and that's awesome, and it also sounds like you already have a good sense of how things look on you, which is also great.
And regarding getting someone else to do makeup, it doesn't have to be a cis person - I bet there are trans women in your community who could do your makeup, even just for fun.
It sounds like it would be impractical as a daily thing, but it can be nice to doll up for special occasions, and having some way to do that might be fun for you. Just brainstorming, but I also understand if this is just not a priority considering everything else going on - survival comes first, and you have been doing a great job with that.
Thank you for being so open, kind, and vulnerable with me. 💕
So I’m ace and sex-repulsed, right? I’ve got a body that at least advocates for that and gives me almost no secondary sex characteristics. And a friend of mine once noticed that I have, in her words, “energy like Kara from Detroit Become Human,” and so I play up that android/robot vibe in subtle ways with how I arrange my hair and dress myself.
I just wish people would see the feminine in me, which has been cooking for eleven years. :(
Well, from your photo I definitely can see the feminine, it's not like it's not there - I just think there are some remnant masculine qualities that seems to be tripping some people up. You're not that far away, and in a more gender-expansive group you are already there - I am able to think of you as a woman, but I have more practice doing this because I'm a trans woman who tries to make an effort to interact with other trans women and participate in our community.
It sounds like you enjoy having a bit of an agendered androgynous body, which is definitely a look you're giving, and that comes through (I love it, very authentic and captures "you"). Honestly the problem might be more with how people "see" - male characteristics tend to be more heavily weighted or considered when gendering someone than feminine qualities (maybe due to sexism, tbh - not sure why the psychology works that way). This puts the onus on diminishing those masculine qualities more (or less effectively, over-emphasizing feminine ones) to compensate, which then probably feels imbalanced.
It's fine for you to conform and set those goals for yourself, but please don't put that on others. Not passing doesn't make a person nonbinary.
Yeah, I don’t pass but I’m definitely binary. My goal isn’t even to pass (though if I could it would be nice, but there’s so much medical shit wrong with me it prolly won’t happen), but is to stay alive, safe, and respected in that order.
Sorry, I never meant to imply OP is non-binary - I just wanted to be sensitive and not assume they were binary; additionally I was thinking about how rough it is to live as a gender non-conforming person, esp. for some non-binary folks whose gender expressions and identities don't fit in society (and how that will always be true for them, it's not a rough stage that might end, as it can be for some binary trans folks early in their transition - that's just life for them, what is authentic to them is what creates friction in society, and that really sucks).
Not passing is entirely separate from identity, and identity can be quite separate from expression, too. Some trans women are binary but never medically or socially transition, their expression conforms to cis male norms their whole lives - but they're still women, for example.