Sorry to hear this comrade. I don't know what to say, so maybe sharing a sentiment will help in some way -
I lost a number of friends in 2023 for, well, lots of reasons. Most bridges seem to irreparably burned. While I dunno why the MH comm stopped you from posting, im glad youre talking about it. For me, when im not doing the best, I shut down and wall myself off. So it's encouraging to see you being candid.
Sending all the love in the world