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Cw vent.
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Was hanging with some people tonight and I got misgendered... again. It really feels like it happens constantly, and from people I've had many interactions with. Even when I'm wearing super femme clothing, it's happening. The only people who see me are other trans people. Frankly idk if I made a mistake. This used to not hurt me as bad but now it is. It feels like I'm making no progress. The only positive here is that I can look at myself in the mirror. But like... I just don't exude "Woman". I wish I did. Bit I really seem to not. It's just frustratingネタバレ
Since they're people you seem to hang with relatively often, why not let them know how much it hurts you? People are generally open to altering their behavior for people they spend time around. Sure, not everyone is, but it can't hurt. At least if they're little shits about it, you can tell them to piss off.And you didn't make a mistake. Always keep in mind why you started on this path to begin with. Don't lose sight of the end goal. Just because you're not where you want to be now doesn't mean that you won't be there someday. After all, I think a lot of us forget that HRT takes a godsdamned long time to do its thing. Even I, at almost 22 months along, still haven't seen all that much fat redistribution. It will come, but it might take a couple more years for me. You got this. Just keep strong.
So i did get an apology from the person and i legit forgive her. But liek, it still doesnt change the fact that this is how im seen. Im just seen as a guy, probably by everyone. I get he/him'd when im in makeup and wearing a dress. I think it's just my vibe or something idk. Im more masculine than i see myself in my head. It is what it is.
And as for the reason i transitioned. It's a bit tough because I'm only now kinda coming to the realization that I have some form of OCD. This is super confusing because I've had intrusive thoughts and anxieties my entire life. And I've had a lot of self realization s that all feel the same at the beginning- they feel like anxiety. I've had multiple of these where like, I thought I was mentally handicapped, I thought I was gay (I am gay In a Bi way, and I figured that out, so I was kinda right), I thought I was a psychopath (I'm not but I couldn't get it out of my head).
Then I thought I was trans (I think I am..) I have had more of these that I know are false but like, it throws any ability to do self realization out the window because I can't trust my own brain, wants, feelings, etc. Like, what if being trans was just an intrusive thought and I ran with it? It could be that being cis is my actual obsession that I can't get out of my head, I deeply am afraid that I am cis, but like also everyone around me just ends up seeing me as a guy, so maybe they're right? Its all so confusing. I just want my brain to calm down :(
Repeatedly questioning one's sexual orientation/gender identity is a common OCD theme. Throughout high school I was terrified that I wasn't actually bi and I was just a straight person imagining it for attention. I also had a period where I was scared that I wasn't really trans (a very cis thought to have, of course.) I totally understand how OCD can just mess with your brain and make things confusing. It's something that I think is really not discussed enough with OCD — the loss of identity one can feel from just the volume and intensity of it all. I believe in you though, and things won't always be this way.
Yeah I've been trying to identify ego dystonic feelings to identify what is OCD and what isn't (this only works so much though because the more I think about it the more I can't identify what's real and what isnt).
But I definitely am way more scared I'm cis than I am scared that I'm gonna have to continue living as a trans woman. Like I want to live as a trans woman, I want to be a woman. My fears are really that I'm not going to be able to for whatever reason and then I'll have to detransition. Which is a pretty trans fear to have also. Like it would be logistically way easier for me to be cis and live as a cis man forever. The world would be set up for me.
Yeah, it really messes with you like that. If you find yourself ruminating a lot on your thoughts, it might be a mental compulsion; of course idk your specific brain experience though, I'm just speaking from my own. I'm really sorry that you're experiencing all of this rn and I hope things get better soon
Rumination is my main compulsion, as well as obsessively researching and Googling to sooth my fears. Usually when I get stuck in these loops I am stuck for 3-5 hours before I can pull myself out :(
And yeah its a process I really hope so too though :/
Relatable. I was much more wrong about my sexuality for like a decade (and it wasn't just assuming I was hetero either) before realizing I was wrong. Definitely makes me more hesitant to believe myself or tell others about my gender or sexuality. Can also relate to worrying about whether I might be a psychopath, but generally just assumed it was an autism thing and now realizing it was probably more of a dissociation thing.
Hopefully you can learn to trust yourself and get to where you want with presentation.