i ended up self-diagnosing with adhd, seeing a psyc about it and having them prescribe meds for me (and also secretly diagnose me with several other things like OCD which i only found out about because i saw the notepad he was writing in). i stopped taking them a while after because i felt they weren't really doing anything for me, i only tried one med, though. my mental state was a wreck at that point in my life, i was with a partner who didn't understand, having regular meltdowns, and not really able to find a place that worked for me.

at the time, i thought that i might have what used to be called asperger's since i played "to the moon" and it completely wrecked my sense of self. the psyc i saw was very dismissive about this so for many years i didn't consider it, since he's a professional shrug

i'm trying to figure out what my "deal" is now, because i'm starting to struggle at work again to get things done (i manage software devs, so loots of context switching), and i'm not currently able to enjoy my leisure time and i'm not really sure why. i'm having doubts about having adhd.

i'm reading unmasking autism and i sure do relate to a lot of the "masked autism" traits but i don't want to call myself anything at this stage because i'm having trouble teasing apart what might be gender issues and trauma related to that, possible adhd, maybe asd, c-pstd even maybe (a long-time friend of mine has this + adhd and it apparently looks a lot like autism), or even a combination of them. i started seeing a counsellor (who has adhd btw, so immediately this is positive) but she's like $180 a session lol so i want to at least be prepared when i'm talking to her, with as much research done as possible beforehand and some theories.

so, naturally, i did the very normal thing of doing every test on embrace-autism.com , uh and i scored very high in pretty much all of them meant for suggesting autism, well over the threshold. but like, certainly they're not adjusting for confounding factors like being trans or having adhd (although if i'm honest i'm wondering if i was mis-reading my own symptoms back in the day... do i have trouble focusing, or is it that i take a long time to context switch, etc.)

i could seek a formal diagnosis, but well, i'm not sure what the point would be? i'm feeling very lost, like i'm a chameleon who is just adapting my own life story to fit whatever's neat at the time, like i lied to the doctor who diagnosed me, like he was wrong, it's a mess. and of course, i don't want to just get told i'm borderline lol

I think it's important to acknowledge why we developed volcel culture because the sub was a very different demographic. The trans cuties threads, for instance, was a negative example of subjecting our users to sexualization.

However, I think now that the majority of the site is queer, the conversations will likely be more positive.

We had floated some ideas like the comm having a minimum account age requirement, being request only, being text only, and banning unsolicited DMs.

Let me know your thoughts on this.

Listening to Tori Amos. Wishing I had more irl community that understand me. My friends have been accepting and also telling me about all of their gender queer feelings. Which was interesting at first but got annoying pretty quick.

I'll probably just start linking them Judith Butler instead of trying to help them sort out the gender binary.

I'd like to take my mom's middle and maiden name when I legally change it. But my mom is dodging using my name. Most recently she used my dead name. Now she just dodges. She's a liberal.

And my dad is caught up in his patriarchal bullshit. His pride injured because I didn't spend enough time with him because my trauma got triggered. Trauma that he caused. Through physical and emotional abuse while I was a child. Also a liberal but with a lot of conservative values. Most of the liberal values his liberal wife has instilled in him.

Said liberal wife seems quite skeptical of my transition. Which is kind of the impression I get from my mom too.

I hate to say it because I feel ageist, but fucking boomers.

And fuck whatever generation I am (x/millennial?) because most of my friends are more interested in exploring their own gender queer feelings than supporting my transition and how difficult it is to be out.

On the bright side my kid was cool as fuck about it. I have a lot of love for all of the queer cartoons that he grew up on.

And my little brother has been nothing but supportive. As well as his wife. Much love for trans allies.

For example, I came out to my mom this last weekend. It went great, I felt great Saturday night and most of Sunday morning. And then the thoughts start to migrate back in. "Am I really trans?" "I just look like a guy" "I think I'm being self indulgent and stupid" type shit. Plus all the hyper fixation on all the things that make me feel like a guy. It'd be nice if it would stop soon. I was enjoying vibing in skirts and being dorlypilled.

Went to a party with my gf last weekend. By 11 I was exhausted. Didn't drink. Smoked some weed but that's my usual. Girlfriend and our other friend wanted to stay out, so we didn't leave until after 2 and didn't get home until five.

I must have pulled my shoulder by staying up. I have chronic inflammation as it is but this last week it's been bad enough to wake me up at 2am. And now I'm worried that it might be an autoimmune disorder which would be aggravated by me going on estrogen and t blockers .

This weekend my girlfriend went camping and partying. I feel left out of her life. We tried scheduling date nights but I feel like I'm the only one actually interested in it and the time we tried it she felt like it was encroaching on her time to do chores and shit.

Feeling like giving up. And like I'm not really a priority in my gfs life, as much as she insists I am.

I can't work because of the pain condition and how it interacts with my mental health. And trying to get on disability has been a nightmare process that I'd have to start over because my last denial didn't show up in the mail, meaning I missed the time I could have appealed it.

So, I'm dependent on my girlfriend and I don't really feel like she understands my needs for intimacy. Intimacy to her is watching a show before bed and smoking weed, which by that time I'm already half asleep.

When my egg broke I woke her up because I was feeling so overwhelmed. And she basically was like oh that's nice and went back to bed.

School starts back up in less than a month. Not sure how I'm going to manage classes, trying to have a life otherwise, and my mental and physical health.

I see the gender clinic next Friday. Being out has brought me joy. But my fears of being attacked for being queer haven't gone away. And likely won't.

I already know VERY well that I have worse than no interest in sticking everyone's least favourite external genitalia into anything or anyone, and like oral sex is also fucking terrible. I can't really tell how okay I am with treating it like a clit, I guess. I think it's okay...? maybe?

And more generally, would I even mind having it if I could tuck at all? The most common thought I have about anything below the belt is that I need to learn to tuck.

I know it also kind of bugs me that my front is not flat when pressed against a partner, even though pressing it against stuff feels pretty good. Apply pressure. Clit is definitely vastly improved after longterm ESTROGEN WITHERING at least, like low-to-zero sex fluids is cool, but I feel weird and undecided about it I guess.

I have no desire to recieve re: insertive sex, now or ever, and I can't even really picture how that would feel with a vag honestly, bad interroception again. It almost feels weird to imagine myself with different anatomy, but I think that's more because the idea of dramatically altering my body like that is unreal to my brain, since it can't happen yet, y'know.

One of the things that really destroyed my ability to even think about this subject was, again, en bee because as a teen I really wanted bottom surgery due to self hate, and then when I became less of a loser I really wanted it because my micro brain figured I was just supposed to. Removed of all the cisnormative assumptions, though... what do I actually want? How do I feel about the anatomical options available to me??? Idek.

Gee I sure do wish I could just cut my fucking balls off, though! That shit sucks. Do any of you know a good way I can cut my balls out? Hit me with that "diy orchi but you dont die of an infection" knowledge!