years later in the future I can look back and see just what that poor, sad egg was thinking and it's both touching and painful to look back on those memories with the confusion lifted. What that girl was feeling was intense, acute dysphoria and had no idea

sometimes the memories just flood back out of nowhere when a simple little thing triggers that memory again. Even just an ASMRtist i enjoyed listening to years ago brings some of the memories back because i thought she was so pretty and it hurt and i didn't know why

i can't really bring myself to even watch her content anymore

About a month ago I switched from prescribed estradiol patches to DIY injections. This didn't happen purely on a whim, the clinic I get my prescription from abruptly canceled GAC for all patients, even adults, right after I picked up my last prescription. They did reverse this decision pretty quickly, but at the time (and a bit before it happened, and even now) I had in my mind that I couldn't and shouldn't rely on institutional channels to get HRT because of the people currently in charge of the US federal government. So luckily I bought a bit of DIY injectable estradiol and injection supplies in time before my prescription ran out. I was on patches for about 3 months up to this point.

As I said, I switched about 3, almost 4 weeks ago, and things were fine for the first, let's say 2.5 weeks. I felt about the same as I did on patches, maybe even a bit better. But about a week ago I noticed my libido, which had been pretty low on patches, started to increase. Initially I though it was just the "girl horny" that comes with being on estradiol, that maybe it could even be a sign that injections really are better than patches. But it's persisted over a week later, and I feel like it's fucked with my mental/emotional state much more than being on all natural home grown T for decades did. No matter how much I try to "satisfy" the urges it's always there in the background. And for better or worse being like this for such an extended period unearthed old trauma. One thing I'll say is that chest pain is mostly gone, which I think means it's lower?

i feel like the social world is behind a pane of glass. something happened to me when i was young or maybe when i was older that gave me this insurmountable mountain of crap i have to carry around everywhere, and it makes social interactions not just difficult because i have trouble reading cues but in a lot of ways entirely impossible without a trusted person there to help keep me steady because as soon as the vibes get even a bit off, i am 100% flight response.

ive been in therapy for a number of months now, and i think i've made some progress, but its also just so frustrating knowing that any time i feel insecure for any reason, my life will basically have to stop while i have compassion for and "give space to" all the damaged and traumatized parts of myself and to do all the other shit i've been taught. i've lost hours of sleep to being up in the middle of the night trying to do this, i've called in sick over it. my partners have to put up with hours of my whining and crying about the slightest thing and all the anxiety i face when i feel like i've done something wrong.

part of me wonders what the point of even trying is, really. why do i bother trying to put myself out there, to make friends, to have relationships at all, if one awkward moment can make me turtle up for days/weeks/months? i remove myself from spaces because it hurts to see how easy it is for other people. i can watch but i can't put myself out there because its so much effort to even try that the moment is gone by the time i finally can and also i just don't want people to have to put up with someone so damaged because i don't have much to give back, really, since i dont have a lot of capacity.

edit: thinking on this more, i think that i've long seen myself as a student of human relationships from the outside. i used to be fascinated by neural networks when i was young, hoping i could code myself a friend. jesus, that's bleak. almost as bleak as what passes for "AI" these days

i think the impression i give off is cold and aloof these days to people that don't know me. if you tried to start a conversation with me and i didn't respond or engage, i'm sorry, its not you, its the monkey on my back.

i've met a few people on this site who were so welcoming and so immediately kind and good to me and i just want you to know that i appreciate all of you, i hope you know who you are and if you don't maybe someday soon i'll name names.

i feel like someone cut me in half at some point, and the two halves of me mutated into one anxious/clingy part and one flighty/resentful part, and you think they'd cancel each other out but instead they just fight and fight and its so exhausting that i just want to bury myself in some kind of distraction or maybe just give up entirely on having relationships of any kind with people.

i hate to admit how much of a relief it can be to just cut and run when i feel overwhelmed or i'm hurting (i should say that nearly all the time the hurt is from my trauma, not people being mean to me. in fact i have a problem in the opposite direction where i seek approval from/enjoy being treated poorly by people, but maybe that's a post for another day), but the only explanation that makes sense is that just existing socially is overwhelming to me.

i dream of a time or maybe a place or maybe an internal state where i feel like there's not an ocean between me and other people. where we can make silly jokes and talk about things we like. where i don't feel like i need people more than they need me; where there's a balance of give and take. and i want to feel like i know what to say or what to do when someone is struggling, to somehow lessen their pain, and to feel like they're lessening mine, too.

i want to believe in people again, and i wish i had the energy to try.