this post was submitted on 09 Jun 2025
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traaaaaaannnnnnnnnns
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so who is playin deltarune? i finished it through chapter 4 and now i'm gonna get both types of run in the can so i can pretend i'm not back to waiting a year for the next part. how bout those new secret bosses? how bout that damn
spoiler
roaring knight?
it's nice to have parts of this game be as hard as sands undertale.
also, susie is my favorite, she's precious, everyone drop your favorite susie moments in the comments
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spoiler
I went to pride with my girlfriend this weekend and we had a great time! We met some folks from a trans org, and we're hoping to get involved in their like social/community aid nights :3
Accidentally started thinking this morning, how about we don't do that
One of these days I'll finally quit this bad habit 
Im going to make today a good day! 
Journalposting below
Ran some cardio, did my injection for the week, and now Im off to shave my whole body
yayayay you go girl 
Started the day off with some self care, exercise, and friday rice for brekky!
gulag
Everyday is friday when you have friday rice
friday rice on a sunday? 
healthcare woes
finally got healthcare again only to notice i'm missing a surgery appointment. gave 'em a call and "oh uh we're not scheduling for ffs anymore because we don't have anyone who does it". interesting! because the surgeon who was supposed to do it still works there. he's even still on the trans healthcare page of the website. but according to the person i spoke to, for the few months they've been working they haven't had anyone on staff doing ffs. gee i sure do wonder what happened 
cis oopsie
Had a surgeon go "sawwwy my plastic surgery license has just expired and I frogor to renew :(" on me. For orchiectomy.
happens all the time i'm sure!
"aw fuck! i can't do brain surgery today, i forgot to update my scuba license!" fr though that is so insulting, i'm sorry that happened. i swear doctors really think we're dumb as dogshit and half as valuable
bit idea: guy whose kink is going to orgies and being ignored by everyone
cuck throne
My enjoyment of the "my adventures with superman" probably peaked at brat twink Mr. Myxplitx if I'm being real. The show is now doing "is he really a good guy?" every thing media does with the strawman people cropping up who we are supposed to hate. Don't even feel a need to spoil it with how played out this story line is.
Im gonna miss working with children. They're so adorable, babies, toddlers, little kids, big kids, teens. Maybe Ill go back or focus on the peds population one day.
tiny humans
Just woke up and my devious plan worked 
i still get dysphoric a lot
but come to think of it, it used to be way, way worse before transitioning
so that problem has gotten better for me, actually. this is weird to think about for me for some reason
I used to get dysphoric, I mean I still do, but I used to, too.
have grown very tired of my typical pasta + lentils/chickpeas recipe so gonna have to find a different way to flavor it besides tomatoes. maybe pesto?
Also i think i've just grown super bored of the typical italian sofrito + tomato base + oregano/thyme/bay leaf because i use it for basically every meal cause it's cheap as hell and tasty. But I barely even taste it anymore. It's about time to rotate spices I think lol
Maybe it's time for a curry phase?
May I talk to you about our lord and saviour five spice powder
I had a very sad dream about my old cat. She was in a puddle, mewing pathetically, sick maybe? Its just a dream but still, I cried
I'm sorry to hear the few times I dreamt of my cat Rosa had been when I felt I was losing my way and she'd show up to save me.
sad shit/similiar to what you wrote
we had to put her down because of her kidney failure last year, she just kept getting weaker and weaker her last days. We did manage to all be around her when it happened at least and we all grieved
Every time she appeared in my dreams other than the first time she was a tiger pretty much. The first time I dreamt of her I remember I had to carry her somewhere far away and I knew I had to prepare myself by becoming healthy. I those dreams gave me the motivation to go all in in looking after my health.
lonely
Irl friend who I wanted to hang out with this week, didn't happen. I don't know when I'll see her next. She said she wanted to and hasn't been working, I offered to pay... how doesn't that happen :/
Online friend who I asked to use my name. Haven't talked since. It was awkward and I didn't like it anyway. There just is no way for someone to refer to me I'm comfortable with. That's why I haven't told my irl friend my name.
I have been drifting from my other online friends too. Nothing like it used to be. That's (largely) my fault for never having anything to say. Another consequence of the pain.
