Posting late on a sunday night in an old mega as a bit
traaaaaaannnnnnnnnns
Welcome to /c/traaaaaaannnnnnnnnns, an anti-capitalist meme community for transgender and gender diverse people.
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WEBRINGS:
๐ณ๏ธโโง๏ธ Transmasculine Pride Ring ๐ณ๏ธโโง๏ธ
โฌ ๏ธ Left ๐ณ๏ธโโง๏ธ๐ณ๏ธโ๐ Be Crime Do Gay Webring ๐ณ๏ธโโง๏ธ๐ณ๏ธโ๐ Right โก๏ธ
How do I tell my hairstylist that I want this haircut without showing them this image of a dog girl?
CW: Depression, dysphoria
I have been so godsdamned depressed the last few days that is stemming from some extreme dysphoria that I've been feeling with. And yes, regardless of after having had top and bottom surgery, I am capable of becoming dysphoric. I don't feel genuine. I feel fake. Without having had those experiences I missed on growing up, I feel that I will always be on the outside looking in regardless of what I do. I always see these ciswomen whose experiences I could never emulate and it just kills me on the inside. Yay. I have a vagina, I have breasts, but I'll never have those experiences. It depresses the hell out of me and it is draining the will to live out of me. I hate it so much. Couple that with feeling of not being capable of fitting in with any trans communities for a multitude of reasons. Further couple that with the crushing depression that's on and off since my divorce and I just fucking hate life right now. yay
I tried playing marvel rivals with some friends and its kinda fun, but also reminded me why I stopped playing those types of games: so many people who can't take a loss without getting insanely mad The absurdity of it is kinda funny when it happens, but it creates such a negative environment where i don't want to spend that much time tbh
i hate microsoft if you didn't know cw: dysphoria
me: searching Microsoft Teams for a message.
Teams: includes "[deadname] (You) - message" in the results, despite my name being changed in the system and legally for 3 months.
yes, thank you microsoft for giving us pronoun flairs, that only me and like one enby in the company even use lol, but could you not deadname me? you are valued at 3.16 trillion USD and you can't amend (or can't be fucked amending) my name within a system you have almost complete control of. sometimes i see my deadname email flicker before being replaced with my new one and i can understand why they might have my old email but why are you storing my deadname???? is my legal name just a display name??
i'm soooo fucking glad microsoft successfully abused their market power to eradicate slack and make us use this steaming pile of bland corpo dogshit. i throw up a little everytime i hear that fucking teams ping, i reaaaally want to quit just because of our dependence on this repugnant company
i know this comes off a bit trivial, i'm privileged to have an office job. but it gives off the same vibe as my birth certificate having "previously known as [deadname]", both constant reminders that i'll never be just me but me who used to be someone else and that shit sucks
called the college LGBTQ center
left a voicemail
if this truly is a solo journey then i have to accept that i have nobody. it's just me. it might always be just me.
sad, misgendering, deadnaming, family shit
call one relative I'm out to on the phone to catch up and vent because she was concerned and knows I've been struggling lately
deadnamed and misgendered like 6 times and talked over repeatedly
I don't know why I bothered tbh
She's "the good one" and the rest of the family would probably be worse if I ever bother to come out to them
I think the best idea is to just work on myself and my transition and maybe someday show up to something like nothing happened and act like they're weird for not recognizing me and then act really confused when they try calling me my deadname
At least I have cats
Does it make sense that I'm kind of hoping I've actually been infertile all along? Then I wouldn't have to be responsible about fertility preservation. It would just be a fact of life and nothing anyone can blame me for
megathread :D
Got some neat stuff thrifting
Kinda wish I could post pics because some of the clothes are really cute imo and I actually found stuff that (mostly) fit me
Found some nice gym stuff too, got a pair of fancy tech wear sweatpants that make my legs and look good
Got some cute plushies my cats have been enjoying too and a street hockey stick for playing cat hockey in the house and that's been fun
Bless whatever tall/large femme donated the shiny windbreaker and hoodie with the faux fur hood lining and sleeve cuffs, think it might be my favorite dysphoria hoodie now despite it being a little short on the torso and sleeves
Might hem it to a crop top or elbow length sleeves and wear it as a summer night kinda layer later but it's really cute imo in a "sporty goth (queer)" kinda way and I'm kinda in love with it
so cold
bad mental health, meltdown, alcohol
Kinda snapped last night and had a little violent meltdown and feel bad about it and embarrassed by how fucking juvenile and pathetic it was
