My ~~knit~~ crocheted panda is looking a lot more odd and scruffy than the stuff my sister makes, but that's okay, he's mine and I love him 
this post was submitted on 06 Jan 2025
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traaaaaaannnnnnnnnns
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Trans Megathread for the Week of 2025-01-06 to 2025-01-12 - Children of Time by Adrian Tchaikovsky
(hexbear.net)
Children of Time is a 2015 science fiction novel by Adrian Tchaikovsky.
In the distant future, humanity seeks to create new habitats for itself on distant planets, terraforming them and seeding them with life. Dr. Avrana Kern is heading one such project, orbiting the tentatively named "Kern's World", where the plan is to release monkeys 
infected with a nanovirus that will accelerate their evolution. Through an act of sabotage from an anti-technology group that has also destroyed much of Earth, the monkeys are never released, and the virus instead infects a species of spider, Portia labiata. The book follows the evolution of the spiders and their eventual civilisation, as well as a remnant of humanity that fled to Kern's World hoping to find paradise.
also children of ruin and children of memory, the sequels, are really good
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put some effort into painting my nails instead of just throwing on a quick layer like i normally do. did base coat, 2 coats black, then shiny top coat, just took my time at it while i was installing new linux on my laptop, it was relaxing. starting to think it's kinda worth the effort, they look really nice and shiny and will take longer to chip off.
anxiety, dysphoria
hate when i'm waiting for my meds to get delivered, gives me like a creeping undergrowth of anxiety constantly prodding at the back of my brain. i've been diy for long enough now i know they'll get here, i know i'm not gonna run out, but every time i take my meds i'm like compulsively counting pills and it's like there's a blaring countdown playing in my head - " ~~13~~ ~~12~~ ~~11~~ 10 days until your soul gets ripped out again." really gotta get a pcp again, even just dealing with this once every few months is too much.
That reminds me i need to read the 3rd book in the children of time series
Still feel self conscious enough to stop my self from using feminine mannerisms around other people, but now it comes with guilt over not asserting myself π«
my cool nailsAghhhhghghhghgghg just sent a text asking someone on a date. Hhhhhhgggggggg I'm not good at this
Update: they are not interested in me like that
Now I am sad
alone with my thoughts for the first time since November because all my podcasts took the week off
yapping about dysphoria, I don't actually know if this is coherent
Shaving takes so much work. And as much as I guess it's for me, like, it bugs me that I've been prioritizing self-care, self-reflection, self-exploration essentially since COVID and it hasn't had the desired affect of me becoming more of someone that people naturally want to be friends with.
I thought working on myself would demonstrate value or something, like my classmates at the time would see that and want to help. That's what I did for them, I would help if I thought someone needed it. Maybe I'm overthinking the concept of attracting or manifesting, or whatever. Like, I don't know if I understand what makes people want to stay in touch, I don't think that's an emotion that has been directed towards me. I don't know if I register socially, like I'm not viewed as someone who can be invited out for pizza, or texted,, or whatever.
But I can put zero effort in, go a week without shaving, wear sweats. Or I can moisturize, style my hair, and pick out all kinds of jewelry. I feel as though I'm overlooked, regardless of how I try to present. I just keep wondering at what point I can have, point blank, the conversations I want to have.
I often wish I were a woman, but I also don't think I know a goddamn thing about women, but ALSO know it's not great to be like "women are a separate category that confuses me" internally. So I somehow feel invalid no matter how I approach this.
I think I'll feel this way until a member of the local LGBTQ+ community catches me in a big cartoonish net because I see no way to solve everything about myself on my own. I think I'm at the natural endpoint of being a man, lmao
I feel like I'm caught in some sort of Ouroboros where my problems just keep feeding each other. I wish I could just like, see what happens in the minds of well adjusted people. I wish I could load a save where I already have someone who is gonna notice if I disappear or am not doing well.
I truly feel like if I were able to explain the exact intricacies of what I'm discovering to be a Russian Nesting Doll of trauma to someone, that person would be compelled to help. I keep saying this, but please talk me down if I'm talking crazy. I want to be told that I'm an idiot if these things are stupid. To let me sit in the wrongness for this long is unfair.
spoiler
It really is a lot of work.
