Didn't have a chance to write up a detailed post, either on a fruit or the topic I was originally thinking about. I think they're neat and they taste good.
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dysphoria raving, doomer shit
Did I permanently fuck my brain by deciding not to look at myself for years?So many girlies make posts like “X months on estrogen and I can finally see(or start to see) a girl in the mirror.” Or “I can actually stand to look at myself because I can see the changes that are happening.”
I feel like if I look in the mirror after all this time and don’t see a cis woman it’s jover, not that I can be sure my brain would even acknowledge I pass if I did with my potential BDD.
There is a really cynical part of me that thinks estrogen isn’t “magic” and all the baby trans will eventually be bitter and disappointed like me when that reality hits.
But I’m hoping I am just mentally ill and delusional.
response:
spoiler
I don't think you've done anything permanent, I did pretty much the same thing for close to two decades. Looking back on photos I looked miserable and barely recognize myself in them still. That said I don't think I'd 'pass' if it was under scrutiny, but the estrogen isn't to blame for that, it's more skill issue on my part.This really shouldn't be the goal, but remember that cis women can have things like PCOS. I see mostly cis women when I go to get electrolysis done for example. If the goal is blending in you probably fit in better than you think, and even cis women can fail to 'pass' with the unrealistic standards at play.
spoiler
I dunno, I ain't a baby trans and I like how I look and estrogen did do a lot for me. I don't think the trans narrative ends in inevitable heartbreak like you've suggested. I'm not saying I woke up one day and looked like a cis woman, I still get misgendered. It's very black and white thinking to suppose that unless one "looks cis" (whatever that means, I would interrogate what you consider the feminine archetype and think on its racist and patriarchal roots) then HRT is a failure. Plenty of my cis woman coworkers don't "look cis."Also you've talked about passing plenty of time you silly goose :p You're short, you get passing points off being such a short girl.
spoiler
HRT is just one part of transition and there's a lot more to be done. I'm in a similar boat to you where I've been on e for almost 3 years but I haven't really done anything else so I don't look like a woman to myself in the mirror, but I'm hoping that I eventually willIt's a long nebulously process that goes smoothly for some people and very rough for others, it's just luck of the draw (and also money, it goes soooo much easier if you've got money)
Estrogen isn't magic, is pretty good but not magic. And a lot of trans people do end up becoming disappointed, but that's just something to work past. Or at least I hope, idk I'm pretty doomer about shit but I've been trying to turn my perspective around recently. There's a lot of other shit to do besides just hrt. Like weight cycling, voice training, makeup, exercise, etc
Really voice is super important, it's often the "tie-breaker" if your androgynous and someone is trying to gender you. I should take my own advice thought and voice train, it fucking sucks doing but it needs to be done
magic
The way I see it, HRT is magic but what it doesn't do is make you someone else. The latter part is what I see many people (including myself) struggle with. I used to hang out in voice training communities a lot and see so many people say "I seem to be doing fine and other people like my voice but to me it still sounds like the old me, what am I doing wrong", which seems absurd if you really think about it. Of course you are going to sound like yourself and, similarly, you are going to retain some physical features the "old you" used to have. You are you after all and not someone else, and there is nothing right or wrong about that, that's just how it be.So when someone says (again including myself) that they will never look like a "cis woman", I invite them to question where they got the idea of what this mythical "cis woman" is supposed to look like and realise that this idea is fundamentally built from images of other people. The real worry, then, is expanding this idea to include yourself (if yourself wants to be a cis woman anyway) and HRT happens to help with that a lot.
spoiler
This has probably had a bad effect on you, but it's not permanent. If you did it yourself, then it can be undone. No part of your brain is just locked into that perception.
I'm not going to give you the usual "what actually is a cis woman?" thing. I know you've heard it, and it makes you feel dismissed. What I will say is that holding yourself to that standard is only going to keep hurting you. You're right that there's no amount of HRT that's going to make you see a woman in the mirror. That's an internal change.
I know you also don't like to be told to seek therapy, so maybe there are some therapy-adjacent things you can do to work on your self perception. If you really do have BDD, that's going to take work to resolve. It won't just go away either.
To be honest, girl, I think you've really made strides this year, and I think you're just going to keep growing. Hoping you get through this phase soon ❤️