This isn't really reflected in the attitudes of people I meet, which makes me think it's mostly a media thing appealing to old, middle-class boomers, but it still makes me want to go into perma stealth.

"If ever there is a total freedom of dress, then the effeminate people will connect with female society, just as the man-women will befriend the so-called stronger sex. When there is no longer a dress code, the woman-man will grow into the feminine and be attracted by the man-woman, because by nature both feel right for each other, he as a woman and she as a man, and they will live as happily together as any normal married couple of today.
[...]
"But if two get married, one of whom is a woman-man and one a man-woman, then he is the feminine and she is the masculine part, and they will be happy; for, no matter what the sex is, emotionally they still are, indeed, opposite sexes, just as nature made them."

"I am convinced that when a boy becomes 8 or 10 years of age and shows preference for girls' clothing, girls' work, and girls' games, then the mother, for the benefit of the child, should let him have free choice. The boy is, then, namely, only sexually a male, but mentally a female, and when such children are raise according to their feelings, then they are so much happier than when people punish them, mock them, or even abuse them to produce boyishness.
"But, if he is raised as a girl, then he will lose all doubt and wil become more stable in his girlishness, so that he then never will ever want to become a man; if he is forced to behave as a boy, then he will feel destroyed and will yearn for the time when he can make a living as a maid or something like that.
[...]
"I will agree that up to the fifth year, perhaps, many children can still be raised in their sex, but then mostly not, and if the girlish characteristics appear much stronger than the boyish ones, then it is much better for the child to be raise according to its mental sex."

Here's my thought that may have just gotten confirmed by the blood test I received: Spiro, along with E, blocks T production. However, I've also heard that when suppressed by E, the body can convert some T to E. So, having just gotten my results, my E tanked. How this happened with such a small dose decrease, I have no idea. Is the spiro really to blame for this? Probably not. My body works in very confusing ways though, and this test proves it. Last time, my E was at 498 pg/mL. Too high, even for mono-therapy, but they started me off at a pretty low dose (5mg EV injection), so it's weird. I think maybe I tested a bit early last time, and I tried doing it at the end of the week this time to get a better reading, and would you look at that, on the lower dose (4mg EV injection) my E is at 161 pg/mL, which is now too low.

This has transformed from Spiro rants into a full-on confusion crisis about my HRT. Should I have done it in the middle of the week again? Was I wrong to do the test on the day of my injection, before I did the injection? If it has been lower, what does that mean about my experience? How does that affect development, both physically and mentally? There's many more I could probably write and ask myself, but seeing the results, and going through the thought process, I asked myself if I was really trans? I am of course, I literally wrote before that I felt like I was looking more masculine, but my mind is still doing great, other than the excessive strain of a large workload I'm on a roll. I don't have my T levels yet, but maybe HRT was less of a factor in my feelings than I thought it was. I had always given it more attribution for how I was feeling mentally, when maybe I should have given myself more credit.

Either way, I'm scared to see my T results now. Then again, I feel a bit better knowing that the feeling of things slowing down has kind of been validated. That better feeling is then replaced with more anxiety because how did this happen, and how will this impact development further down the line?

EDIT: Doc says this is totally fine . I'm going to have to wait for my T results, but idk if I trust that.

well i was at that low point until i started talking to someone and one day she invited me to this charity event that i cross-dressed in. her friends, that i had known but not really connected with before, helped me get ready and they made me feel so fucking pretty omg. i never forgot that, it was the best night i'd had in a really long time (even if my friends laughed at the pictures when they saw them). well, full of anxiety i asked that girl out and she said yes. we dated for 10 months or so and i think the whole time i was living vicariously through her - "while boys can't go to girls hangouts and help do girl things, boyfriends can" kinda mentality. the break up was kinda expected but losing that group of people that actually cared about me was really tough.

there was quite a bit of repression after that but i'll save that for another rant lol

anyways, thank god for . i'm sad that it took me a while to figure out but i'm glad it happened when it did