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Repeatedly questioning one's sexual orientation/gender identity is a common OCD theme. Throughout high school I was terrified that I wasn't actually bi and I was just a straight person imagining it for attention. I also had a period where I was scared that I wasn't really trans (a very cis thought to have, of course.) I totally understand how OCD can just mess with your brain and make things confusing. It's something that I think is really not discussed enough with OCD — the loss of identity one can feel from just the volume and intensity of it all. I believe in you though, and things won't always be this way.
Yeah I've been trying to identify ego dystonic feelings to identify what is OCD and what isn't (this only works so much though because the more I think about it the more I can't identify what's real and what isnt).
But I definitely am way more scared I'm cis than I am scared that I'm gonna have to continue living as a trans woman. Like I want to live as a trans woman, I want to be a woman. My fears are really that I'm not going to be able to for whatever reason and then I'll have to detransition. Which is a pretty trans fear to have also. Like it would be logistically way easier for me to be cis and live as a cis man forever. The world would be set up for me.
Yeah, it really messes with you like that. If you find yourself ruminating a lot on your thoughts, it might be a mental compulsion; of course idk your specific brain experience though, I'm just speaking from my own. I'm really sorry that you're experiencing all of this rn and I hope things get better soon
Rumination is my main compulsion, as well as obsessively researching and Googling to sooth my fears. Usually when I get stuck in these loops I am stuck for 3-5 hours before I can pull myself out :(
And yeah its a process I really hope so too though :/