I don't think that's a correct expectation to have. I don't think most people would pay attention to like, your legs being shaved and think they should talk to you more. I think in general that kind of thing doesn't matter too much, I mean being attractive helps but I'm not sure the extent of it. I think what makes people want to stay in touch is them enjoying being around you, whatever that means for that person. Having a deeper connection once that is there is probably also important, how deep/personal people want to be depends a lot on the person and how they perceive you though.
Maybe you could clarify, what things about women don't you get or think are different? I haven't been friends with that many people but the biggest difference I could put a finger on is women seem more willing to talk about personal things. That kinda just tells me not to talk about personal issues with guys, its kinda good news if you want to be/friends with women in my opinion.
I personally am probably not a great person to help with trauma, although I am of course willing to listen, but I think this mega is a good place to explain it if you wanted to. Other people definitely have, and you can hopefully get input from people with experience dealing with it. Vs like talking to one particular person, maybe they aren't able to help. Especially if its gender related, honestly can't imagine trying to get the majority of my support on gender stuff from cis people irl.
I don't think you're an idiot or crazy. I think it'd be good for you to expand on some of what you've said, even if you aren't 100% able to communicate your feelings or if they aren't the "right" way to think about things.
I don't think most people would pay attention to like,
spoiler
Outing myself as a weirdo who does notice when people make small changes, I guess? I notice how someone does their hair, what accessories they have, etc.
Semi-related, but it's also like, I notice how someone walks, how the mood of the room shifts. I think to take someone only for what they say is to ignore a lot about who they are. There's a lot that happens in an interaction before you speak.
I think what makes people want to stay in touch
spoiler
Yeah, the people I thought of as my closest friends essentially wanted space but wouldn't tell me that. So I don't know if I fully believe people when they say they want to talk, or let's stay in touch. What you're describing works great, assuming you aren't being lied to. If I could trust that someone who said "let's stay in touch" was actually going to try and stay in touch with me, then things would be different.
I think of "interest" and "care" as being passive or active. There's passive interest or care, "I'll listen to you if you show up" "You can always talk to me about that" or active interest or care, "I'll check in if you don't show up", "Last time we talked about this. How's that going?" If you're passive, you wait for their problems to come up. If you're active, you see how the other person is doing with their problems.
what things about women don't you get or think are different
gender
I have never known guys to like, want to talk about things. Guys sit there and are like "oh, huh." Guys don't ask questions, they don't express interest beyond grunts. Like, I told my closet guy friend last time we visited I wanted to be more open, and he got super uncomfortable. We haven't talked since. We might still be close..? We might!
That's what being a guy is.
Women seem to just be more willing to relate. Women are more willing to express themselves honestly, tell friends how much they care or when they're being dumb. Stick up for each other in real ways, more than empty platitudes. Men want to acknowledge your problem and for if to go away the next time they see you.
Men want to talk about things in their line of vision, and not much else. I understand men to avoid talking about feelings that they haven't settled within themselves. I feel like women care more about helping and supporting one another. Men are programmed to abandon one another.
I don't think that I think that women have it figured out, but there's so much about being socialized as a guy that makes me feel invalid in having emotions and desires and expressing them and wanting that from my friendships. I literally am like, "oh, I'm a guy who means well, that means I creep women out and should never annoy them with whatever my deal is". And it's hard to ever be intimate with a limiting belief like that.
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Well my winter break is coming to an end and I must say I did not miss having to deal with Microsoft teams
1 year of HRT, let's fucking goooo!!! 
Might write a bit about it later, but the short and sweet is that estrogen fucking rocks and idk how I ever lived without it 
Good stuff :cat-trans: love to hear people's anniversaries.
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Met an autistic trans girl who programs for a railway company
dream job
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I tried speed dating and this is about how it went:
Them: Says some presumably interesting anecdote about themselves but I can't hear them
Me: "WHAT?"
repeat for two hours
What if we had speed dating but itβs where you take speed before going on a date
Ah the Vyvanse dating circuit
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