I don't even really remember what triggered it
I ate some dinner and got drunk but not like, sloppy drunk and it was all pretty normal and like the next thing I knew something in me kinda snapped and I was out in the garage beating the shit out of a spare door that's propped up against the shelves out there absolutely raging and yelling
Bruised my hand pretty bad but I don't think I broke anything thankfully but jfc
Gonna commit to no booze now, that's never really happened to me before, I've always been more of either a "aww I love you" drunk or a maudlin kinda ruminating drunk, never an angry one and that kinda scared the shit out of me
Like, how long was that building up for? How much more shit like that is just lurking in the back of my head festering? (I know I'm a big gymrat but for the record, no, I'm not on gear, so it's not roid rage)
Idk, fuck
This shit sucks ass
I'm way too old for feeling like a ridiculous angsty teenager
Someone just called me a nerd and I don't think I can mentally recover from that
I just finished My Lesbian Experience with Loneliness after it's been sitting in my library for half a year
Aaaaaaah, I love queer people so much โค๏ธ
I love our fucked up weird little lives~
I want to huuuug you โจ
Well my winter break is coming to an end and I must say I did not miss having to deal with Microsoft teams
Richard and Mortimer was quite good for it's run, I especially like when one half of the titular characters turned themselves into a pickle. Had the series continued perhaps that scallywag Richard could have transformed some more possibly into a woman, they might have finally been happy. Alas with the cancellation by the Woke Council with the show's association with the Ronald McDonald corporation we shall never see this possibility.
mental health, social isolation sad shit, avpd probably
I really gotta get my shit together mentally and get over my "what if it doesn't go well" woe is me bullshit and reach out to my old best friend who might be the (platonic?) love of my life or soulmate or something
I miss this person so fucking much and have for years now and at some point when shit got really bad for me when covid got serious here, I just completely shut down and isolated and retreated inward mentally and have just started tiptoeing back to being "myself" but I've thought of this friend pretty much constantly since then and I know reconnecting with them would be like, the single best thing I could do for myself but it's still so scary and daunting after all this time
I thought by now I'd finally be, like, me, fully, and could reconnect as a better version of the person they loved, but I feel more weird and fucked up and unhappy with myself now than I did when we were super close irl and part of what's been preventing me from reaching back out is that feeling of shame
I wish I could be better at the very least so they could feel better about me instead of being concerned or upset at what a mess I am
Idk sorry I'm really emotional tonight
every single person who's ever protested the building of new homes because it'll lower house prices should have their house confiscated and given to someone who doesn't suck
it makes me happy whenever i see capybara in hot springs. they deserve all the love and goodness in the world
Trying to get used to drinking water again after having energy drinks being my primary mode of hydration during the winter holidays. Water kinda sucks
My pronouns... they're gone. Alright who took them from me I want my pronouns (she/her) back!
why is olympic swimming pool a measurement people use. all i know is they're big. i've never swum in one
Bunch of fashion blathering
I thought puffy head bands were the ultimate head feminizer but i have discovered barettes and ohhhh my it's so lovely.
I got a light blue dress for myself and I have just been rolling in euphoria. Today is my 6 month HRT anniversary and it's only getting stronger as i figure out more feminine combos.
It's a little weird being so old and transitioning directly into an old lady I sort of worry about not dressing my age. I don't act weird or anything though when i go out (beyond the regular autism and adhd and bipolar stuff i reckon) so im trying to be a good ambassador. My bffs say im not overdoing it ๐ค๐ป
One thing that is very difficult is how much trouble it is keeping nice clothes clean!!! I have had to rescue my new dress twice already, once from au jus splashing onto the hem and just this morning from leaning against the car bumper while getting groceries. You have to be sooooo careful at all times which i find tough as i was a slob who didn't give any fucks about myself or my appearance before.
It's so worth it when a girl compliments your dress or your outfit or makeup though i treasure that shit sooo much. I joked with my partner (who is not into it but being nice) about detransitioning and she said that she didn't believe I could if I wanted to. She said I have a woman's heart and there's no putting that genie back in the bottle. She is right of course.