I smoked a cigarette last weekend 😳 I quit like 6 months ago when I started hormones. I am not getting any cravings thankfully it does seem like I kicked rhe physical habit but my god I love cigs still lol

edit: I still feel some of these ways kinda but over all I'm feeling much better right now. A little depression nap goes a long way sometimes.

I feel like such a fake

It feels like some sort of mental barrier broke down last week, and now I'm able to fully see and appreciate all the progress I've made

Now I actually like looking at myself in the mirror! I've been smiling much more than usual as well, I'm just really happy c:

So I'm kinda wanting to try a new haircut that's longer then what I have.

Problem. I don't like sideburns or hair over my ears. I also feel like my hair in general looks pretty bad (too "poofy" I guess). So uh, what should I tell the hairstylist? Can I just like say that and they'll understand or am I being conflicting in what I want? Is there some kind of haircut (that won't look weird for a guy to wear as I don't really want anyone asking questions) that I should look at/ask for?

I have basically always hated/neglected my hair and just gotten it cut short every now and again so it wouldn't bug me :ohnoes:

Yes I'm being picky, I just hope not too picky that it's impossible.

god i love women so much it's unreal

I want to try only allowing myself a dysphoria post after I've accomplished something in coding. Currently, I'm putting together a portfolio so I can start applying for jobs. I can't let myself forget that this is my goal and I actually like doing it! I don't want to get so lost in my dysphoria, but I also can't pretend it's not there

I turned [age] in the last [period of time] and while I did have a lovely birthday, I felt like a failure for letting a year go by while not having a plan to fix my dysphoria situation. That's stuck with me a lot. I won't have this situation resolved when I turn [age + 1] next year, but I want to look back and say I got absolutely everything else in order - job, creative stuff, life

Maybe I can't see a path forward right now, but I'm going to try my best to trust that it exists and that I will find it. I grieve my body and what's happened on level that's hard to put to words, but this can't be where everything ends

came out to one of my last good RL friends from back in the day felt really awesome

going to see her later this week and don't really have anything to mask anymore

slowly educating my parents for the inevitable. they're shitlibs and misguided my mom sounds like a TERF sometimes but honestly she's just clueless. like she supports trans kids but is weird about transfemmes. she was like "look at these people i work with on facebook and their wedding"

and i was like "looks like a nice lesbian wedding"

and she goes "but that's a guy!"

"no it's two women"

"but she has a penis!" (i was impressed how she didn't misgender after i said that. shitlib not chud)

"yeah it's a woman with a penis so what"

and that was the end of that. need more time. still got 6 mos to a year before i get this rolling

I recently remembered in high school that a friend of mine gave me (and no one else) a 4 CD "mix tape" with hand drawn art. They're now a trans woman. But wait I think, they're exclusively lesbian. And then I look at what I've got going on now and was like "oh, yeah I guess that also makes sense".

t girl progress: i see a girl in the mirror now, sort of. i don't really look like a girl but i can see myself as one now :). can't wait to get around to lasering my facial hair off

A little late but had a good Mother’s Day; got messages from my siblings and parents, Dad apologized for last year (father’s fay instead of mother’s), went for a walk around town. Also got my HRT refill.

In other news, still no update regarding SRS.. 😣

goddamn it i want to give up, i’ve known that i’m trans for years and i’ve been on hrt for over two but i still don’t feel like a woman

i have failed. i couldn’t be a man and now i’m failing at trying to be a woman

i want to go back, not because i want to be a man but because it’s easier, but i know that’s not possible. i’m too far into this shit for it to be easy to go back

but i’ve really been considering soft-detransitioning recently, just staying on hrt but doing nothing else and just introducing myself as my dead name to people. it’s so tempting to try and live an easier life but i know it won’t work, i know i won’t be happy, i know i won’t be comfortable

i’m stuck with no way out and seemingly no way to be happy with myself, whether i keep going forwards or try and go back, i will never escape myself

It's funny, ze/zir is basically a letter off from ze/hir and yet it still feels like there's a mile of difference to me.

(Admittedly a lot of it has to do with the fact that "hir" feels a bit too close to "her" for me)