sexism
I have a difficult time calling myself and being called a woman but not for gender reasons I don't think. I like girl and lady. I think it's because growing up, the context I would hear the word "woman" being used the most is my dad referring to my mom, and tying her fulfilment of her "biblical duties" to her womanhood. I think it's hard for me to separate the word from that connotation, even though I know it's bullshit. Like every time someone calls me a woman I feel my dad calling me one and I hate it.
traaaaaaannnnnnnnnns
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so i was walking through the house earlier when i noticed that one board that my parents insist on keeping which tracks how tall me and my siblings were through time with the little marks and the date of when the mark was kept? out of curiosity I went and I checked my height as it stands now and... I've apparently lost about half an inch since I was 17. God I guess I wasn't going crazy, I do feel faintly just a bit shorter since starting HRT. It's totally possible it might just be normal aging things but I think it might be true, HRT does make you shrink a little
buying the cheapest men's shaving gel instead of the same thing in a pink box and double the price from the woman's aisle
spoiler drug
THIS DRUNK KNOWS HOW TO REMEMBER TO USE SPOILER TAGS. WHAT IS YOUR EXCUSE
GIVE ME 10 PUSHUPS
"yes please i will download a torrent of this series that is 55gb. it's only twelve episodes at 1080p but that's a reasonable file size to expend"
words no one has ever said
Had a dream I had an avatar to go out in my place to do stuff for me, felt nice since I didn't have to mask so much only downside was resisting the urge to bunnyhop everywhere to save time
Realizing there was a period of my life where I'd skip everywhere since I thought it was both fun to do and got me around faster what if I'm actually in some sort of simulation
I'm feeling particularly content today and wish I knew how to recreate this feeling more consistently. I feel cheerful in a way where I don't feel like I'm faking it
Happy jan 6 everybody! I'm gonna be smoking weed and practicing martial arts on the porch to celebrate.
listen well this tale of dysphoric(?) woe
Giggling with my friend at work as some of the gals we're friendly with have some incredibly candid sex discussions in the next cubicle over since the office is basically empty
She goes over to tell them that we can definitely hear everything they're saying
I think I can hear one of them poke fun at the fact that I (boymoding, only out to my friend) can hear
Suddenly reminded of the distance that exists between me and them because of how they perceive me
Feel very far away, almost "shell-shocked" for the remaining half hour of the work day
According to my friend they were actually cool with me hearing and that I was explicitly invited to join in when the next such Empty Office Sex Salon occurs. But I still can't shake the feeling that I'm different, that me being there just pollutes everything and they'll always view me with some unshakable suspicion and wariness, like a wild animal that could snap and start mauling people.
I honestly don't get too much dysphoria, to the point that I don't even know if this counts?? but this is the feeling that gets me. Can't we just pretend I'm part of the group? I'm not that much different from you on the inside, I promise.
All this time putting nail polish on you'd think I be good at it, nah just slather on a base coat the polish the top. The polish on my skins falls off day after and it looks like I know what I'm doing
my new adult romantic fantasy, noun of noun and noun, comes out today
one of the nice things about working at a small company is sometimes your boss and half the team will just randomly leave 5 minutes before a meeting, and then you don't have to do the meeting
and I have no idea where they went, based on the timing I would assume lunch, but based on the people who went it could be a midday hike
silly but positive, kinda gender euphoria
I still only play games on my old 360 lol but I updated my avatar awhile ago and it's stupid but it really made me happy
The old one was my awkward teenage egg self
Now I have tits and a MJOLNIR helmet that matches my Reach Spartan and it's sick imho
alone with my thoughts for the first time since November because all my podcasts took the week off
alcohol
Fucked up rn but felt kinda weird about "ze/hir" lately despite them being rad asf pronouns imho
Think I'm still mostly a "they/them" but being a "she/her" trans femme on occasion mite b cool
You know, just to cement the "lol definitely not a guy" feeling home
Or fuck, could I possibly be a binary trans woman instead of a weird enby that I've been living as for like a decade now???
Fuck idk
Idk maybe refer to me with she/her for awhile and I'm seeing if that's actually right or not, sorry
Like I came out gender wise as a trans woman initially a long time ago, then felt more comfortable being nonbinary, and I guess now I've kinda done full circle?
