this post was submitted on 11 Sep 2024
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chapotraphouse
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Straight Fs in cursive gang
Three cheers for undiagnosed dyspraxia! And for parents who would say shit like, "if you get straight As on your report card, we'll buy you a new Nintendo game! Oh, what's that? An A in every subject except Handwriting, and you only got a C+ in it? Guess you're a miserable fucking failure who doesn't get a new game! Enjoy playing nothing but SMB/Duck Hunt until the end of the next quarter!"
I would have gotten you a video game for those As. But I wouldn't have known what were the good games so I probably would have gotten you the Who Framed Roger Rabbit game or Metal Mech. And you'd be like
"it's SO good" through a strained expression that I never pick up on.
That would have been an improvement. When we did finally get a second NES game, the family discussion went something like this:
A couple of weeks go by, and my mom comes home with a game. She says it's two player (it's not), it has RACE CARS, and she can't remember the name but it starts with an "R." I'd been doing my research up to this point, and thought maybe it was Rad Racer, which was supposed to be all right if you're into that sort of thing.
Nope. RC Pro-Am. Manchild boyfriend played it twice, got frustrated at the fifth or sixth level, complained that the yellow car cheats, and never touched it again. Mom tried it once, couldn't figure out the controls, and declared that she didn't like Nintendo games. I beat my head against it for a few weeks during summer vacation and never made it past something like the 15th or 16th track because of how badly the difficulty ramps up after that. (And yes, the yellow car does cheat; it had glitched physics that allowed it to lap you multiple times on some tracks.) It was one of those games that Rare published while they were on their "punish the untermenschen swine for not having perfect twitch reflexes" shit, not unlike the vehicle stages in Battletoads.
Suffice it to say that I have hangups.
I still wanna go back and try to play the og Top Gun which was not even that hard just had mechanics so inscrutable that nobody in my family could complete the very first carrier landing lol.