There's an old folk thingy from Borneo that claims Orangs can, in fact, talk. But they don't, because if humans found out they'd be forced to get jobs and pay taxes.

plays stellaris once

why can't i make the bonobo population into a client state?

this is a classic sci fi plot

And every single fucking time it goes bad for the people involved

Like literally every single instance of a species being uplifted in sci fi is a cautionary tale about interference with others, and usually has the uplifted species be violent/used as a weapon

Literal fucking Torment Nexus bullshit

They used to extract value from animals on industrial scales, like horses and stuff. They still do now of course but it's very grisly (watch dominion) because it's more about getting their flesh, skin, oil, etc.

Anyway, we used to use them in "jobs" but it turns out machinery and mechanization was way more profitable, dumbass.

We don't need more workers you fucking idiot, like half the Western population pushes around numbers on a spreadsheet for living. If we want more productivity maybe we should force these assholes onto an assembly line building stupid bullshit before we fuck with porcupines.

Those Planet of the Apes movies are all about how this is a super great idea

Leave the animals alone you ghouls

Really? Dolphins are by far the obvious candidates for first uplift. (They will be immediately sent the the Hague for perpetrating a genocide against porpoises)

Wot if animals paid taxes

"OOK!" - Head librarian of Unseen University

Anyone who considers something like this seriously has to die immediately. This is pure evil in like the way Michael Myers is described by Dr Loomis. It has to be destroyed.

Liberals can't even lift people out of poverty, what do they think they're gonna do to help animals exactly?

What's the business model?

:gulag:

What? The cutting edge of domestication science was a Soviet fox project, genetic engineering is in its infancy, and a comprehensive understanding of the brain and sapience is nowhere in sight. How the fuck would we uplift an animal even if we wanted to?

Fuck you, pay me

The wrong creatures are in the zoos

A bear, the second it's "uplifted":

I don't remember whether I read this but I swear to God it is a thing that exists. I over found an "an"cap comic book online which was a kind of parallel universe thing. One universe was the one we know today, just a few years in the future: huge smoking ban signs everywhere, owning gold was illegal, there were no cats so people were forced to bike, meat was expensive/illegal so people turned to cannibalism, everything was grey and dull, you know, what we're currently used to now.

But then there was the parallel universe, an "an"cap utopia in which there were no states, the colours were bright and happy, people paid at vending machines by putting in pieces of bullion and monkeys could speak. Yes, somehow one of the bazinga technologies unleashed by removing the yoke of the state was making moneys sentient. I'm not sure but I remember an "an"cap monkey cop.

It was some of the most amazing agitprop I've ever seen.

in capitalist usa, monke return to us

How truly unimaginative.

If those guys aren't doing some kind of comically soulless capitalist scum routine they definitely deserve to play some Minecraft.

Why do they all have the same smile?

Put my old shift supervisor on the floor with a bunch of apes so he can try to make them work the machines. I’d pay to watch the worker uprising.

Wait a minute, Statue of Liberty! That was our planet! You maniacs! You blew it up! Damn you! Damn you all to hell!

Get your chrome-ass claws away from the monkeys you soulless goddamn robots

Sorry to bother you

When you've played spore and then felt smart after

So it's been something like 7 million years since humans and chimps parted ways (probably as a result of a chromosomal fusion event that might be difficult to replicate!). Let's assume we can use artificial selection, fast generation times, and targeted germ line mutations to speed that process up, what sort of efficiency could we get? 10x? Someone put me on ice so I can see the dawn of the First Bonobo Suzerain of 702023.

Bazinga brained dipshit thinks we have Sci fi tech I guess.