I dunno
I'm queer
spoiler . and my junk is small
:::
yapping about trauma
the more I think about trauma, the more unfair I think it is to make traumatized adults participate in capitalist society when they're basically kids.
social services should circle the wagons and let people heal and learn before they have to grow up. it should be given the same urgency as a house fire.
like literally it's not right. you shouldn't be able to grow up wrong. people who need to learn to love themselves should be given that care. not access, not the option, point blank, provided with mental health resources and professionals.
when someone injures their leg, it's not, "oh oh I hope you can get the help you need" it's "holy shit he can't fucking walk we gotta help". why is mental health different LMAO
Obviously I'm being ridiculous and describing something that will never happen. Wanting to be dead is a feature, not a bug.
Finally have my fertility preservation consult later today. I hope the process is quick from this point on because putting HRT on hold for a month for this was not very cash money. Just let me in the hospital goon closet a couple times so I don't have to worry about this anymore
I love you all so much. Thank you for helping me be my best self and finding true happiness ๐๐๐
i hate microsoft if you didn't know cw: dysphoria
me: searching Microsoft Teams for a message.
Teams: includes "[deadname] (You) - message" in the results, despite my name being changed in the system and legally for 3 months.
yes, thank you microsoft for giving us pronoun flairs, that only me and like one enby in the company even use lol, but could you not deadname me? you are valued at 3.16 trillion USD and you can't amend (or can't be fucked amending) my name within a system you have almost complete control of. sometimes i see my deadname email flicker before being replaced with my new one and i can understand why they might have my old email but why are you storing my deadname???? is my legal name just a display name??
i'm soooo fucking glad microsoft successfully abused their market power to eradicate slack and make us use this steaming pile of bland corpo dogshit. i throw up a little everytime i hear that fucking teams ping, i reaaaally want to quit just because of our dependence on this repugnant company
i know this comes off a bit trivial, i'm privileged to have an office job. but it gives off the same vibe as my birth certificate having "previously known as [deadname]", both constant reminders that i'll never be just me but me who used to be someone else and that shit sucks
My mom and I are watching the second squid game season, the trans character is cute and very relatable which I wasn't expecting (apparently the actor is a cis guy). Kinda weird how much of the trans experience is apparently universal.
We're watching it dubbed and I really appreciate that they cast a voice actress that didn't have the perfect femme voice training or cast a cis girl to voice her. She sounds more or less like I do on a "bad" voice day lol
i have the irresistible urge to be gay AND to do crime... i wonder what that's about
spoiler
CW: Depression, dysphoria
I have been so godsdamned depressed the last few days that is stemming from some extreme dysphoria that I've been feeling with. And yes, regardless of after having had top and bottom surgery, I am capable of becoming dysphoric. I don't feel genuine. I feel fake. Without having had those experiences I missed on growing up, I feel that I will always be on the outside looking in regardless of what I do. I always see these ciswomen whose experiences I could never emulate and it just kills me on the inside. Yay. I have a vagina, I have breasts, but I'll never have those experiences. It depresses the hell out of me and it is draining the will to live out of me. I hate it so much. Couple that with feeling of not being capable of fitting in with any trans communities for a multitude of reasons. Further couple that with the crushing depression that's on and off since my divorce and I just fucking hate life right now. yay
Does it make sense that I'm kind of hoping I've actually been infertile all along? Then I wouldn't have to be responsible about fertility preservation. It would just be a fact of life and nothing anyone can blame me for
depression/dysphoria/dooming
I've been crying all day. It hurts so much. I could barely talk earlier. So dysphoric about my voice. Just in general too.
I keep doing worse and worse. I've been "trying" (half assed and lazily) to get my shit together for years. Haven't been able to. I'm doing worse now. So how am I going to be able to now when I couldn't then.
I can't start hrt because I can't get better. I can't get better because I'm trapped in a disgusting man body with a disgusting man voice. There's nothing to do. I can't force myself to get better. To work on myself, to voice train, none of it. I can't. I never really could. Not quitting if I never tried.
I have failed life. So many things I will never get to see or experience. Because I'm a failure. All evidence points to me just being born wrong. Defective. Whatever ig. What makes a person turn out like this. I can't blame my parents. They tried. I wish I tried harder. Whatever. Hurts too much. What a shame. Not good enough to even try. I am such a disgusting waste of life. I wish I could give this to someone else.
sorry boss i can't come in to work today. my wife is holding my arm hostage while she sleeps. yeah idk i'll be in next week maybe. i expect full pay for this