Maybe I'm just not cut out for other people. I feel broken. Also, to make this all worse, I've really been wishing I had a partner recently. I know that can't really happen now but I want.
cw: sex, butt stuff
Well, first time bottoming (anal) didn't exactly work out. We couldn't really get it in, although I didn't expect to take much more than the head so that's okay. All my toys are tapered, and I don't really know how to take a rounded head.
spoiler
Could so some pre-work with the toys to loosen you up to the appropriate size, and it should be okay
spoiler
God bless bottoms for all the work they have to do to have sex
also
Poppers are truly a wonder, making things easier and fun (don't combine with Viagra or Cialis)
weight cycling shit
lost a bunch of weight. got down to 190 pounds, and my pants all felt like they were about to fall off. I went from a size 14 to what felt like a size 12. I put a bunch of that weight back on, at about 204 pounds now, and my pants still feel pretty loose. idk if this is supposed to happen with weight cycling or what. or if i even had a point to this post other than "damn i'm getting more girl shaped i guess"
No kings day, smdh what about the short kings huh? Yeah that's right height discrimination is all to real and when they can finally get a day to themselves all the tall people are like "uh actually we abolished the monarchy"
We're keeping the short kings in cold storage for when the world is a better place
The world will only keep getting bigger as time passes and these short kings will stay golden
I'm like 3 episodes in my adventures with superman, mostly started it since I saw they made Mr Mxypltyx a twink, really they made everyone a twink here and that's alright cool even. Just feeling sleepy now
vent, meds, mh
So exhausted. So overwhelmed. So empty. All from nothing. Still unemployed. Living situation deteriorated. I just... I cant anymore. And ive been here before. So i know that I will. But i just cant. The fear. The anxiety. The paranoia. Non of it rooted in reality. The hunger. The disgust at food. The horror of meds. Ive been on them and off them and on them and off them. Different every time. Never right. Always never enough or too much. Im not on them right now. The only thing that addresses my (mild?) impulsivity is crippling anxiety that keeps me from doing anything. No one will help with the impulsivity because its hidden behind the anxiety. So they do the anxiety stuff. But then cant control my actions. I spend. And spend and spend and spend. I went off my meds when i started looking at used cars (cannot afford car rn) and ordering takeaway/delivery every day. Id rather have the crippling anxiety and constant low grade depression with occasional crashes into deep depressive episodes than blow everything and end up on the street. But now im back in the nothingness. Theres just... Nothing.
spoiler cw si Cant i just be free? Cant i just leave? Cant i be done with this. I dont want to be here. Every day is painful. Or joyous. But then the joy leaves and the pain says hey you took a respite lets hit you extra hard now. :::
burnout, non-personhood, doomer
Through my life ive burned out a few times. First i tried to head-down-power-through it (that went well). Then i tried ignoring it and just scaling back a little (also went well). Then the last couple times ive just stopped earlier than i needed to in order to avoid the really bad-bad effects of burnout. But the one constant has been that every time ive dealt with burnout, ive never recovered my same level of functionality that i had before. Im effectively nonfunctional at this point. Im not even really a person. And i dont want to be. Im a NEET and have been for almost two years. Im immensely privilidged. And i see people who could do more with my resources. Who could actually live. Who would be able to get back on their feet. Im so thankful, but part of me just wants to send every drop of money in my bank acct to someone better than myself. Someone who could actually use it to live a life thats not constant pain. My body is trash. My brain is fucked. My heart is broken. I dont want to be here anymore. Im trying to start applying for jobs again, but who would hire someone who randomly gets laid up for weeks at a time with depressive episodes? How can I even begin moving forward? Ive failed my family, my friends, my roommates... There is no redemption that Im capable of doing.
cw si
My current plan is to just go as long as I can, and once the resources are all used up, take a walk to the bridge.
Is this what giving up looks like?
*huggies*
Day 3 of trying to find my god damn nail polish remover, I got this real nice pink nail polish that I wanna use and the confidence to use it openly now but this bottle I put somewhere is just out of my reach. It is nice being gnc no one really cares or and most people are pretty supportive. I still sometimes feel the reflexive hid my hands thing but I'm over coming that and being more confident in my presentation.
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